Friday, April 13, 2007

Everything you know is true

In September of last year I went to Austin, Texas. Why I was there is unimportant. No seriously, don't ask any questions. Okay fine, I went there for a music festival. I was just trying to sound mysterious. Did it work? No? Whatever.

Everything in town is sold out, so I bunker down at the Austin Suites North a few miles from downtown. The lobby smells like pine-sol. No, I mean it really smells like pine-sol.

The first room they put me in does not have a functioning air conditioner. This aggression will not stand. They’re going to send a maintenance man up but instead decide to give me another room, which is fine because the new room is slightly nicer anyway. Well, nice is relative. The kitchen floor is greasy and it has a weirdo smell, but you know, you do what you can.

So I flip on the television set. I will give you exactly one guess as to what is playing.

Give up?


Walker is the first of many Texas stereotypes that turn out to be true.
Hey, you know this guy?
Yep. Within walking distance of the motel:

You've heard the phrase: "Everything is bigger in Texas." Don't believe it? Then how do you explain this giant IHOP?

...and the giant pancakes they serve?
Check out this poor guy. He has to stop and rest while hauling his enormous groceries home.

Maybe you also know the phrase "Everything is vaguely shaped like Texas in Texas?"
When in Texas there's no doubt you're in the Bible Belt.

Get a load of this guy. Think I'll strike up a conversation with him.

"Hey buddy. Buddy! Guess it's true what they say. Nothin in Texas but steers and qu- haha, just kidding man. You're all right."

"Seriously though, did you hear that Matthew McConaughey has applied for French Citizenship? True story. Says he hates Texas and everything it stands for. Yep. Hates it. Haaaaa, gotcha!"

"Did you hear the breaking news? Turns out that High School Football suck! AHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

"Speaking of news, I was just reading about the transvestite that's running for Mayor of Austin. That's you, right? What, you mean you’re not a transvestite? Then why are you dressed like a girl?”
"Whoa whoa whoa, settle down man. I'm just giving you a hard time. I love Texas. In fact, Willie Nelson is one of my favorite musicians. Of course for my money the best musicians to ever come out of Texas are the Dixie Chicks. You must be proud to come from the same state as them. Take it easy fella, I'm just messing with you.”

"No I don't want your picante sauce! My picante sauce is way better. It’s made in New York City. Hey sit down! That's a nice hat. What's it say? Oh. Oooooooooooooooooooooh. Shit."

There's a lesson to be learned here.


  1. I don't know if you knew this, B, but it's pronounced "tay haas". Also, I think one of the lessons to be learned is that people from Texas like to assume other people wish they, themselves, were from Texas. So I'm at a Trail of Dead show shortly after doors and happen to be wearing a shirt I got thrift for $2 that reads "If you lead a good life, say your prayers, and go to church, when you die you will go to TEXAS" and which I only bought because it fit well and was long enough, when out of nowhere up walk Conrad and Jason, all smiles, and Jason says, "Awww, did you wear that shirt for us?" to which I lied and said, "Of course." Then we three sat around talking for the next hour and it was awesome. Probably not lying is another good lesson to be learned, just not in this case.

  2. Everything in Texas is vaguely shaped like Texas.

    That's quality blogging my friend!