Wednesday, April 25, 2007

B's Illustrated Guide to Denver, Part III

I see that I've scared you away from the driving option. That's okay! We live in a wonderful time in which air travel is a very real possibility for commoners such as yourself.

Behold, the Denver International Airport. It was built in the mid-'90s at a cost $4.8 Billion. That’s about as much as one of those Vegas super casinos, which is fitting because Cirque de Soleil designed the main terminal.

When trying to get around the airport you have a choice of using the flat escalator thing or a Star Trek style transporter.

Looks like Jet Blue has fallen on hard times.

Yes, the Denver International Airport. A shining example of humankind's continued innovation. A wonderfully pleasant airp- SWEET BABY JAMES WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?

Why is Darth Nazi killing the rainbow? Why is there a weeping mother holding a dead baby? Why do I have to be confronted by this?

Oh PHEW! All the children of the world have slain the evil warrior, using not swords and bombs but the power of flags and ethnocentric clich├ęs.

Way to save the day, little Webelo!

You too, Canadian Mountie Jr. and ... Blonde Haired Amish Boy?

And yes, you too, Menudo. Your '80s Latin-pop stylings were the most important of all.

This thing is officially known as the Denver Airport’s Crazy-Ass Mural. In fact this thing used to be even crazier-assier but they completely painted over two other murals. A sampling:

Who thought this was a good idea? Probably the Aryan secret society that built the airport. Or maybe the lizard people that live underneath it. Yes, there are some bizarre conspiracy theories surrounding this place. Look them up sometime. But don't look up the airport on Wikipedia because there isn't anything there about the weirdness (the plot thickens).

Here's another thing about the Denver International Airport. Sometimes you're on your way back from Texas after being run out of town by Cowboy Beard-O, and you have a stopover in Denver. Sometimes to get to the plane we have to walk through a tunnel, down a set of creepy parking garage-like stairs, then through another long tunnel before finally meeting a frazzled gate agent. Instead of looking at your boarding pass she just checks your name off a list printed from one of those old timey printers. (you know, the kind that go “vrrrrrrrrnh, vrrrrrrrrnh, vrrrrrrrrnh.”). Then it’s outside into the freezing Denver air to climb the stairs to the plane. I’ve always enjoyed boarding planes via stairs, because it makes me feel like the Beatles or maybe Richard Nixon.

Sometimes right as the plane is about to take-off a flight attendant comes up to the woman sitting right in front of you and says, “Ma’am, you have been removed from this flight and need to leave.” Your first thought is that these two women know each other and that it's some kind of joke, but nope. Another flight attendant had felt threatened by something the woman had said and asked that she be removed. The woman is not happy about this and puts up a struggle. A security guy comes up and says that if she doesn’t exit the plane immediately the flight would be cancelled and the police would be called. Finally she storms off. Also she's holding a giant teddy bear.
Seems that a flight attendant accidentally ran over this woman’s foot with her luggage, and then the woman started swearing and screaming at her all the way down the hallway. Wild.

Thankfully the flight doesn't get cancelled, because it would be silly to have to spend the night in Denver because of a ran-over foot.

The end.


  1. awesome murals! I've been through that airpost lots but I guess I missed all the excitement.

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