Tuesday, February 24, 2009

give a little time for the child within you

edit 4/25/09 - the lyrics "give a little time for the child within" comes from the song "Love You" by the Free Design.

It's late and I should be asleep but:

a) I have no job and no responsibilities.
b) there's a new episode of the podcast Jordan, Jesse GO! and I have to listen to that right now.

a) have you noticed that I mention the no job thing constantly? I just want attention.
b) what is that? I'll tell you about it later.

Today's blog entry is mostly about kids. Kids you don't know. Read it anyway. I think kids are great, as long as I can leave as soon as they start yelling.

You saw the video of Cash below. Friday night I went to help Terrence babysit Cash (it wasn't gay, it was sitcomy). Man, that kid is so cool I can't even believe it.

He had a Lego tower that he called "123 Sesame St." I asked him if he could tell me how to get, how to get to Sesame Street. His instructions were "Ummmm, turn left, then when you see a bunch of puppets, you're there."

Then we watched Monsters Inc. and I told him to warn me about the scary parts so I could close my eyes. He was so dutiful, telling me when to look away. He also made very sure that I knew when funny parts were coming up. (don't tell him, but I've already seen Monsters Inc. and I'm well aware of the funny and scary parts).

Another nice thing about kids is that they love keep-away.

My brother Mike hates keep-away. He's no fun at all. He also hates it when I follow him around while he's getting ready for the big dance and take a million pictures.

No appreciation for cinéma vérité.

I think the hat goes great with the tux (i'm not being sarcastic).

Saturday night I hung out with adults. One of them is a High School Vice Principal who lives in a house. Doesn't get more adult than that. We went to Heber and ate in a restaurant in a room called "the duck blind."

Remember cousin-jr. Jonah? Of course you do. Last time I saw him he didn't really have hair and still couldn't laugh or clap or do any tricks at all. Now look at him. He's tearing up bananas.

Here's a great trick to play with crawling babies. Trust me, they love it.

If you see Jonah be careful, he's a camera grabber.

That's the weekend. While I'm talking kids I should mention my other kid friend, Gabby. She's doing a good job being a child.

Since apparently I'm trying to jam this blog full of "kids" content, here's a link to the video for MGMT's "Kids," which now that I think about it is probably my favorite song from last year.

Oh snap! I almost forgot the most important thing. Jordan's thumb is going to be okay.

I mentioned Jordan, Jesse GO! earlier. I should note that the Jordan in the podcast is not the same Jordan as the well-thumbed ape above. Anyway, it's my favorite podcast and these days it's possibly my favorite thing. They're running an awareness drive, and I figured I should do my part. I'd go into more detail but now I'm getting sleepy. So here's the darkish-teal ribbon promoting Maximum Fun awareness. So... be aware of it.

Saturday, February 21, 2009

Positive Reinforcement

I'm at a point in my life where I require constant validation. Barack is doing a good job but he can't help me all the time. That's where Cash steps in.

Someday I'll win an award and dedicate it to Cash, who believed in me when no one else did.

Thursday, February 19, 2009

over the line

The State High School Bowling Finals. More exciting than the World Series, the Stanley Cup Championships, and the Million Dollar Game combined. Mike got there early just to take it all in.

For one team, glory. For the other, el muerto!

Rolling for the spare.

Guiding the ball to the pocket through sheer force of will.

The victors...





Wednesday, February 18, 2009

mark it foul

My brother Mike bowls on his High School Bowling Team. See?

He's really good at it. He has three bowling balls and DVRs bowling on ESPN every Sunday morning. Obviously his favorite movie is that cult-classic bowling romp, Cape Fear.

Today was the state semi-finals. You might not know this, but high school bowling is to Utah as high school football is to Texas. Ever seen Friday Night Lights? It's just like that.

Cottonwood has a strong team this year, but it wasn't easy.

Cyprus High killed them in the last round, but thanks to Mike's last minute heroics (strike, strike, strike, 8) he won by three pins, which put Cottonwood a half a point up (don't ask me to explain the scoring system) and propelled them into the State Finals tomorrow. (I'll let you know how that goes) .

After today's match Mike was in a state of shock, knowing that one mis-step and it would have been all over.

Tomorrow, Cottonwood vs. Taylorsville/Juan Diego. I'm not going to get into the Taylorsville/Juan Diego controversy, but trust me, it's pure horse hockey.

Go Colts!

Tuesday, February 17, 2009

crepe paper tastes weird

Hey pay attention to this. I have a new blog.


It's called "Creative Output." I'm going to post my photography, maybe some junk from my sketchbook, maybe some writings, whatever. Anything artistically bent, with minimal commentary. I'll probably update it at least once a day, but don't feel like you need to check it out. I just want it to be there. Makes me feel like I'm doing something.

My quest for burger continued this weekend, as I sampled the Left Fork Burger and the Kobe Burger at Red Rock. They were both just okay. I mean, they were good and all, but flawed. Terrence is trying to find the best burger in Utah and I'm happy to help with this. So far my champion (besides mine own burger) is the one I had on Freedom Day in Mt. Pleasant. I'll keep you posted.

Friday night, big dance party for Michelle's birthday. I seldom dance, but it was a special occasion and all. I didn't take any pictures, but someone did. Here's me, conveniently labeled.

Saturday Lee and Lisa hosted a Valentine's Day get-together. It made Friday's dance party look like nothing.

In between DJ sets we watched the Slam Dunk Contest. Remember last year when Dwight Howard was Superman?

This year he was wearing an Aquaman costume and rode a dolphin right through the hoop. He was disqualified, but it was still pretty awesome.

We need to talk about Hamlet.

You got off to a bad start. You just showed up out of nowhere and kidnapped Saturnus's girlfriend. Then you beat the hell out of Chen-Chen to become the dominant male. Now I'll admit, it was kind of touching to see how afraid you were of water, and when you made that bridge out of a four hundred pound tree trunk, that was cool. But dude, you've gone too far. Attacking a human and nearly biting his foot off? Then sinking his boat? Come on! I expect that kind of crap from a chimp but not from a noble red ape. Hang it up Hamlet.

Saturday, February 14, 2009

happy valentine's day or something

I'm not one of those bitter-about-Valentine's-Day sorts. Granted, in general I'm a mope, and I spend most of my free time thinking about girls, but Valentine's Day ain't no thing. Whatever. By and large I heart everyone, except for when I don't. But we can all say that can't we?

Anyway, here's something I've been wanting to talk about for a while, and today seems like as good a day as any: romantic comedies. Specifically, romantic comedy posters, specifically this one, which is possibly the worst movie poster of all time.

Wow. Here's everything that's wrong about this:

- It stars French Stewart. The squinty nasally guy from that one show.
- Look at the way his arms are tied. He can still bend his elbows. That hideously awkward position he's lying in is completely unnecessary.
- If I'm tied up by Pete Sampras's attractive ladywife, I'm not thinking "love stinks." Especially if I'm the squinty nasally guy from that show.
- Then you have TV's Bill Bellamy leaning in from out of nowhere doing that classic comedy poster cliche move, the "getaloadofthis." I think that's supposed to make us want to see the movie, so we can get a load of whatever Everyman Bill Bellamy wants us to get a load of.
- Bill Bellamy coined the phrase "booty call." That's not a complaint about the poster, just a fun fact.
- Tyra Banks. Actually Tyra Banks is the least offensive thing about this. Which is saying alot, because she's one of the most offensive things about Earth.
- "Okay, we've got all our demographics covered. Fans of French Stewart, fans of boobs, guys who hate love, the 'urban' crowd... is that everyone? WAIT! Let's throw a cute animal on there too."
-Whichever numbskull said "best date movie of the year." Get this, from the wikipedia page:

As Seth leaves the chapel, Chelsea grabs a security guard's gun and shoots Seth in the butt. The film ends with Chelsea being arrested and Seth on a gurney rolling into an ambulance. Chelsea is calling him an "asshole" and he is screaming in return, "Back to hell demon! Back to hell!"

This sounds like the most miserable movie ever! If I took a date to see this she'd have every right to set me on fire afterward.

I have more to say on the subject of rom-coms, but that's enough negativity for one day.

Tuesday, February 10, 2009


I'm so bored. Terminally bored. Criminally bored. I think I learned in a class once that most crimes are committed out of boredom. I was thinking of starting up a Ponzi Scheme but I'm not really the wheeler-dealer type. Antiquity-Looting interests me, but I think you need a Master's Degree for that.

Get this: I'm on an hour-and-a-half or sleep right now. I'm falling apart.

I turned on the tv this morning and saw a guy in a labcoat and stethoscope who was captioned as a "card-e-ologist." He was giving an Asian lady tips on making Valentine's cards. He suggested cutting patterned paper into heart shapes. Then the Asian lady made a joke about fortune cookies and said "that's my heritage coming through!" This is why I don't like to wake up before noon!

Remember a couple weeks ago when I painted a green room white? Well I totally blew that one. It turns out the instructions were "Don't paint this green room white." So I had to paint back.

If I had a Green Man suit I could totally hide in that room forever. Actually I can't even imagine how much better my life would be if I had a Green Man suit.

If I'm understanding correctly, Becky quit her job and opened a Harley dealership in Orem. We went there for burgers. Motorcycle burgers.

This neon sign really plagued me.

I couldn't get a clear shot of it. I've captured neon from speeding cars with less light than this. But I just couldn't get this one. I'm telling you, my skills are slipping in every regard. Neon photography, blogging, job-having, communicating with humans, sleeping. I'm like some kind of Benjamin Button... somehow.

Microsuede is dedicated to being your number one source for close-up pictures of burgers. This is a filet-mignon burger sandwich.

Becky made all the tables herself using old bottle caps. A few of my favorites:

The sodapop field used to be more competitive. Get a load of this:

Dodge City Sarsparilla? I know only of Sioux City. I wonder if Dodge City went out of business after Sioux City's Head Sarsparallist shot his Dodge City counterpart dead.

Saw a movie in Orem. Everybody in Orem looks like Elizabeth Smart. The theater was giving away popcorn samples because the popped corn was only recently introduced to Orem's indigenous people.

On Saturday I saw He's Just Not That Into You. It seems like the kind of thing I should Lolcat about. Like I said, my skills have slipped. This is the best I can do, and it's not even anything.

Friday, February 6, 2009

job trees

I'm looking for jobs. I'm not looking very hard. Just clicking around. I haven't pounded any pavement. I hate the whole process. I hate filling out job applications (bad handwriting) I hate job interviews (sweaty) and I hate meeting new people (gross). I always think that ordering office supplies is going to be fun, but it never is. You flip through a catalogue and get new stuff for free, but in the end they're just tools that you will use to do work.

Mind you, I'm not opposed to work. Recently I did some labor and it was kind of nice. My pappy used to say "a good job is one where you shower at the end of the day, not the beginning" and I think maybe there's something to that.

In any event, I need a job. I'm not really concerned about money (yet), but I'm just feeling totally unnecessary. I was driving home tonight thinking "why am I even here?" then realized I better update the blog since it's really the only thing I do.

Checking the double-u dot, I've found interesting openings that I might be good for.

Pizza Sales Associate

I like pizza. I eat it all the time. Once I bought seventy six pizzas in one go. I bet I'd be a great pizza salesman. I'd be a legend.

"The new kid's good, but he's no Bryton Sampson. I tell you that fella could sell a pizza to a cosmonaut on a Sunday afternoon. Why I once saw him turnaround three pies to a man who still had his hand in the hot n' ready box."

Validation Manager

I'm good at this too, which means I'm bad at comforting people. Because my idea of comforting someone in distress is to agree with them. I think I'm validating their feelings, but really I'm just making them feel worse. That's why they call me the Human Fog Machine.

Someone: "I'll never be a success!"
Bryton: "Well, few people ever are."

Waste Management

I know what this is. This is the Sopranos. What kid hasn't dreamed of living the mobster life? Problem is, I want a job with a lax dress code, and this one would require Tommy Bahama shirts and leather blazers.

Sales Rep, Associated Packaging

I bet I'd get free boxes. That would make me popular with the moving day crowd.

Well whatever. Maybe I can keep waiting for the zoo to have a monkey handler position open up. What else... gmail chatter? phone-call ignorer? Neon sign salesman? Hmm. That might have promise.

Tuesday, February 3, 2009


Dispatches from Lee and Lisa's wedding! Remember that Tom Hanks movie Bachelor Party? Me neither, but I bet the Wikipedia entry for "bachelor party" is a good read. I'll be right back.

Bachelor parties in the US often entail the mass consumption of alcohol, the hiring of a stripper or prostitute, and general rowdiness toward which the bride might not have a positive reaction.

The task of organizing a bachelor party is often traditionally assigned to a male sibling of the bachelor or to the best man. Otherwise, any (close and/or reputedly party-minded) male friend will organize it.

Me and my friends (or "boys") are nothing if not reputedly party minded, so naturally we went to a Jazz game. Remember the Jazz' old slogan? "Real Fans! Real Players! General Rowdiness!"

I think we were there the same night as the Reese's annual outing.

I hired a bunch of strippers but forgot to buy them tickets. So that was a waste.

Saturday was the wedding luncheon in the opulent and elegant Joseph Smith Memorial Building.

Lee led the crowd in a round of "Take Me Out to the Ballgame."

Unfortunately all the attention was just too much for him and he went brain dead.

(actually a baby spat forth upon his necktie. damian saved the day by commandeering a new one).

All these people gathered for a photo but there was no photographer there. It really made me uncomfortable.

Here's the happy couple.

Huh. Looks like there are two happy couples in this picture.


On to the reception. At the luncheon Lee introduced me as the "third member of the relationship."

Priya entertained the ladies with her jokes and stories.

But when I tried to talk to her she just looked at me like I was an idiot. She's smart that way.

I hung out with my little buddy Cash though. Haven't seen him in a while. He still likes trucks.

I think having a photo booth at a wedding is a great idea.

Picture vortex.

So yeah. Good couple of days celebrating the wedding. Congratulations, Lee and Lisa!

Also, whose eye is this?

Oh I almost forgot! The movie Taken starring Liam Neeson is a great movie. I mean, it's a pretty crappy movie, but I enjoyed it non-ironically. Suffer no delusions: if you steal Liam Neeson's daughter, he will punch you in the throat.