things I know about myspace

1) Girls are not into guys that play head games.
2) If you simply answer "yes" to the question "Do you drink," no one will believe you. Photographic evidence is required.
3) The best looking font is pink cursive against a black background.

Yep. Myspace.

Important

These are the three most important items facing us today.

1) This graffiti, scrawled on the side of the Secret Theater.

2) There are sword wielding bikers roaming the streets of Salt Lake.

3) The trailer for National Treasure 2.

"There's this book. The President has it. It's full of secrets. It's called The President's Book of Secrets. All the secrets are in there."

Fantastic.

Wordless Tuesday

I think this picture accurately sums up how I feel today.





If you need help interpreting the picture, the smashed rocks represent my hopes and dreams. The stick is my job. The jeans are society. The shirtless torso represents my "check engine" light. The grey sky is a metaphor for the blue sky. The grassy field represents my hunger for food and respect and creativity (but really mostly for food). The belt is this blog, and the flat horizon is craigslist I think.

See? Worth a thousand words.

these things I have done

Okay weekend, but I really wish I'd spent less time sleeping and more time watching tv.

Friday

• Hot baseball action at the Bees game.
• Whenever I think of the Bees I think of this: bees?!?
• There was some controversy as the people around us complained that my friends were being too loud. Y'know, cheering and stuff. Apparently minor-league baseball is to be treated with the same reverence as clergy services.
• Went to Arby's, where we solved the nation's healthcare crisis.
• Solution? Bring back Abe Lincoln. He'd know what to do.

Saturday

• Bumped around Sugarhouse for a while in a bid to secure some picture frames and art supplies. Most of the places I wanted to go to were closed, a consequence of sleeping all afternoon.
• I used the opportunity to take pictures of this soon to be demolished Cafe.

• In all my years I never once saw this sign illuminated. Real shame, that.
• It's being replaced by this:

• For all I know Chipotle is good, but I don't know. I'm suspicious. All of the sudden they're popping up all over the place. It's an invasion. I have a rant against this genre of chain restaurant, Fast-Casual, but that will have to wait for another day.
• Anyway, I should draw your attention to this important political statement.

• Dig this crazy van.

• I know I've been talking about barber shops alot lately, but I have to mention that the schedule for this shop is waaaaay too complicated, not to mention loaded with conflicting information.

• Dined at Panda Express for the first time in six months.
• Remembered why it has been six months since I've dined at Panda Express.
• Saw the flick Rescue Dawn. Hilarious movie, at least according to the group of girls in front of us wearing J-Lo hats.

Sunday

• Finished the first Harry Potter book. I liked it at first, then it really lost steam in the middle, but picked up at the end.
• I tried to google some silly Harry Potter picture to put here, but I didn't really find anything.
• Didn't try that hard though.
• I did find a picture of an adult Halloween costume, "Slutty Hogwart's Student." I'm keeping that picture for myself though.
• Turns out there's a store in Santa Monica that sells nothing but Harry Potter themed merchandise and replicas.
• This has inspired me to open my own shop, selling nothing but Weird Science themed merchandise and replicas. So far all we have are dubbed VHS copies of the movie, a couple Oingo Boingo CDs, and a replica white tank top, just like the one worn by Bill Paxton's character Chet. I'm really excited about this.

end

Guile

Lies:

"Utah? You all have ten wives and it's impossible to get a drink there, right?"

The two most popular myths about Utah, most likely perpetuated by smug jerks from Colorado ("Ooh, look at us! We have microbreweries everywhere and the Red Rocks Amphitheatre! We're so great blah blah blah!")

Truth is it's not that hard to get a drink, and we certainly don't have ten wives. In fact I don't think I even know ten girls.

There is one common legend about Utah that actually is true: it's nigh-impossible to get a flattop. Flattops are the most tightly regulated hair-style in the state, and getting one usually isn't worth the hassle.

Luckily every once in awhile you stumble upon a place like this.

Sports

Well, Hank Aaron just lost his best pickup line.

party like a rock star

Hey Suede-Heads. I had a great weekend I did. Will that translate to a great (or at least passable) blog entry? We'll see. I think it does set a record for most swears in one entry though.

Friday

• Went to Koyo with my golden-mained friend Andy. We tried to go there last Monday but it turns out they're closed Mondays. Don't they realize that people still need dinner on Monday?
• You may remember that last time I went to Koyo I wanted nothing more than their Miso Soup, but my efforts were thwarted. Well not this time! I had soup. Boy did I ever.

Saturday

• Popped into my idiot brother Sean's Starbucks for some coffee. It was much appreciated by me.
• Lamented that I didn't have time to stop by Barnes n' Noble. Sean pointed out "Hey jackass, there's a bookstore not but five paces away."
• Bought a copy of Trainspotting, using Sean's 20% neighborhood discount. Thanks man!
• Ever read Trainspotting? I didn't realize this but it's written in Scottish. Luckily there's a glossary in the back, as I don't speak the language.
• A sample: "Aye ah fuckin am, if ah'm oan ma tod n ah git set oan by a fuckin squad ay shellsuits!"
• The big event for Saturday night was dinner with two of my favorite people, Nate and Courtney. They were in town from San Francisco for just one day and a lot of the Salt Lake Crew came out for dinner.
  
• We went to Sawadee, a Thai place I've never tried.
  

• Sawadee gets my highest endorsement. nice unobnoxious atmosphere, great service, and excellent food. What more do you want, you greedy bastard? We had reservations but 16 but like 25 people ended up being there, and the restaurant was totally accommodating.
  
• Our server's name was Wow.
  
• I ate this:

• Long-haired Gary Busey was there.

• Rock stars!
  

• That's Nate in the hat, and the other guy is Jeffrey Z, who's presence was unexpected.
• After dinner this noob was stirring up some trouble, and I told him off.
  

• Okay not really. That's just my friend Chris.
• Then we went to Emily the Cliff's house. There I got to spend some quality time with this dude Greg N., who I've known for a while but never really hung out with. He was a surprise guest that night.
• Awesome guy. Plus he has an IMDB entry which is more than I can say for myself, even though I am an award-winning documentarian.
• Greg should move from LA to SLC. It's just as easy to hang out here as it is there.
• Saw a huge pack of raccoons running across the street and into this haunted mansion.
  

Sunday

• Saw The Bourne Ultimatum. Awesome movie.
• Who would win in a fight between ____ and Jason Bourne? Jason Bourne.
  
• "But what about-" *ahem* Jason Bourne.
  
• Here he is killing a guy with a magazine.
  

• Matt Damon seems like a regular dude. I'm a regular dude. We should hang out sometime. Maybe go to a Red Sox game, have a couple beers. Maybe he can show me around Boston...
• After the movie shopped around a little. Found a pair of blue Chuck Taylor's I've been looking for. Didn't buy them, but I want 'em real bad now.
• Saw some clown in a crushed cowboy hat, day-glo shirt with flipped up starched collar, giant sunglasses, and plaid shorts. Quite the combination.
  
• Watched an top-notch documentary about artist Mark Rothko. I've always appreciated his work but never really "got it" until now.
  

• Watched a Danish movie called After the Wedding which I had high hopes for but it didn't really live up.
• Flight of the Conchords!
  

Monday

• Superbad!
  

• I was in tears. Not for everyone, sure, but I bet a lot of fellas can relate on some level to that kind of teenage desperation. Felt very real. Also it was damnedably hilarious.
  
• Spoiler! drawings of weiners.

There ya go. Passable.

They run and hide their heads

Ever gotten your hair cut by a woman that looks like the squeeky voiced midget from Poltergeist? Ever have her start crying in the middle of it? Crying because she's talking about the movie 300? All the while your old co-worker, the one that drove into a building in order to run over her husband, stares at you from the waiting area?

Well I have. But that was only my second most exciting adventure from last night. The first most exciting is the Monsoon I was caught in on my way home from work.

Early in the drive I noticed dark, ominous clouds on the Southern horizon. Figured we were in for some rain and cool weather, which would be a nice change of pace from the sweltering summer heat. Not five minutes later it had started to drizzle. Then next thing I know rain is coming down in sheets, and trees are whipping and bending every which way. Eventually visibility got so bad that I couldn't see anything, so I pulled over.



Then I remembered my windshield wipers. Coincidentally I had pulled over right into my parking lot. Who knew?

I don't think these pictures capture it, but it was the most rain I have ever seen in my life. I stood there under the corrugated metal carport for a while but the too-close lightning strikes were freaking me out so I hopped back in the car and sat there. Is it true that during a thunderstorm you're safest in the car, or is that just a myth?

Finally I worked up the gumption to go inside. I didn't run because I didn't want to look like a spaz, but the time I got inside my clothes were completely soaked.

Look at the view from my balcony!

This used to be the volleyball court! Okay not really, it's just a stream but it's normally way smaller than this. You'll just have to trust me.

Twenty minutes later all was clear, and I went to get a haircut as the rain evaporated into ghosts.