Rare Saturday Update: The Top Five....

Hey people. Just popping in on a Saturday to check things out. I may do this from time to time with various top fivery.

Today I offer my list of the best songs ever.

1. (tie) "Hey Jude" and "Let it Be" by the Beatles
2. "Stand by Me" by Ben E. King
3. "I Wanna Be Sedated" by the Ramones
4. "Age of Consent" by New Order
5. "Bleeding Heart Show" by The New Pornographers

This list is not open for discussion or debate. There will be no disagreements as this is not a manner of opinion, but rather cold hard facts. [citation needed]

Who paid for this floor?

By this point I think I have collected most of the good neon in the Salt Lake Valley, but here's one that has eluded me until last night.

This is downtown in an area I don't oft travel to, and on the occassions that I do pass by I either don't have my camera or have no cause to stop.

Curious that they didn't decide to light up the word "cleaners."

Last night I was on that corner to take in a music show by a fella named Dan Deacon. I first became aware of Dan Deacon after being introduced to this brilliant bit of youtubery a few weeks ago. (strong language warning). Remember a couple of weeks ago when I went to pick up the Antarctica Starts Here folks at the airport? Do you? Do you really? Are you even reading this blog? Anyway while they were on their trip they saw Deacon and highly recommended it, so I picked up the opportunity to see his show here at the Urban Lounge.

The bathroom stall at the Urban Lounge looks like this, by the way.

I hear a lot of people bag on Indie Hipsters, and I've always been like "Hey, lay off the hipsters." But this was my first time in a true Indie Hipster environment. All the cliches people use to make fun of this group proved true. Ridiculous clothes, ridulous attitudes, ridiculous hair. Apparently the new thing is to wear a flourescent bandana around your neck like a cowpoke. I saw at least a dozen guys sporting this look. Horrible.

Here's a picture of two people doing the formless "Indie/Emo" dance I've head so much about.

Note that the guy has one pant leg rolled up. Cool man!

Enough complaining. I don't mean to be a hater.

Here's Mr. Deacon's set up. All sorts of electronic gizmos and doodads. He rejects the stage in favor of playing in the middle of the dance floor surrounded by the audience.

He tried his best to get all of the house lights turned off because he does his own light show: a couple of light bulbs and a glowing green plastic skull. Sadly the bar left a lot of light on, but he suggested that the audience close their eyes halfway and maybe that would make it dark enough.

On with the show.

I would say that this is the most fun I've ever had at a show but that could be a gross exageration. Gotta be some other fun time I'm forgetting. Just to play it safe I'll say it's the third most fun I've ever had at a show.

Afterward I went back in to the club to use the bathroom and DD came out of the stall and blocked my exit while he was washing his hands. I acted like he was Bill Clinton or Michael Jordan or something and just started blabbering away like a total idiot. "Drinking Out of Cups, I saw it a couple weeks ago on youtube, that's how I heard about you, it's like so funny and I can't stop watching it and quoting it all the time blah blah blah." He seemed genuinely appreciative of the comments.

I was going to post some videos here but you can just look them up yourself. Youtube, type in Dan Deacon, there ya go.

The Blog Sells Out

I'd like to take this opportunity to extend a sincere "thank you" to my loyal readers. Seriously, you guys are great and I'm honored that you check my little corner of the internet every day.

That being said, as much as I appreciate you, there aren't nearly enough of you. I need more readers. I'm like King Henry the VIII that way. My voracious appetite will never be satisfied.

I did some research to try to figure out how to gather more readers. As it turns out, a lot of people use the internet to fulfill more... carnal desires. The top searches seem to be lonely connoisseurs looking for pictures of women. No doubt for strictly artistic purposes.

I think I've given enough of a preamble. Here you go folks. Hot Babes Hot Babes Hot Babes! And plenty of them!

Don't worry ladies, I'll have something for you next week!

Can't wait to watch my daily page hits skyrocket!

Weekend Report: yo soy mas macho

Spent a lot of time with the fellas this weekend. Doing the kinds of things fellas do when in the company of fellas. (I don't even know what that means, I just like to say "fellas.")

Friday

• Got together with the dudes in White City. There was some debate over whether or not we should go to Evanston.
  
• We didn't.
• Retrospect, that might have been a mistake.
• Supped at Iggy's. SLC people: where did Iggy's come from all of the sudden? There used to just be that one, now they are all over the place. There are literally many Iggy's restaurants out there.
  
• On Tuesdays Iggy's had $2 drafts. In my old job we used to have our horrendous staff meetings on Tuesdays so afterward we would all go to Iggy's to unwind just like a bunch of big city grownups.
  
• Good times, those.
• But they have past.
• My Iggy's food was good. I don't know if the other dudes were as happy. During dinner we watched a thrilling yet inconsequential Rockies vs. Blue Jays game. I really need to get a Bees game soon.
  
• Back to White City where not much happened, other than some Mortal Kombat.
• I'm on the wagon. Haven't touched a video game in years. But Mortal Kombat brought so many feelings rushing back to me.
  
• I was made fun of for occasionally playing as the girl characters. That's how macho I am. I can play Mortal Kombat as a girl character and not even care.

Saturday

• I've got this friend, and for some reason he has guns. He just up and bought them one day.
• I also have a shotgun my dad bought me when I was 14.
• One day back in 1994 I went over to the Cottonwood Mall before my Hunter's Safety Class and bought Mortal Kombat II for the Super Nintendo. Funny how the universe is connected.
• The shotgun doesn't live at my house, it's in my mom's basement. If I had a gun of my own I'm sure I'd accidentally shoot myself posing in front of the mirror with it.
• Anyway this friend, he has some guns. I'm for gun control, and I wouldn't consider owning a gun for protection, but man, guns are cool.
  
• We drove out to some area west of Utah Lake and shot some stuff.
  
• Proof!
  

• That's me shooting Nazis with an M-1 carbine from WWII. Pretty sweet.
• Guess what we did after shooting? Played Mortal Kombat. Oy.

Sunday

• Didn't go for a drive.
• Didn't go for a bike ride.
• I did watch a cool PBS/BBC show about Van Gogh. Simon Schama's The Power of Art. Look it up.
  
• There's a scene where "Van Gogh" (played by Andy Serkis from Lord of the Rings, who I have met) eats a tube of yellow paint. It's disturbing for many reasons. 1) Paint. Gross. It's not food. 2) How tormented do you have to be to eat your paint? I'm guessing, very.

That's that.

Oo-De-Lally

Do you ever worry that the snake from Robin Hood is on your balcony?


Me neither. That's ridiculous. Snakes don't even wear capes.

Dreamgirls

Today we'll be combining my two favorite things.

This was in NYC on the side of a record store attached to the Brill Building. I'm so glad I got this shot because the two times I've been back to the city since then it has been gone, leaving behind a shadowy imprint of what once was. Maybe it's back now, I dunno.



Fremont St, Las Vegas. If I could get a tattoo of this I would in a second, but I'm sure there's no way to do it that wouldn't look stupid.



The Westerner Club on Road Redwood in SLC. If you're fixin' to line dance your trail ends here.


Bourbon St, New Orleans. This pretty much sums up Bourbon St, minus the vomit smell. Don't get me wrong, I love New Orleans. I just want you to be aware that Bourbon St is seedy and tasteless and smells like vomit.

or maybe not

I'm rethinking the cowboy hat idea. Maybe instead I should get a tin of pomade and adopt a more professional look. Then after I've rocked the pinstripe suit for a while I can convince the bosses to let me hire a personal assistant.

A personal assistant like that would literally solve ALL of my problems.

Ponderance

I've been giving it a lot of thought, and it might be time for me to start wearing a cowboy hat.

I will keep you posted of any further developments on this.

Mild Weekend Report

Hey folks. Solid weekend. Totally solid. No out of town friends, no crazy capers, no riduculous purchases, but still totally solid.

Friday

• Enjoyed some homemade eggplant parmigiana and a leafy green salad.
• I didn't make it myself though.
• I'm not good at making ethnic food.
• Never tried, really.
• Man, I ate so much mozzarella that night.

Saturday

• Blah
• Blah blah
• Movie Night! The good folks at Harrison Ave. II set up a projector and an sheet in their backyard for a good ol' fashioned picture show.
• Huge variety of tasty snacks at this thing. Very impressive. I enjoyed some cinammon-sugar pita chips and popcorn in a paper cone.
• First up is Raiders of the Lost Ark. Possibly one of the few "perfect" movies. It's almost as if the script was written by a super computer.
• Here's some fun trivia: the actor that played Indiana Jones is the same actor that played Dr. Richard Kimble in the Fugitive.
• Next in the double feature, Three Amigos. I enjoyed this movie as a youngster but I'll admit I rolled my eyes when this went into the DVD player. What a fool was I! Pretty hilarious movie.
• "It's a sweater!"
• "I have this stopwatch."
• "For some people shyness is their El Guapo."

Sunday

• Failed miserably at charcoal grilling. Miserably. Next time I'll use lighter fluid.
• Watched some Entourage and some Flight of the Conchords, enjoyed me some snack.
• Picked up the Antarctica Starts Here kids at the airport. They were in L.A. and sat next to Bosom Buddies star Tom Hanks at some diner. Neat.

End transmission.

Father's Day

My dad loved Wood Ducks.






Last night I remembered something that I haven't thought about in a long time. I was just a little fella, not even in school yet, and my Mom took me to feed bread to the ducks at a creek near our house. I was keeping my eyes open for a Wood Duck, as always. This time I actually saw one, hanging back in the trees, not interested in our bread like the Mallards were. He looked so majestic with his green duck mullet and red-rimmed eyes, just like in the pictures I had spent so much time studying. I was so excited, I couldn't wait to tell my dad about it. I also told him how I had seen Utah Jazz player Thurl Bailey at the mall, and how at Albertston's I found out that the animated Disney movie The Sword in the Stone was coming out on video. I hadn't even seen it but my dad was always telling me about it. That was such a great day.

Right now I'm alone at the old house, watching baseball on the big screen. If I were to glance slightly to the left I would see a large hand-carved hand-painted Wood Duck sitting on the mantle above the fireplace. If I were to glance slightly to the right I'd see a smaller but similar representation of the duck in question, sitting on top of a mostly empty bookcase. If I were to really crank my neck and twist my body around I'd see a ceramic liquor bottle holder thing sitting in a glass display case. It's an "heirloom" of sorts, shaped like a Wood Duck sitting in a hollowed out tree stump. We had an image of that particular duck engraved into the headstone, in full color no less. Looks really good, but I've only seen it once.

turn on the bright lights

This is the neon that started it all. The Villa Theatre in the Holladay/East Millcreek area of the SL Valley.

It first opened in 1949 and until it closed it had the largest screen in the state (not counting that wannabe imax the Cricket Super Screen. More like Cricket Bullshit Screen if you ask me). It had old timey pay phones and classical Greek murals on the wall. More importantly, it had the great signage.


I saw my first ever movie theatre movie here. Return of the Jedi back when I was a lad of three. As the legend goes when the Rancor showed up on screen I jumped out of my chair and hid on my dad's lap. I don't remember any of that.


The theatre closed for good in January of 2003. From 1983-2003 I saw so many movies at the Villa. I specifically remember sitting in the lobby and watching the snowfall after a screening of Disney's Alladin, back when I could still enjoy Christmastime. I remember seeing Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade on the last day of school in third grade. Before Indy they showed a preview for the Michael Keaton Batman movie and that started an obsession with Batman that has yet to subside. The film broke during the climactic moment and someone yelled "I payed three-fifty!" Don't worry, it was fixed in no time. Years later I saw a late night revival of Last Crusade and afterward when the theatre was closed I hung out with a bunch of idiot stoners that were messing around with blowguns and bows and arrows.




I loved this theatre. After a night class at school or maybe a hard day's work I'd make it a point to drive past the Villa, just so I could check out the sign and see the people loitering around outside. So comforting to me.

The last movie to show at the Villa was Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers. That's my favorite of the Lord of the Rings movies, if you're keeping track. I went to the very last screening. Felt I owed it to the Villa.

Fall of 2003 I was making a 16mm short film for a class. I decided to make an "experimental" film about neon signs. I thought "If only the Villa was still around." Then one night I was driving past it and lo and behold, the sign was illuminated once more. They were filming an episode of some tv show there and had re-activated the sign. I raced back to the U to rent a 16mm camera and buy a roll of film and then raced back to film the Villa in all it's glory. I was so happy about that.


The building was set for demolition until a local hero and rug dealer named Adib recognized the historical value of the Villa and bought it and converted into a showcase for his rugs. He's invested a lot back into it and restored the exterior to its original quality. The sign never light up anymore, but I'm glad to know it's still there.

B. joins the Adventure Squadron

Hi everybody. My close friend Rip has recently started a blog of his own.

http://adventuresquadron.blogspot.com/

If you know me, you know that illustrated photo adventuring is like, my thing. Not just on this blog, but... elsewhere... as well. So when Rip invited me to join his adventure squad I jumped at the chance.

Head over there now -

http://adventuresquadron.blogspot.com/

- to read of my adventure through East Canyon and Echo, Utah. I took these pictures way back in 2003, before I even had a digitial camera of my own. In a way it's like a prequel to my adventure career. Anyway, check it out.

http://adventuresquadron.blogspot.com/

how to clean your microsuede

edit: 3/18/09 - this blog has no legitimate information on microsuede cleaning.

Most of the people that read this blog know me in real life or found me through various friends' blogs, but I do get a few readers that found me through a Google search. If you Google "deadman beer" mine is the only site that comes up. If you live in Canada and wonder "where is Ross Becker?" eventually the road will lead here. Someone even found this place by Googling my name. Hmmm.

By far the most oft-googled subject that leads people here is that of microsuede cleaning. Seems a lot of people are concerned about permanently ruining their fine microsuedery.

I would hate to think of people visiting my blog only to walk away disappointed, so I'm going to list some microsuede cleaning advice here.

General Tips

1) Quit spilling stuff on it all the time.

2) Take it to the dry cleaners. They're usually really good at cleaning stuff. (note: works best for clothing items. Furniture, not so much).

3) Don't use a water-based cleaner, you'll only mess it up worse. I've heard that rubbing alcohol and a soft, lint-free cloth works very well.

4) Don't have a pet. They just get hair all over the place.

Specific Stains

1) If there is blood on your microsuede, consider making some lifestyle changes.

2) Ink? Just give it up. You don't deserve to have nice things if you're just going to draw all over them.

3) Grease stains: rub them with a drier sheet and they'll lift right off probably.

4) Cigarette burns: cover them up with a patch bearing the logo of your favorite band or sporting team. That way people can better judge you without actually getting to know you.

5) Tomato sauce: oddly enough, more tomato sauce

Forget cleaning, just get rid of the stupid thing

1) Vomit

2) Urine

3) Milk

4) Bat guano



Glad to help!

A Weekend in the City

Hello Suede-heads! I just had one of the best weekends in recent memory. In fact, easily the best weekend all year that didn't involve me leaving town. Why? My dear friend Joy was in town. She lives a million miles away in a harsh desert climate, and took a break from fighting off Jawas and Sand People to come visit the peeps in SLC. Joy and I communicate daily but we never get to see each other so throughout the weekend there was much awesomeness to be had.

Here we go.

Thursday

• After work, Joy came over and we went to the Cafe Rio, a Utah-based burrito dealer. Rio is a staple of the local scene and since Joy has never tried it we had to go, if for no other reason than for her to see what all the fuss is about.
  
• I gave her a tour of the old neighborhood, which was easy since for the most part my entire life has taken place in an area about three square miles in size.
  
• Stopped at my mom's house and chatted with my cat for a bit.
  
• Back to my place, where I drew the shades and made her watch my complete ouvre of short films. Then I made her write an analytical paper about each one.
  
• In retrospect, I might not be a very good host after all. Sorry about that, Joy.

Friday

• An early start. 9am Breakfast at Ruth's Diner with Joy and some of my oldest colleagues, Joey, Barlow, and Cherie. (Barlow isn't his real name but I already called him that in an earlier blog entry to for the sake of continuity I'll stick with it).

• Ruth's is another local landmark, an old trolley car that now sits nestled among the beautiful green trees of Emigration Canyon. Good breakfast spot, known for some mighty fine biscuits.

• Retreat to Barlow and Cherie's backyard, where in an act of unmitigated gall I sit in the sun for more than seven minutes. I'm still severely burned. Thank goodness for the internet, keeping me out of the sun like it does.

• Kids Say the Darndest Things part I - Joey's young son to Barlow during a discussion of religion/philosophy: "Um, you're being boring."

• Kids Say the Darndest Things part II - the youngster to Joy: "Could you quit talking so fast?"

• Kids Say the Darndest Things part III - same kid, pointing at me: "Is that a boy or a girl?"

• To be fair, I was wearing my Ziggy Stardust get-up.

• Lunch at Snider Bros. Meats. Not exactly a local landmark, but I used to go there a lot during High School. A few years ago they had a horribly embarrassing commercial where the staff held up deli trays and sang "We Got the Meat" to the tune of the Go-Go's "We Got the Beat." Yeah.

• Went to Target, but seriously you can't possibly be interested in that.

• BBQ party in the backyard. The same backyard that burned me earlier.

• For most of the party I was busy making my now famous B-Burgers, but Em provided me with a steady supply of beer-flavored drink so it was all good.

• This party was attended by most of Salt Lake's social Elite, so it ended up being a great time.

• Also I was trying to be cool but bonked my noggin something fierce. Luckily, I don't think anyone even noticed.

• Went to bed at 5am.

Saturday

• Slept most of the damn day.

• Lunch at a place whose name rhymes with Chilis.
• Ironing

• Went to a wedding reception in a nice park. Met some Swedes.
• After a little bit of tomfoolery a gang of us decided to attend the 1:30am showing of Ocean's 13 at the drive-in. When we got there the gates were closed and there was no one around to sell us tickets. I'm not saying this did or didn't happen, but maybe we just hopped the gate and walked right in. Then maybe one of us drove his (or her) car in through the narrow exit lane. Maybe if I saw the movie I'd say it was pretty good.
• Went to bed at 5am

Sunday

• Found out that my favorite currently working band, The New Pornographers, are coming to Salt Lake on their upcoming tour. This is great because so many of my favorite bands have passed us by this year. Even better, they're playing at The Depot which is the nicest venue in town, and the show is ages 21+ so I won't have to deal with any punk-ass teenagers. I hate punk-ass teenagers.
• Joy and I said our goodbyes. It was sad, but alas, such is the wheel of life. Sigh.
• Mowed someone's lawn.
• Watched the finale of The Sopranos. Not a particularly great episode, but a good way to end the series I think. I really liked the controversial last scene, but maybe because it was set to Journey's "Don't Stop Believing."
• That's one of the five songs I always want to hear when I've been drinking. I've mentioned another one, do you remember what it is?


• Don't get me wrong, "DSB" is one of the best songs there is. It's not like I only want to hear it when drunk, it's just that... ah nevermind.


• Ended the weekend with a 2am breakfast from Del Taco. Here's how much I like the Del Taco breakfast: one time I found a fingernail in my breakfast burrito, and yet I still continue to go there. If you know me at all, you know that I am super quesy about that sort of thing.


• In the Del Taco strip mall I noticed a soon-to-be-opening establishment called Emerald City Smoothies. Opening a smoothie shop in this town takes a lot of chutzpah as Jamba Juice has a stranglehold on the local smoothie scene. I tip my hat to Emerald City Smoothies, and I give them three months.

That's it. In conclusion, Macbook pictures of me and Joy.

A bat flew into my apartment and frightened us both.

Then we stared into the computer to try to figure out how the internet works.

Fin.

Some Thursday neon for you

Salt Lake has it's fair share of old neon, most of which has been photographed by me. Here are a couple that I really like.

I couldn't find much information about this place online. As far as I know it's used as housing for transients. The hotel is downtown near the historic Rio Grande Train Station, which houses the Rio Grande Cafe, which houses more ghosts than any other Cafe in Utah. I've never eaten there.

I took these pictures last August when the street was closed off for the Italian Festival, which I didn't even know we had until I stumbled across it.

Next up we have the Scenic Motel, located on Foothill Drive, the easternmost thoroughfare in the city. During my seven years of higher education I would normally take 13th East to get back home, but on special occasions I'd take Foothill so I could drive by the motel.

For some reason it always reminds me of Fall/Winter. I guess because that's when I was in school.

If the above picture is too red for you...

Actually I'm not satisfied with either of those pictures. One of these days I'll go back and try again.

It was supposed to be so easy

I had a few errands I had to run last night even though I was deathly tired and wanted nothing more than to collapse atop the Microsuede couch and call it a day. First I had to go pay rent, which was a pain because you're not allowed to just drop it off anymore, you have to actually hand it to a person. The office was unattended save for the 17-year old security guard with a disarming penchant for dead-eyed staring. I had to wait and wait, and finally the lady comes back and I drop off rent and I wanted to ask her about the upcoming asphalt repair project but she was a jerk and I didn't want to talk to her.


Then I went to Bed, Bath, and Beyond to buy a new pillow. I haven't had a good night's sleep in over two years and I'm blaming my pillows. Now, it may surprise you to learn that I have lived 27 years, yet this is the first time I have ever bought a pillow myself. I was surprised by how expensive they are, but maybe I'm just naive to the ways of the pillow. I mean, they did have some cheap ones but this is an area in which I need quality. I bought a nice foamy number, which was a gamble because they wouldn't let me try it out in the store. I said "I'll set my alarm, it'll be twenty minutes tops," but they weren't into that.


FYI, BB&B is full of frightening people. Like young engaged couples and overtanned housewives.


Next stop Albertson's for my weekly supply of foodstuffs. I was trying to decide of I should buy a bucket of Mozzarella discs (I did) when some guy walked buy and said to his friend: "She can take that f******** chicken and shove it up her f******* [jacksy]!"


I really want to know the context of that quote. There was no one at the Deli, so I don't think he got into an argument over chicken with a store employee. I'd also like to know if he was talking about chicken the food or chicken the animal. If it was chicken the animal that's gotta be a violation of several local statutes.


Then at check-out the bagger was really giving me a hard sell about buying some Tostitos. I was buying Garden of Eatin' brand Chile and Lime tortilla chips and the guy was criticizing them. "Why are you buying these fake chips when you could have Tostitos?" Dude, just put my stuff in the bag, don't judge it. Furthermore, my chips are better than any Tostito you could ever eat.


The good news is that while at the store a pretty girl smiled at me. I'm going to count that as "getting some action." I don't blame her, I was wearing my studly Going to the Store outfit (see below).

Oh, my new pillow worked out very nicely by the way.

One-and-a-half day weekend report

It saddens me to mention that my weekend was truncated. Luckily (for me), this will be my last long work week. On the flipside (of the coin), this coming weekend (or is it next weekend? when does "next" become "this"?) will be my last three day weekend. After that I'll be doing the regular ol' Monday through Friday thing, just like a normal person.

The workday Friday ended on a good note as I was able to convince someone to work the first half of my Saturday shift. That means that I wouldn't have to go in at 7am on Saturday and could instead arrive at 11am. A huge sigh of relief was breathed by me as I am not a morning person. If I had my way I'd start work around 2pm but I can't get the bosses to agree.

Anyway, let's pick things up Friday night. Hope you like reading about sitting and watching things, because that's what you're going to get.

Friday

• Two hour post work nap
• The sleep was filled with bad dreams. Not even your traditional nightmares, but dreams that were mundane and reality based, but with just barely enough un-reality to be truly unsettling.
• Woke up to find myself bored, but with plenty of night left and nothing to fill it with.
• Just as I was about to watch Stop! Or My Mom Will Shoot! for free on Comcast OnDemand, Barlow called and invited me over to hang.
• Terrence and I ended up watching One Crazy Summer. Not a good movie. Not good at all.
• Jeremy Piven has a small role in that movie, and even though it was made over twenty years ago he has way more hair now than he did back then. Wonder what his secret is?
• By the way, click on over to Terrence's music blog and check out those songs by Sparks.
• Went back home and watched Next Stop Wonderland on OnDemand. Pretty good indie romance. Plus it has D'Angelo Barksdale in a small role (ten points if you know who that is).

Saturday

• Work at 11am.
• Read the very satisfying Wikipedia entry on twist endings.
• Work was very busy because I was the only one in my position working that day. When things finally slowed down the only other person in my office regaled me with tales of running around Memory Grove and running afoul of the law back in '89. At one point I discretely dialed the office number from my cell phone so that I would appear busy.
• Saw Knocked Up. Good movie.
• (note to self: obtain short-lived television series Freaks and Geeks on digitized video disc).
• By the way, I found out that Knocked Up's Paul Rudd played Nick Carroway in a tv adaptation of The Great Gatsby a few years ago. Anyone seen it? I'd be very interested in such a thing.
• Sat around the Sweat Lodge lamenting the heat.
• Briefly spied a hamburger-making competition on the Food Network. This prompted a discussion about where to get the best burger in the Salt Lake Valley. We finally ended up going to the Cotton Bottom Inn. The garlic burger there is consistently regarded as one of the best around. It was a good, and I guess you could call it the best just because I've yet to find something better, but it's nothing to rave about.
• Actually, wanna know what the Best Burger in the Valley is? The Bryton Burger. I have independent confirmation of this from multiple sources.
• Almost watched Better Off Dead to see if it held up any better than One Crazy Summer, but instead this happened.

Sunday

• Slept in.
• Watched Sopranos and Entourage. Ninety minutes of quality television, right there. Bobby! Sil!
• (spoiler alert)
• Arby's, two five for fives (.95)
• I wasn't by myself, I can't eat ten Arbyses all alone. That's crazy.
• Watched the MTV Movie Awards. Back in my day these were pretty entertaining, but now they're just a shameless marketing tool. Shameless even by MTV standards. Remember when Ben Stiller was Tom Cruise's Stunt Double? Remember when they gave an award to Best Sandwich, and Chewbacca got a Lifetime Achievement Award? No more. Now they're giving awards to movies that aren't even out yet (Transformers)
• Even more offensive than giving an award to Transformers is the fact that Michael Bay seemed genuinely excited to get such an award.
• As a kid I was never really into Transformers. I had a few, sure, but they rank low on my list of youthful nostalgia.
• Accidentally destroyed my new Mac.
• Fixed it.
• Watched Spiderman 3 on DVD. How? Science.

The end.

Yay.

Pretty freakin' entertaining for you, eh?

If you're drinking then I know we'll be good friends and I'll say...

Hello Suede-Heads! (that's what readers of this blog will now be called). This is a friendly experiment in intoxicated blogging. Get it while it's hot because I might delete it in the morning.

Just to clear up, I am not some sort of drunk. Sure, I like a steak and a beer, or a burger and a beer, or maybe just a beer and some crackerss after work to chill out while I listen to the music of Air or Aimee Mann, but it's a rare occasion that I get "plastered" (to use the parlance of our times). For one thing, I don't care to drink and drive at all, and finding a designated driver can be difficult, and why would I want to go to a bar if not to drink much? For another thing, I can't think of another thing. Anyway, tonight one thing led to another and one of my homeboys who I don't think even knows about this blog so I won't say his name, mentioned that he like bar-hopping even tough he doesn't really drink. So I was like "Dude, maybe we should go bar-hopping tonight." and so we did. It was either that or watch Better Off Dead, which I haven't seen since I was but a youth. More on that later when I do my Monday weekend report.

We went to the Leprechaun Inn, which is nye on three minutes from my home. Also its in a K-Mart parkig lot, which is weird. I bet my brother hangs out there a lot becase he has a big tattoo of a leprechaun and a bowling pin on his left arm, so it's only natural that he hangs out at the 'Chaun. He wasn't there tonight though, probably because he needs to work in the morning at the Starbucks (remind me to tell him that I need some more coffee beans because I'm almost out).

Anywya, I just returned from the Leprechaun I drank a beer or many and also a shot of gin which is never a good idea for me but when you're drinking you're judgement is impaired and you think that maybe a shot of gin is a good idea but seriously, it never is. Blegh. Leprechain is cool, pretty chill. Whatever that means. "Chill" is kind of a generic word to describe alcohol establishments. I think the more "chill" a place is the less likely you are to run into anyone wearing a shiny shirt. Not chill = lots of shiny shirts.

Right now I feel like I could take on the whole Empire myself. If you think that's a Star Wars reference you're wrong. I'm too cool to be a Star Wars geek. See?



Sunglasses = Cool

By the way, I just want to point out that it's okay for me to drink because I am not a member of the LDS faith. I am in fact Pretend Catholic. For more information on Pretend Catholicism please see my unpublished and unfinished novel, Document #1.

At the bar they were showing some Women's college softball and it was pretty awesome. I love baseball, but softball played by attractive young ladies with crazy-fast underhand pitching? Well sign me up, monsignor. I just bought season tickets to the Lady Utes Softball Team, which may have been a bad idea since the season ended three days ago. Maybe I should log off the internet because I'm about to buy some custom made Chuck Taylor's and daddy really doesn't need a new pair of shoes.

"California Love" just came up on iTunes shuffle which is great becaue that's on my list of five Songs I alway want to hear while inebriated. That's another post for another time, however.

Problem! I am hungry. Hungry like Starving. If you should happen to know me in real life, and should happen to read this before 3am mst, please bring me some MacNuggets. You will be rewarded with a crisp $10 bill.

Nevermind, I'm just going to go to sleep.

But call me if you have MacNuggets.

Please.

I like BBQ sauce for dippin'.

But I'll take honey mustard too.