Tuesday, June 12, 2007

how to clean your microsuede

edit: 3/18/09 - this blog has no legitimate information on microsuede cleaning.

Most of the people that read this blog know me in real life or found me through various friends' blogs, but I do get a few readers that found me through a Google search. If you Google "deadman beer" mine is the only site that comes up. If you live in Canada and wonder "where is Ross Becker?" eventually the road will lead here. Someone even found this place by Googling my name. Hmmm.

By far the most oft-googled subject that leads people here is that of microsuede cleaning. Seems a lot of people are concerned about permanently ruining their fine microsuedery.

I would hate to think of people visiting my blog only to walk away disappointed, so I'm going to list some microsuede cleaning advice here.

General Tips

1) Quit spilling stuff on it all the time.

2) Take it to the dry cleaners. They're usually really good at cleaning stuff. (note: works best for clothing items. Furniture, not so much).

3) Don't use a water-based cleaner, you'll only mess it up worse. I've heard that rubbing alcohol and a soft, lint-free cloth works very well.

4) Don't have a pet. They just get hair all over the place.

Specific Stains

1) If there is blood on your microsuede, consider making some lifestyle changes.

2) Ink? Just give it up. You don't deserve to have nice things if you're just going to draw all over them.

3) Grease stains: rub them with a drier sheet and they'll lift right off probably.

4) Cigarette burns: cover them up with a patch bearing the logo of your favorite band or sporting team. That way people can better judge you without actually getting to know you.

5) Tomato sauce: oddly enough, more tomato sauce

Forget cleaning, just get rid of the stupid thing

1) Vomit

2) Urine

3) Milk

4) Bat guano

Glad to help!


  1. If I spill tomato sauce on my microsuede, I can just use more tomato sauce to remove it?

    That's great! This is why I enjoy this blog.

  2. That's great advice. All of it. Of course, you didn't mention the faux pas of owning microseude in the first place.

    I mean seriously... polyester...?

  3. I'm beginning to suspect you are really Bruce Wayne.

    "One thing I forgot to tell you, about the human race,
    Everybody get a little upset when a bat fly in de face.

    Fly me face, (Oh yeah!)
    Fly me face
    Well I hope de bat he don't come out and Fly me face tonight!"
    (Carly Simon reggae song, currently unavailable at iTunes.)

  4. More tomato sauce did not work. It only made the stain bigger. I am suing you for the cost of my couch and for a new dog.

  5. How do I get a miscarriage off my fancy new microsuede coutch?

    Any hints and tips are appreciated!


  6. Snap! That was gnarly.

    Who thought microsuede would be such sweet fodder for y'alls bat-shit crazy jokes.

  7. I came across your blog while searching for microsuede cleaning tips. I ended up using one of your handy solutions, and pasted a patch bearing the Marlboro logo over the cigarette burn in question. The edges are kind of scratchy, but it blends in just fine! Thanks for the tip!

  8. This is just upsetting for people who have to deal with a stain on a brand new sofa (NO THANKS- I'm not getting rid of it).

  9. You might be a jerk, but this made me laugh.