Friday, October 31, 2008

pick it up

I wonder how many jokers are dressed like Joe the Plumber today. Likewise I wonder how many blue collar workers are dressed as the Joker today. My guess is, lots.

I'm boycotting Halloween this year, apparently. I totally forgot to put up my one Halloween decoration, Dapper Skeleton.

I'm not even attempting a costume this year. Being all dressed up with nowhere to go is bad enough when you're just wearing your favorite party shirt, but it's even worse when you're Fat Spiderman.

I haven't any plans tonight, but in a pinch I could pull this off pretty easily. My Halloween rule is that the costume has to include spectacles. And if there's one thing I'm good at, and I mean really good at, it's standing around with my hands in my pockets and smirking.

Monday, October 27, 2008

you forgot rule number 12 of vampire hunting

I had a three day weekend, if you don't count that I worked on Saturday. My weekend was literally packed with action! Thursday night I broke from work just as the sun made it's slow creep down the western sky o'er the lone prairie. The last rays of light shone through the watchtower of the Grand America. What a grand swath of land this is.

Thursday night I did something, but I have no idea what it was. I could take a look at my notes but that feels like cheating. Whatever I did I'm sure it was grand.

Friday morning. What's this?

I donned my poker attire and made my way to a friendly high stakes game of Puerto Rican Rubdown.

Okay you got me. That's not really me playing poker, that's me acting. I was involved in a film shoot for a dramatic poker video. My character's name was "Bryton." He was a successful internet card sharp just now making the leap into the live game. As you can tell from the picture, he's a total bad ass.

Everyone had a good luck card protector thing. Mine was this little car. I fidgeted with it as though it were a computer mouse. Acting.

Good times. Big thx to Bryan for has gib me joerb.


Friday night Iris (new Microsuede character) and I went to the Urban Lounge to see a band called the Black Angels. After the show we got our picture taken with the singer.

Saturday night I went back to The Bud after a long exile. Scotty's Halloween collection has multiplied ten fold. The new centerpiece is this screaming radioactive mummy.

From supernatural to supernaturally delicious. Look at this bun. Look at it! Is it not the finest bun you have ever seen? It's flawless. Like Lake Placid on a still autumn day.

"Hey B., do you want to a show tonight? It's this French woma-"


The band is called Yelle. French electro dancy synth music.

"Solt Lek Seetee! Ahhhhh yeu rea-dy teu dahnz?"

Fortunately we were. That's probably why most of us were there.

This girl Julie. She's got stage presence. I think she has a crush on me too.

Oh wait, I've lost track of the where she went. Can someone help me out here?

Ah, thanks Mr. Alien Hands.

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

does it sound like i'm ordering a pizza?

See, we have this restaurant we go to for events with the Sampson side of the family. It's a long story, involving gift certificates and tigers. But we always go there. It's called Madeline's, named after Secretary Albright.

Here's the thing about this sign...

I think it's supposed to imply that the gentleman for whom the sign applies hunts often. But really, everyone hunts on days that end in Y. I went hunting once in 1994, so I could also say that I only hunt on days that end in Y.

Here's Mikey posing with the stupid Lincoln Towncar.

I never told that story, but my car was sabotaged, probably by a Gila Monster, and needed two weeks in the shop. My insurance covered the rental but all they had was this thing. I was embarrassed to be seen in it. What am I, a seventy year old man? Plus, the luxury. Don't even get me started on the luxury of it all.

Dudes, I am soooo good at pin ball. Especially when the ball moves really slow.

I worked Saturday and Sunday and experienced technical difficulties. I was on the phone with our IT guys for hours as I ran around the building finding strategically placed bits of technology and trying to repair them using only sweat and force of will. It was a lot like Die Hard. Actually, it was exactly like Die Hard. Look at what I had to deal with?


pardon our mess

Gack! I've accidentally hit "publish" twice on an entry that wasn't ready yet. You'll see them if you're using google reader. Please disregard and check back later today.

Maybe it's time for me to get out of the Game. The Game of Blogging. I'm getting slow on the draw. Or I guess, too quick on the draw.

I could retire... set up a nice website somewhere, get myself a Tamagotchi for companionship.

Every once in a while some young punk looking to make a name for himself will stop by, click on "contact us."

"They say you used to be a blogger. They say you used to be the best."

-"You got the wrong guy, kid. I don't do that anymore. I ask you now to please move along. I have to ask a second time, won't be so polite."

"Just what I thought. You're nothing but a wash up. I guess I'll let you get back to your Gateway computer to check your AOL account."

[B. sets his jaw]



[B. uploads a picture of John McCain and adds his own hilarious caption. The younger man is stunned. He's never seen anyone use a macbook track-pad that fast.]

-"Whoever told you I used to be the best was wrong. I'm still the best. Now I ask you again, move along."

That was a pretty good story. I call it Unforgiven.

Monday, October 20, 2008

in the meantime...

you will believe in God

Friday, October 17, 2008

of plumbers and politicians

Did you see the final Presidential debate? McCain would not shut up about that Plumber guy. He thinks that the Plumber represents the average American, but it just shows that he's still 8-Bit in a 360 world.

And yes, yes, Mario is a great man. A true American hero. Nevertheless, King Koopa never posed a direct threat to the United States. And his so-called "Weapons of Mass Destruction" were nothing more than bullets with large biceps and plants that spit tiny slow-moving fireballs.

Then you've got Mario's running mate, who poses herself as the spokeswoman for Joe Toadstool, even though she's extremely wealthy. Go ahead and ask her how many castles she has. I bet she doesn't even know.

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

third base!

I've been watching a lot of baseball lately. You probably know this. The problem with watching a lot of anything is that you end up watching a lot of commercials. The same ones, over and over again. Commercials that are irritating the first time grow exponentially irritating with each viewing. Like the Giant Umbrella commercial. I hate it. Such a misguided attempt at whimzy and wonderment. Then there's that ad for some new fancy tv, where the guy is like, "You don't have to be an astrophysicist to understand this fancy tv, but I am an astrophysicist so gaze upon my giant face." You know the one I'm talking about? With this guy?

Whatever. Go Rays.

Saturday I went to a fundraiser for Obama, featuring all you can eat sushi and all you take stickers.

Just kidding, it was one sticker per person, strictly enforced. This guy Rob, a fairly pivotal figure in my history, is a big time sushi guy. He's been rolling rice for years.

From Rob according to his ability, to me according to my needs.

Doesn't this look good? It's like fresh ripe fruit. Fresh ripe fruit made out of a tuna.

The great thing about having a blog is that you can post overly flattering pictures of yourself to make the world think you're cool. Like this one of me eating a brownie.

After the brownie I washed my hands in the BATHROOM OF INFINITY!

Snow (snow!) had just started to fall as I was leaving. I captured some in the headlights of my white Lincoln Towncar.

What? I drive a white Lincoln Towncar now.

Wednesday, October 8, 2008

your heart will attack you and probably kill you

This blog. It's falling apart man. I don't even pretend to keep a regular schedule anymore. I meant to update last night but I fell asleep while watching this terrible show where two old guys (one waaaaaaaaaaaay older than the other) talked about boring stuff like the future of our civilization.

My last weekend was good. Here's a (nother) picture of the City and County Building. It was built by Freemasons so no doubt some freaky shit goes on there.

Friday night I took a mini-vacation to Ogden. J. Willard Marriott was born there, so in a lot of ways it felt like going back home.

Once again Calvin tackles the issues the mainstream candidates are afraid to take on. Dust.

I was enamored with Ogden's Historic 25th St. Can you guess why? It's cause of all the neon.

Union Station, still in use and probably once very important.

Few people realize this, but beer was invented in Ogden. Well not beer, but beer in a glass.

Too much red.

Ate at a place called the Two Bit Cafe. It had a lot of Andy Gibb memorabilia. Probably the largest collection outside of Australia. Also a lot of clocks. Ogden has more clocks per capita than any other mid-size city in Utah.

The burger took a long time, but it was outstanding. I'll have to try it again before I can rank it, but it's probably in my top seven.

The reason for the Ogden trip was to see comedy man Norm MacDonald do some of his funny business. He's responsible for one of the funniest late night talk show moments ever. If you have seven and a half minutes to spare, it's worth your time.

Good times.

I worked Saturday. I think I mentioned that on the last entry. I went for a walk on my lunchbreak to take photos that eventually I'm going to post on this other group blog. I'll tell you about it later. I saw this.

I ended up on top of the library. I think I kind of look like Herc from the Wire in this picture. That's not really a guy you want to look like. But I'm way more handsomer.

Apparently my buzzed hair is the best disguise since Clark Kent's glasses. I went to a going away party for Friend of Microsuede Dollar-Sign Teve (at my old boss Brian's house), and no one recognized me. That's okay, I didn't recognize them either. And I didn't even see Steve. Come to think of it, Brian's house looked way different from how I remember it too.

Sunday was my first day off in fourteen, and I took full advantage of it by parking on the couch and not moving for several hours. Baseball was on all day. Oh it was wonderful.

Did you know that Ken Griffey Jr. is HAUNTED?

the end

Friday, October 3, 2008


I'm still here. Sorry I haven't updated lately. Just kidding, I'm not sorry. I've just been really busy. New job and stuff. Plus all the free time I have is usually spent lifting weights (no it isn't). The good news is I don't really need to nap after work anymore. Or during work, or in the late evening. I sleep a lot. But not so much anymore, which I think is a good thing.

October! October is the best month. Right now I'm sitting in my office with the lights off (weirdo) with a great view of the Wasatch Mountains engulfed in mist. I like it. I wish I could hear the rain though. I'll have to figure that one out.

October also brings us post season baseball. The best postseason in sports. My heroic Minnesota Twins, predicted by many to finish in last place, defied the odds and made it to the pre-postseason... where they lost to the White Sox in a tie breaker game. Freaking White Sox! I hate them.

We're running about a week behind schedule here at Microsuede HQ, so let's talk about last weekend. I learned a lot. Like where Cowboys come from.

It was Gordon's 80th birthday so cowboy grub was in order. What better place for cowboy grub than a restaurant called Cowboy Grub.

Here Gordon talks about Cowboy stuff with Sean.

Now Sean is holding what can only be described as a baby. That kid is neat. He just learned how to roll over. And the baby is neat too.

When this picture was taken, I kid you not, Gordon was making an impassioned speech about his favorite actor Robert Duvall. "Now there's an actor!"

It was actually a really fun night. Gordon is rad, and dispensed plenty of folksy wisdom that really made sense.

Late night Friday I watched the Presidential debates. I didn't enjoy them as much as I thought I would. But I did get a note from my Congressman in response to my letter voicing my concerns about the economy. I love Government. Can't wait to vote.

I have an Obama sticker on my car and it's really changed my driving habits. I don't want to reflect poorly on the campaign. The other day I saw a car with Ohio plates on the freeway and I cut in front of them and drove very slowly so they could have plenty of time to see the sticker. Ohio is a battleground state after all.

Saturday night my pal Rudy was in town with his special lady pal and we hung out with some of my other pals. Great night. It's going on the year-end Best Of list for sure. We went to the Twilite Lounge. It has a great jukebox, even though it refuses to accept requests.

I think the most important thing we learned that night is that this video is the gayest thing that's ever been filmed.
Bruce Springsteen - Dancin' in the Dark

Sunday was unseasonably warm. I was at work. By the way I've now worked 14 days straight. My own fault though. One job gave me days off and I stupidly went to my other job. I should really only be having one job. I don't need two.

I enjoyed a break at Library Square and ate some soup. The soup was lousy. And too hot. Here's pictures of stuff.

Have you heard of this exhibit, Body Worlds 3 at theLeonardo? Everyone is talking about. Why haven't you seen it yet?

Thursday, October 2, 2008


What's the difference between a Hockey Mom and a Pit Bull?

Better party guests.