I'm sick of spending these lonely nights training myself not to care

The first time I went to New York this was the view from my window.

My life has been downhill ever since.

Not really, but sort of yeah. The other night I was looking through pictures from that trip trying to find a photo of an old printing press, and those digital images conjured a flood of memories. I could practically taste the air, frozen in time from October of 2003. I take a lot of pictures everywhere I go, but it's a rare thing for them to actually take me back to that moment in time.

Part of the reason I liked flipping through those pictures so much is because that trip came right in the middle of a period in my life, say eight months, where everything just came together. Before I was ravaged by the cruel hands of time.

This sounds extra mopey, and I don't mean it to be. I'm doing alright for myself these days. I mean, I've got this blog, I have pair of sunglasses.... pretty sweet.

The title of this post comes from a line in the song "NYC" off this album:

This is my favorite album of the last ten years. It's not the best album, oh heavens no, I could count off a thousand better albums on my right hand alone. It's not like I want to go around listening to it all the time, it's just that like the photos I mentioned above, this album is welded to pleasant memories.

No wait! That's wrong. Memories isn't the right word. It's not that when I put on the album I think "Ah yes, this reminds me of the crisp fall night that we drove down the canyon with the top down, the wind to our backs and our angst yet before us." [previous sentence should be read aloud in a J. Peterman voice]. No, there aren't any specific memories associated with it, just vague notions of good vibrations.

I guess it also reminds me of that one time Haydee tried to wave to me through the phone...

Okay, I can see that I've lost you. Here, I'll try to end this strong.

bells

I complain about the local news a lot, but there's one way in which it never lets me down. When there is any sort of unconventional wedding out there, I am the first to know about it.

"Who cares about the War anyway? What's this? Two theme park enthusiasts got married on a roller coaster? Whaaaaa? No way. No. Way. This I gotta see to belie- oh man there's footage! He's wearing a tux on a roller coaster! Ahahahahaha! Out-rageous!"

I've also seen skydive weddings and underwater scuba weddings and vows exchanged on a golf course. I've even seen a man marry himself (Dennis Rodman). There is nothing left that can possibly impress me.

So in Googling for a picture of some kind of crazy wedding, I observed an trend that I've been coming up against a lot lately. Now, everyone knows that no matter what you're searching for you're gonna end up with porn. It's a fact of life in today's internet. Doesn't matter how innocuous your search is. Look for a picture of "toast" and the results are going to be 17% porn.

But the thing that's been bothering me lately is that when Googling for regular things I'm getting a lot of pictures of horrible injuries. Terrible, grievous injuries. All I want is toast and wacky weddings and the Transporter 2 and maybe I've heard that I have a friend (you don't know him) who doesn't mind when porn comes up, but I don't need to see the results of unsafe driving. I'm starting to have nightmares here. Geez louise. Gotta be someone I can complain to about this. I guess I can turn the safe search on, but that might block something I really urgently need, like a picture of a fat Spiderman.

Incidentally, I was not able to find a good wacky wedding picture. I found some old fashioned wedding pictures where the people looked goofy and outdated, but they were all from those peoples' personal blogs and I didn't feel right mocking people that just want to share their love with the world.

By the way, if you're looking for a picture of a Star Wars Wedding the world is your oyster

Let's see how many new visitors I get now from people searching for Star Wars Weddings. Half of the people that visit this blog found it by looking for ways to clean their microsuede. By typing that out just now I've probably made it worse. Sorry that I can't help you clean your microsuede. You shouldn't have thrown up on it in the first place. I'm looking at you, Calgary.

Oui-kend

Conversation overheard at the 7-11 on Friday night:

Denim Micro-Skirt Girl: "Hey you! You need a haircut!"

Bullet Bike Enthusiast: "You need a haircut... maybe a ... buzz cut."

Denim Micro-Skirt Girl: "Ahahahahahahahahahah!"

Bullet Bike Enthusiast: "I thought you were coming in to use the bathroom."

Denim Micro-Skirt Girl: "Yeah, but I didn't."

Bullet Bike Enthusiast is unsure of which convenience-store-bathrooms-are-dirty joke to use: "Why? They clean them every two hours. Or like, every fifteen days."

Then Daniel bought me a Twix and a Coke. Why were these snacks necessary? For a special screening of The Transporter 2 at The Bud.

The Bud is where three of my friends live. It's one of those bachelor houses like you see in the movies but I'd never really experienced until these guys moved there.

Here's what you need to know about The Transporter 2:




Also, this dialogue [SPOILER ALERT!]

"I'm afraid this flight has been cancelled."
"I'm afraid you have been cancelled!"
(fisticuffs ensue)

The DVD also had a blooper real, which was about 90 seconds of two guys messing up their dialogue. Wacky!

I gotta say, I should someday hope to be half as cool as Jason Statham.

The Bud now has a Super Nintendo installed, which is a nice feature. Let the record show that as of press time I am the Tecmo Bowl '95 Champion of The Bud.

Saturday afternoon I had food from The Greek Souvlaki for the third time in a week. Their Gyro is the best in town and the only one I'll eat. At the moment I am completely addicted to them.

After that satisfying meal I went to the airport to pick up my friends (Andy&Cherie, Scott, and Emily, for those keeping score at home) who have been vacationing in Europe for over two weeks. They had a good time but by the looks of things they were pretty tired by the end.

Okay ya got me, that's not really them.

It was great to see everyone again. I desperately want to go to Paris now. They brought me back a bottle of cherry liqueur that is only made in Croatia. It's a neat little bottle, which is great because I collect interesting bottles (ask me about my absinthe sometime!)

(note: just because I'm holding a bottle of alcohol does not qualify this as a myspace picture)

The Best of the Photos, Part 2

A man's gotta have a code.

The Best of the Photos, Part 1

Of all the hundreds of thousands of pictures I've ever taken, this might be my very favorite.

things I know about myspace

1) Girls are not into guys that play head games.
2) If you simply answer "yes" to the question "Do you drink," no one will believe you. Photographic evidence is required.
3) The best looking font is pink cursive against a black background.

Yep. Myspace.

Important

These are the three most important items facing us today.

1) This graffiti, scrawled on the side of the Secret Theater.

2) There are sword wielding bikers roaming the streets of Salt Lake.

3) The trailer for National Treasure 2.

"There's this book. The President has it. It's full of secrets. It's called The President's Book of Secrets. All the secrets are in there."

Fantastic.

Wordless Tuesday

I think this picture accurately sums up how I feel today.





If you need help interpreting the picture, the smashed rocks represent my hopes and dreams. The stick is my job. The jeans are society. The shirtless torso represents my "check engine" light. The grey sky is a metaphor for the blue sky. The grassy field represents my hunger for food and respect and creativity (but really mostly for food). The belt is this blog, and the flat horizon is craigslist I think.

See? Worth a thousand words.

these things I have done

Okay weekend, but I really wish I'd spent less time sleeping and more time watching tv.

Friday

• Hot baseball action at the Bees game.
• Whenever I think of the Bees I think of this: bees?!?
• There was some controversy as the people around us complained that my friends were being too loud. Y'know, cheering and stuff. Apparently minor-league baseball is to be treated with the same reverence as clergy services.
• Went to Arby's, where we solved the nation's healthcare crisis.
• Solution? Bring back Abe Lincoln. He'd know what to do.

Saturday

• Bumped around Sugarhouse for a while in a bid to secure some picture frames and art supplies. Most of the places I wanted to go to were closed, a consequence of sleeping all afternoon.
• I used the opportunity to take pictures of this soon to be demolished Cafe.

• In all my years I never once saw this sign illuminated. Real shame, that.
• It's being replaced by this:

• For all I know Chipotle is good, but I don't know. I'm suspicious. All of the sudden they're popping up all over the place. It's an invasion. I have a rant against this genre of chain restaurant, Fast-Casual, but that will have to wait for another day.
• Anyway, I should draw your attention to this important political statement.

• Dig this crazy van.

• I know I've been talking about barber shops alot lately, but I have to mention that the schedule for this shop is waaaaay too complicated, not to mention loaded with conflicting information.

• Dined at Panda Express for the first time in six months.
• Remembered why it has been six months since I've dined at Panda Express.
• Saw the flick Rescue Dawn. Hilarious movie, at least according to the group of girls in front of us wearing J-Lo hats.

Sunday

• Finished the first Harry Potter book. I liked it at first, then it really lost steam in the middle, but picked up at the end.
• I tried to google some silly Harry Potter picture to put here, but I didn't really find anything.
• Didn't try that hard though.
• I did find a picture of an adult Halloween costume, "Slutty Hogwart's Student." I'm keeping that picture for myself though.
• Turns out there's a store in Santa Monica that sells nothing but Harry Potter themed merchandise and replicas.
• This has inspired me to open my own shop, selling nothing but Weird Science themed merchandise and replicas. So far all we have are dubbed VHS copies of the movie, a couple Oingo Boingo CDs, and a replica white tank top, just like the one worn by Bill Paxton's character Chet. I'm really excited about this.

end

Guile

Lies:

"Utah? You all have ten wives and it's impossible to get a drink there, right?"

The two most popular myths about Utah, most likely perpetuated by smug jerks from Colorado ("Ooh, look at us! We have microbreweries everywhere and the Red Rocks Amphitheatre! We're so great blah blah blah!")

Truth is it's not that hard to get a drink, and we certainly don't have ten wives. In fact I don't think I even know ten girls.

There is one common legend about Utah that actually is true: it's nigh-impossible to get a flattop. Flattops are the most tightly regulated hair-style in the state, and getting one usually isn't worth the hassle.

Luckily every once in awhile you stumble upon a place like this.

Sports

Well, Hank Aaron just lost his best pickup line.

party like a rock star

Hey Suede-Heads. I had a great weekend I did. Will that translate to a great (or at least passable) blog entry? We'll see. I think it does set a record for most swears in one entry though.

Friday

• Went to Koyo with my golden-mained friend Andy. We tried to go there last Monday but it turns out they're closed Mondays. Don't they realize that people still need dinner on Monday?
• You may remember that last time I went to Koyo I wanted nothing more than their Miso Soup, but my efforts were thwarted. Well not this time! I had soup. Boy did I ever.

Saturday

• Popped into my idiot brother Sean's Starbucks for some coffee. It was much appreciated by me.
• Lamented that I didn't have time to stop by Barnes n' Noble. Sean pointed out "Hey jackass, there's a bookstore not but five paces away."
• Bought a copy of Trainspotting, using Sean's 20% neighborhood discount. Thanks man!
• Ever read Trainspotting? I didn't realize this but it's written in Scottish. Luckily there's a glossary in the back, as I don't speak the language.
• A sample: "Aye ah fuckin am, if ah'm oan ma tod n ah git set oan by a fuckin squad ay shellsuits!"
• The big event for Saturday night was dinner with two of my favorite people, Nate and Courtney. They were in town from San Francisco for just one day and a lot of the Salt Lake Crew came out for dinner.
  
• We went to Sawadee, a Thai place I've never tried.
  

• Sawadee gets my highest endorsement. nice unobnoxious atmosphere, great service, and excellent food. What more do you want, you greedy bastard? We had reservations but 16 but like 25 people ended up being there, and the restaurant was totally accommodating.
  
• Our server's name was Wow.
  
• I ate this:

• Long-haired Gary Busey was there.

• Rock stars!
  

• That's Nate in the hat, and the other guy is Jeffrey Z, who's presence was unexpected.
• After dinner this noob was stirring up some trouble, and I told him off.
  

• Okay not really. That's just my friend Chris.
• Then we went to Emily the Cliff's house. There I got to spend some quality time with this dude Greg N., who I've known for a while but never really hung out with. He was a surprise guest that night.
• Awesome guy. Plus he has an IMDB entry which is more than I can say for myself, even though I am an award-winning documentarian.
• Greg should move from LA to SLC. It's just as easy to hang out here as it is there.
• Saw a huge pack of raccoons running across the street and into this haunted mansion.
  

Sunday

• Saw The Bourne Ultimatum. Awesome movie.
• Who would win in a fight between ____ and Jason Bourne? Jason Bourne.
  
• "But what about-" *ahem* Jason Bourne.
  
• Here he is killing a guy with a magazine.
  

• Matt Damon seems like a regular dude. I'm a regular dude. We should hang out sometime. Maybe go to a Red Sox game, have a couple beers. Maybe he can show me around Boston...
• After the movie shopped around a little. Found a pair of blue Chuck Taylor's I've been looking for. Didn't buy them, but I want 'em real bad now.
• Saw some clown in a crushed cowboy hat, day-glo shirt with flipped up starched collar, giant sunglasses, and plaid shorts. Quite the combination.
  
• Watched an top-notch documentary about artist Mark Rothko. I've always appreciated his work but never really "got it" until now.
  

• Watched a Danish movie called After the Wedding which I had high hopes for but it didn't really live up.
• Flight of the Conchords!
  

Monday

• Superbad!
  

• I was in tears. Not for everyone, sure, but I bet a lot of fellas can relate on some level to that kind of teenage desperation. Felt very real. Also it was damnedably hilarious.
  
• Spoiler! drawings of weiners.

There ya go. Passable.

They run and hide their heads

Ever gotten your hair cut by a woman that looks like the squeeky voiced midget from Poltergeist? Ever have her start crying in the middle of it? Crying because she's talking about the movie 300? All the while your old co-worker, the one that drove into a building in order to run over her husband, stares at you from the waiting area?

Well I have. But that was only my second most exciting adventure from last night. The first most exciting is the Monsoon I was caught in on my way home from work.

Early in the drive I noticed dark, ominous clouds on the Southern horizon. Figured we were in for some rain and cool weather, which would be a nice change of pace from the sweltering summer heat. Not five minutes later it had started to drizzle. Then next thing I know rain is coming down in sheets, and trees are whipping and bending every which way. Eventually visibility got so bad that I couldn't see anything, so I pulled over.



Then I remembered my windshield wipers. Coincidentally I had pulled over right into my parking lot. Who knew?

I don't think these pictures capture it, but it was the most rain I have ever seen in my life. I stood there under the corrugated metal carport for a while but the too-close lightning strikes were freaking me out so I hopped back in the car and sat there. Is it true that during a thunderstorm you're safest in the car, or is that just a myth?

Finally I worked up the gumption to go inside. I didn't run because I didn't want to look like a spaz, but the time I got inside my clothes were completely soaked.

Look at the view from my balcony!

This used to be the volleyball court! Okay not really, it's just a stream but it's normally way smaller than this. You'll just have to trust me.

Twenty minutes later all was clear, and I went to get a haircut as the rain evaporated into ghosts.