Thursday, January 31, 2008


My idiot brother Sean has to do a report on Genghis Kahn.

Sean: Write my report
I'll pay you $30
me: Genghis Kahn!
Kind of a dick!
Sean: But really smart at fucking up cities!
me: Sired a thousand heirs!
Sean: The end!
San Dimas high school football RULES!
me: Bob Ghengis Kahn
Sean: lol
If only it were that easy.
me: If only it were as easy as a time travelling phone booth.
Sean: Maybe it can be...
Maybe it can be.......
Wait, it can't.


I like getting comments on my blog.

This morning someone from the UK found my blog through a google search and left this comment:

"Tippetty top blog you catnapping buddyfunster."

This is the best comment I've ever received. Thank you stranger. Hope you keep reading.

WAITAMINUTE! What does that mean anyway? Maybe somebody should tell me just in case. Maybe instead of thank you I should be saying "go to hell!"

Wednesday, January 30, 2008

Wednesday, Live Blogging

Late last night I had a sort of panic attack. I realized that I have no new material for this blog. I had nothing to post today, and I couldn't foresee a time other than on the Monday weekend report where I would have anything to say.

So let's try this live blogging thing again.

It was so cold this morning. The commute was miserable. I'm all sorts of layered, but the cold mocked my defenses.

Stopped for McDonald's iced coffee on the way in. I may be addicted. Please do not question my logic, complaining about the cold while sipping a chilled beverage.

So here's something that sucks. I've lost the earbuds for my ipod. This is terrible. I can't concentrate on the internet unless I can shut out the outside world. I don't want to hear the uninformed old ladies at work talking about politics all day. I just can't do it.

I've just been informed that at 5pm one of the corporate bigwigs will be visiting with me. I'll save all my work until then so they can see how good I am at working.

UPDATE 1206pm. The old ladies are done talking politics and are now planning a trip to Red Lobster as though it were the invasion of Normandy. Life is too complicated.

I've only been here an hour but I think it's time for my lunch break already. Big day for me. I got a hot tip about some jeans that fell off a truck and I intend to capitalize on this.

Suddenly it's very quiet around here. That makes me nervous. When it's quiet it's harder for me to sneak out.

I had a dream the other night where I got in a fight with one of the bosses because she was being racist. I called her out for being racist and then she was going to get me fired. Now I have a hard time dealing with her in real life. Even though as far as I know she's not really racist. Maybe she is. Probably.

Alright, I'm getting out of here. When next you see me I will be owning some new jeans, hopefully.

UPDATE 309pm: I'm back. I'm really very irritable right now. I found some jeans though. So that's nice. The office is quiet. I'm hungry and I'm going to eat some olives. Olives are my favorite snack but I only eat them once a year. Well that's all gonna change in 2008, I tell you.

Hey, is this ironic? It feels ironic.

Really wish I could listen to my ipod.

UPDATE 444pm: Well, this is boring. Want to see what I look like right now?

IMPORTANT UPDATE 506pm: The Office Creepy Guy just walked past, paused, turned to me and said "My tummy gassy."

UPDATE: 623pm. The corporate bigwig is gone. I'm embarrassed because I didn't realize how much of a bigwig she was. She's like the second biggest wig in the company. I think our meeting went well though. I'm going to start checking out DC real estate because I can only assume I'll be offered a job at the HQ.

FINAL UPDATE 1136pm: At Little Caesars I saw a mean looking old guy with an eye-patch. Also Rock n' Roll High School is a pretty great movie. "we'renotstudentswe'retheramones."

Good night.

Monday, January 28, 2008


Hello! I had a great weekend. It was very artsy. What about you? Snow's coming. Big storm heading up from L.A. The media is calling it "massive," but I don't know if I believe those jokers in the media. Today (Sunday) was bleak. So was Friday. I hate partially cloudy days! I want either skies of blue or a full grey dome of clouds. None of this non-committal grey-blue mumbo-jumbo.

UPDATE: It's now Monday morning, and the snowstorm is here, and it is massive. When I woke up the sky was blue. Driving to work an hour later I couldn't see more than ten yards ahead.

It's supposed to keep snowing until 6am tomorrow. I'm worried that I might get trapped at work. I bought everything out of all the vending machines so that I will be the King once we descend into chaos.


Friday there was the monthly office potluck. I don't remember the theme. I dislike the office potluck and afterward I felt like I deserved a break so Gatsby and I went out adventuring. First we checked out the ruins of old bohemian Sugarhouse.

Then we went to Graywhale where I found about a dozen records I wanted to get. Ended up with Stars - In Our Bedroom After the War. Great album. After that we stopped by a gallery to see work by a locally bred artist named Lindsay Frei. I really like her stuff. Especially these pieces:

Someone should buy these and give them to me. Seriously, you've been reading this blog for free for almost a year now. It's time to start giving back.

Friday night was Crafts Night. Remember that from a couple weeks ago? Not much crafts happening this time. Sort of inspired by Lindsay Frei, I drew this:

Still needs a lot of work., but so far I'm happy with it.

My friend Erin made some cool stuff out of paper.

Late into the night the Craft Party stragglers went to Dee's circa 1986.

Someone jokingly suggested downing a shot of syrup, and some idiot thought it would be a good idea.

Two other fellas did it too but it took me the longest. I guess I should be embarrassed by that? Anyway, gross. Have you ever swallowed a tiny carafe of lukewarm maple syrup? It's pretty horrible. Like drinking... lukewarm maple syrup.

Do you pronounce it "sir-up" or "seer-up"? I pronounce it sir-up.

Saturday was a great day, and it was also clear and sunny and warm. Saw a Sundance flick called Fear(s) of the Dark. It's a collection of animated shorts from France. So creepy. And when I say "so creepy" I mean like, really really really creepy. It was pretty awesome. Like nothing I've ever seen before.

Went for Sushi at Ichiban, which was a good choice. That's my favorite sushi place. Almost didn't make it there due to an impulsive decision based solely on convenience. Luckily I was talked out of it.

Across from Ichiban is a grafitti house called the 337 Project. It's a building set to be torn down in April but in the meantime it's a canvas for grafitti artists. I wish I'd taken pictures but had forgotten my camera. Maybe I'll head over there on my lunch break one of these days.

Saturday night I got all hopped up on coffee and saw Gone Baby Gone. Good movie. I've always liked Casey Affleck but didn't realize he could be such a convincing badass. Oh! Oh! And Omar from the Wire had a small role in it (see previous post). When he showed up I couldn't help but shout "Omar!"

Morgan Freeman was in it too. I don't think he should be in any more movies. Sure, he's one of the finest actors of this or any generation, but he's just gotten too Morgan Freemany.

Not much going on Sunday. Watched Orangutan Island, listened to my new record, and worked on the neverending basement cleaning project at my mother's house. In doing so I found a slap bracelet. Remember those? I think they were big in... 1991. Yeah that's right. In 5th grade the class did a Secret Santa thing and I drew this girl Madi's name. Everyone was all "Ew, Madi!" but I actually had a big crush on her, as did all the other boys. I gave her a pair of slap bracelets that I bought at some store upstairs at the Cottonwood Mall. Fascinating. Anyway, slap bracelet!

Thursday, January 24, 2008


My favorite Omar is Omar from The Wire. Man's gotta have a code.

My least favorite Omar is probably Omar Bin Laden. I mean, get a load of this guy.

Hey, wait a second...



I don't really have an opinion on Omar Sharrif or Omar Epps.

Wednesday, January 23, 2008


- Sea monkeys are the most disappointing kind of monkey.

- Food has a way of rolling away from me. Especially round food.

- When I watch the Wire while ironing I call it Wironing.

- Whenever tv characters are talking about baseball one of them says "What they really need is pitching."

- Haircut dialogue:

"Do you know who Eddie Murphy is?"

"Yeah, of course."

(with reverence)
"He's a good man."

Tuesday, January 22, 2008


I spent most of the weekend hanging out with bloggers and talking about blogging. Blogs are the MASH of this generation.

Thursday night I went over to Lisa and Lee's - actually I guess just Lisa's - for what appears to be a new Thursday night tradition, watching Project Runway. I've only seen the show twice but I really like it. New FOMs (Friends of Microsuede) Natali and Angie were there. Also there were cookies.

Friday I worked during what has to be the bleakest day in the history of the Salt Lake Valley. Blegh!

Some lucky so-and-so is going to get this view from his new office.

The nice thing about my job is that we have a "take a potato, leave a potato" policy.

I've already written about Saturday day. Read it below, if you haven't.

Saturday night I went to The Gateway and bought that new shirt I was talking about. I also ran into Gatsby and family, but they thought I was just some creepy guy. Then a house warming party at Kristin's house. I like that place. Remember how suddenly I'm all into records?

And how many houses have Yellowstone themed bathrooms?

Upstairs, Mark Eaton awaits the winner of Stockton v. Gandalf.

The guest of honor at the party was this beautiful accordion.

Sunday I had the worst hot n' ready anyone has ever had.

Thus are the days of my life.

Saturday, January 19, 2008

Live Blogging on a Saturday

Saturday, 7am, at work. Cold; tired; no reason to be alive; substandard zeal.

On the way in I saw a guy inside a place called Chicken Express, silhouetted by a huge fire of chicken. It was very dramatic looking and I'd've taken a picture if I hadn't been running late.

Usually on Saturdays I go Wikipedia surfing. Start with one topic and just follow the links, riding that wave all day. Might do that today too. I already know I'm going to be looking up articles on Fatalism, Determinism, and the HBO series Carnivale. I'm also going to be doing research on the Lost Rhoades Mine of the Uintah Mountains. After that, time will tell.

I wanted to bring my laptop and start watching Season 4 of The Wire but the manager today wouldn't be down with that.

I got an e-mail from a guy named Jerald Curl. Get it?

Ahhhhhh geez. There's a huge problem brewing here at work involving a computer glitch and yada yada yada I could potentially be talking to a lot of angry people today.

I have committed to spending a solid hour working today. From 900-1000 I'm going to take care of this pile of mail and catch up on my e-mails. We'll see how that goes.

Alright, I'll be back later.

UPDATE: alright, it's 9am. Time to work. My stack of mail is currently five inches high.

UPDATE: 930am. My ex-girlfriend just called. Awkward. Haven't really spoken to her in about a year and half. She didn't call me per se, y'see she works for a different department and called my office for business purposes. Like I said, awkward. I tried extra hard to play it cool. I think I said "right on" and "no problem" a dozen times each.

UPDATE: 1000am. I have accomplished about 1/3rd of what I expected. I shall continue working until satisfied.

UPDATE: 1021am. Papercut!

UPDATE: 1050am. I sure like Obama.

Obama chastised Clinton for trying to make an issue of the fact he admitted at a recent debate he is at times disorganized, and mocked both Clinton and John Edwards for what they offered as their "weaknesses."
"I said, 'Well, I don't hang on to paper really well. My desk is a mess, so you know I need people to help me filing and keeping on schedule and things like that,'" he told a raucous crowd in Las Vegas. "And so my two colleagues — Sen. Edwards says um, 'My biggest weakness is I'm just so passionate about poor people and helping them,' and then Hillary says, ‘My biggest weakness is I'm so impatient to bring about real change in America.'"
"Now, I didn't, nobody had clued me in, that ya know, see, if I had gone last I would have said 'My biggest weakness? I like to help old ladies across the street,"

UPDATE: 1101am. I'm going to go take on a nap on the nice couch in the lobby. I'm zipping my hoodie tight because I don't want any part of my body to actually touch the couch.

UPDATE: 1157am. I was gone longer than I'd planned. I feel more alert now though.

UPDATE: 1218pm. People can be so unreasonable sometimes.

UPDATE: 1244pm. I don't mean unreasonable in the way that Matt Murdock is unreasonable, I mean unreasonable in the way that Senator Joe McCarthy was unreasonable.

UPDATE: 1245pm. I have no idea what that Joe McCarthy thing is supposed to mean.

UPDATE: 116pm.

"Are you ready to write this down?"
"Sure am."
"Okay, it's B-R-Y-"
"Hang on let me get a pen."

UPDATE: 126pm. My right hand is ice cold, but my left hand is fine. Am I dying?

UPDATE: 216pm. Really nothing going on right now.

UPDATE: 301pm. I think I should like to be a photographer. I'm also considering buying a new shirt.

UPDATE: 324pm. I am now talking to the most frazzled human I have ever spoken to.

FINAL UPDATE: 331pm. Alright jerks, my workday is done. Tune in Monday when I repeat everything I've said here, but in past tense.

Friday, January 18, 2008

things that are making me happy today


I mean, not that my happiness rests with material objects. It's just that I'm really thrilled to have these and I can't stop looking at them. Plus I'm so glad to have something new to spend my money on. The thing about records is that, well, they're really awesome. I love the shiny black platter. I love the big square sleeve with the colors popping out at you. I love the intimacy of dropping a needle instead of double clicking a mouse. I love the scratches and pops and the warmth of it all.

Now I'm gonna have to get me a record player.

Wednesday, January 16, 2008

You! Shall not! Pass!

Sometimes John Stockton and Gandalf get together for a little one-on-one.

Tuesday, January 15, 2008

let's chat

Take these words away from me, and I will not be able to communicate.

- wow
- ooh
- like
- I mean
- ...
- awesome
- anyway
- y'know
- sigh
- or whatever
- yep
- hmmm
- right
- exactly
- kind of
- sort of

Monday, January 14, 2008

one eleven one twelve one thirteen

Hello. Weekend went by way too fast. I really don't want to go to work tomorrow. Or, if I don't finish writing this tonight, I really don't want to be at work today. Either way, the answer to the question is "hardly workin'."

Friday was Emily's birthday. JenP and I planned a little get together. Well, my planning was limited to saying "Yeah, good idea."

Why is Emily so happy?

Maybe the donut cake?

Maybe the present that I wrapped myself?

Inside that tin foil was a tiny Sawyer, from Lost.

I have a Kate of my own, so maybe sometime we'll get together and play in the sand.

We watched a little Friday Night Lights on JenP and Mark's fancy tv.

I wish Coach Taylor was my coach. Sometimes I just don't know whether to pass or to run.

Then we watched Barton Fink. One of the Coen's finest, creepy and funny as hell.

Afterward, out into the cold blue night.

Saturday me n' Chris tried to go to the military antique store but it isn't open on Saturdays. Looking through the window, it seemed like they had some cool stuff. We went to a pawnshop instead where a blue guitar caught my eye. The thing is, I already have a guitar, and it's way nicer. Having two guitars is fine, IF you actually play one of them.

After that we ventured into the wasteland.

Remember the Crazy Store I talked about back on Ridiculous Purchase Adventure Day? Probably not. Here, I'll quote from it:

What if I told you there was a store. A store where you could buy batteries, DVD copies of The Matrix Revolutions, cases of Shasta, almost expired canned goods, teethpaste, Nicaraguan basketball jerseys, floppy disks, giant novelty scissors, a Brett Favre autographed photo, a porcelain statue of Moses (next to a porcelain statue of Mr. Spock), a set of Presidential pocket knives, a wooden carving of a nude woman's torso, and a sky-blue Western cut suit with Ostrich-skin epaulets? Would you believe me that such a store exists? Well it does.

This time I had my camera. Here's the Bible, starring Barry Gibb.

Spock was no longer next to Moses, but I guess the Fantastic Four next to Ganesh is the next best thing.

A noble lion.

A noble wizard.

If those don't inspire you to join the Crusades...

What... is... it?

The good news is that it's on clearance for only $599.95. Here, look at it again.

Makes this seem like a much better value.

It's either Bob Dylan or Doctor Who.

A portrait on a blanket? Whoever heard of such a thing?

We'll end this little journey with a taste of erotica.

Can you spot the irony here?

Saturday night I spent a little bit of time at the hospital. Why?

a) none of your business
b) I wasn't the one in need of hospitalization
c) I think everything is going to be okay

This hospital is a brand new state of the art facility, but more importantly it's conveniently located behind the "show" club.

I was busy on Sunday but not much worth talking about. Good night.