Thursday, May 31, 2007
This is one of the most spectacular neon signs I have ever seen. It's in Miami's South Beach, on Ocean Blvd. I think. I walked down there by myself one night, after an incredible rainstorm that left the streets flooded. Overall my trip to Miami was not that great, an account of the heat and humidity and the fact that the mosquitos tried to destroy me.
Wednesday, May 30, 2007
Tuesday, May 29, 2007
You may recall that last Monday I wrote all about my weekend in perilous detail. Well I'm going to do that again now, and in fact I have decided to make this a regular feature. Every Monday (or Tuesday if Monday is a Federally mandated holiday) I will write about my weekend. I think it's better for us this way.
This is me at the beginning of the weekend:
This is me now:
I'll explain later.
-Watched the Season Finale of Lost, again. Jack has a beard!!! They have to go back!!!
-Went to Dee's with Terrence Rex and Cherie the Schoolteacher. I ate breakfast at night. Can you even believe it?
-Watched Scorsese's masterpiece Raging Bull, which I had never seen. Black and white photography has never looked so good. Amazing movie. I can't believe it lost the Best Picture Oscar to Friday the 13th.
(note: I just realized that my weekend actually started Friday night, not Thursday night. Oh well. Consider it a bonus.)
-Got home from work, napped on the couch for two and half hours.
-Woke up refreshed, bored, and in the mood for a snack.
-Went to the House of Barlow where Cherie the Schoolteacher shared from the enormous supply of candy given to her by her students.
-Watched MTV's Scarred. Have you seen this show? Why why why why why why why is it on the air? Why did I watch it? Here's what it is: home-made footage of skateboarders and other Mountain Dew types suffering grievous injuries. It's not like Jackass where they're trying to hurt themselves, it's more like "Dude check it out I'm totally gonna jump over OH NO MY FOOT'S ON BACKWARDS!" Bottom line: arms should not be shaped like lightning bolts, when standing upright the sole of one foot should not point skyward, and your testicles should always remain on the *ahem* inside.
-slept in way too late. Puttered about for a while. Straightened up the homefront.
-Went to Jiffy Lube to get my oil changed. This took literally half a second.
-Wasted an hour wandering around Barnes n' Noble, did not find what I was looking for.
-I did see a book that looked interesting but I wanted to read the reviews on Amazon before buying it. Now I can't remember what it was called or who wrote it or what it was about.
-Headed Downtown to go the Gateway Mall, an hour before the Big Game was to start. If you live in SLC you know that this was a bad idea. For those that don't, the Gateway Mall is across from the Sporting Arena, in an area where parking is minimal and construction is rampant. I realized too late that I was never going to be able to find parking unless I wanted to pay $10. Traffic was so bad it took another half-hour just to get out of the area.
-Had some folks over to watch the Game. Home Team was losing until I realized that I was accidentally wearing the colors of Enemy Team, so I quickly changed and then Home Team ended up winning. Go Jazz.
-A French girl drank my Gatorade.
-Made the best cup of coffee in the world. I also make the best burgers and the best frosted cookies in the world. Just sayin'.
-Due to space limitations the rest of the evening's events will be omitted.
-Remember a few weeks ago when my computer got all busted? I finally got a new one. Yes, the reason I tried to go the Gateway Mall on Saturday and the reason I switched from Nerdy Guy to Cool Guy is because I have purchased a Mac. I am typing this up on a Macbook right now. I love it. It's so white and pure. I feel like I'm in the "club" now. In fact as soon as I took it out of the box electronifunkfolk rocker Beck called me up to congratulate me.
-Southern Soul Food Feast hosted by Terrence Rex. Best fried catfish I have ever had. And I've had a lot of fried catfish in my day (true story).
-My friend Em and I were feeling anti-social during the feast so we ended up inside watching Scrubs and drinking Guinness. Dr. Cox is so mean to JD all the time.
-Messed around with my computer.
-In honor of Memorial Day I sat around and messed around with my computer. I was disappointed by the lack of Baseball on my TV.
-Accidentally watched That Thing You Do. Pretty good.
-Went to the Big Game (part 4). Sat on the very last row. The Jazz lost. Afterward I saw a man crying.
-While I was walking from my car to the arena I passed a girl on the street who said "Nice blog." This is 100% true. She probably recognized me because I was wearing my Mets hat. Also I was sipping a fruity drink through a straw and carrying a turtle.
-During the game I saw a Marine in full dress uniform gingerly carrying two beers and trying not to spill. Later I saw him clapping two Thunder Stix together (Dear Australians: Thunder Stix are these inflatable balloon tube things that sound like a snare drum when banged together. They're very popular at sporting events. Maybe you have them over there too and now I just look like an idiot). Anyway, seeing the Marine just acting like a regular guy kind of made me sad. I'm not going to make a big "Support Our Troops" thing out of this but you really gotta hand it to those guys.
-Maybe someday I'll tell you about the time I snuck into Parris Island (that's where they train the Marines).
-Back home, messing around with my computer.
Oh, and now that I have a Mac you can expect to see a lot more pictures of me, like this:
Friday, May 25, 2007
This is one of my most favorite pictures I've ever taken. It represents everything that is good and pure and right with the world. Like neon, and sunsets. Electricity and, uh...cars. Also oxygen.
Wednesday, May 23, 2007
"It's slowly killing your dog, and it's probably in your garage. Find out what it is tonight at 10."
"A powerful new drug that's sweeping across the valley. It's not illegal, it can be found in any grocery store, and it's surprisingly cheap. Tune in at 10."
I saw a similar promo when I was watching the Big Game on Sunday. It went like this:
"Emo. Do you know what that means? Chances are your kids do. What every parent needs to know about this dangerous new subculture. Monday at 10, only on ABC 4 Utah."
I for one say thank goodness to KTVX Channel 4 news for bringing us this expose on beatniks. I mean, Elvis fans. I mean, Hippies. Er, Punk Rockers. No wait, Dungeons and Dragons players. Straight Edge. Goths. Emo kids. Yeah, Emo Kids. That's the ticket.
I'm going to share the report with you. I assure you that there are no exaggerations or inaccuracies, aside from my own parenthetical comments.
Newsman Ross Becker: "It's *shudder* ... weird."
(Who is Ross Becker anyway? Where did he come from?)
Reporter: "This is something that has come out of the internet, and into music. Emo is found in books, magazines [holds up stack of magazines, in case we're not familiar with the term], even Spiderman 3."
(Oh no, they got to Spidey!)
Cue a My Chemical Romance video, pictures of AFI, the Used, etc.
Reporter: "These kids wear black clothing and hair."
Reporter: "We started with the internet, where we quickly found thousands of websites dedicated to Emo!"
Cue a video that is obviously a parody of Emo culture, where a 1950s style announcer says, "Happiness is a sin in Emo culture!"
Reporter: "There's even an internet quiz for kids to determine if they too are Emo!"
(everyone knows quizzes are a gateway drug. It starts with some innocent quizzing, but that leads to questionnaires, surveys, tests, and even exams)
Reporter: "Do teenagers know about it?"
Reporter: "Do parents know about it?"
Reporter: "Emo fashion is obvious to the eye."
Then they show a picture of an orange polo shirt, and a pair of jeans. Yep. Obvious.
Reporter: "There's an even more disturbing aspect."
They show a video of some dude that is probably a hip young intern at Channel 4 pretending to cut himself.
Reporter: "Advanced Emo kids cut themselves."
(Advanced? How many experience points do you need to move up a level?)
Reporter: "On the internet, in this seemingly sweet song, a young boy sings about killing himself after the death of a lost love."
(since when is Ben Gibbard a young boy?)
Reporter: "Just because a teen may look Emo, parents shouldn't be alarmed. Unless they cut themselves."
(Some Parent sitting at home: "my boy cuts himself all the time. You're telling me I should be worried?"
After the report Ross Becker reacts as though this is the most shocking thing he's ever seen. I think he may vomit.
Who is Ross Becker?
Bleh. I hate these local news reports. After watching this I'm going to cut myself just out of spite.
Monday, May 21, 2007
- ate part of a Hot n' Ready
- drank a dead man's beer
- wrote a blues song about drinking a dead man's beer
Okay, I didn't really drink a dead man's beer. But the opportunity was there. Also, don't you think that would make a great blues song? I'm not talking about that Chicago style blues music, the kind that goes "I got the blues! I got the blues so bad!" but that spooky Southern blues.
- Went to Target, bought t-shirt, looked for ipod speakers (unsuccessful).
- Went to Car-Max to give my friend a ride after he sold his car.
- Ate a Costco hot dog even though my membership has expired. Take that, Costco!
- Saw Pan's Labyrinth. Good movie. Later I looked up the Spanish Civil War on wikipedia but I didn't bother to read the entry because it was too long, much as this entry has turned out to be.
- But did you know that the guy playing the Faun in Pan's Labyrinth is the same guy that played Mac Tonight in the old McDonald's commercials? Whenever I see Utah Jazzman Andrei Kirilenko I think of Mac Tonight. Also that same guy was Tom Cruise's hand-double in Interview with the Vampire.
- (That thing I mentioned about Interview with the Vampire is foreshadowing).
- Fondue at The Melting Pot. A complicated experience that was kind of fun but the waitress was rude. Also I drank an appletini.
- (I ordered the appletini as a joke. I would never drink something so froofy.
- (it tasted really good though)
- Ridiculous Purchase Adventure Day!
- What if I told you there was a store. A store where you could buy batteries, DVD copies of The Matrix Revolutions, cases of Shasta, almost expired canned goods, teethpaste, Nicaraguan basketball jerseys, floppy disks, giant novelty scissors, a Brett Favre autographed photo, a porcelain statue of Moses (next to a porcelain statue of Mr. Spock), a set of Presidential pocket knives, a wooden carving of a nude woman's torso, and a sky-blue Western cut suit with Ostrich-skin epaulets? Would you believe me that such a store exists? Well it does.
- After leaving that store, visited the Latino Mall. I didn't know it existed until we drove by. Really one of the nicest malls I've ever seen, but they don't have any cool stores.
- Next stop, some cowboy store. Tried to convince my geologist friend to buy a duster and a cowboy hat.
- Another cowboy store. Tried on some cowboy shirts but it turns out they're not for me.
- Saw a prostitute conducting a negotiation on State St.
- Went to a vintage clothing store, nearly bought a pair of emerald-green loafers but they didn't have my size. I didn't end up purchasing anything during Ridiculous Purchase Adventure Day, but one of my associates got a pair of snakeskin boots.
- Attended a Roller Derby competition. Did not compete.
- Saw Hot Fuzz at the drive-in, drank Mexican Soda.
- ("Mexican Soda" is not a euphemism, but it sounds like it could be. "Hey Jimmy guess what? This Big Gulp is half Fanta, half Tequila!" "Well you got yourself a Mexican Soda there.")
- Made biscuits.
- (didn't actually make them, but I assisted in the gathering of the ingredients).
- Watched the last half of Signs.
- (Spoiler: Mel Gibson dislikes Jews).
- Sat in a sweat-lodge with one of my favorite associates and watched the first half of Interview with the Vampire. I'd never seen it before, but I did read part of the book. Furthermore, the plantation where Brad Pitt lived for the first part of the movie? I have totally been there!
- Some light yard-work. But I live in a yardless apartment! How is this possible? The answer, my friends, is Science.
- Watched the first half of the big game while laundering my t-shirts (gentle cycle, cold water)
- Relocated, watched the second half of the big game.
- Relocated, laundered the whites, took a terrible and spiteful nap.
- Relocated, made waffles.
- Went to the store, saw a guy with a t-shirt advertising the Adam Sandler film The Waterboy.
- Relocated, watched Sopranos and Entourage.
Friday, May 18, 2007
I've always wanted to kiss a girl while the Smashing Pumpkins song "Tonight, Tonight" plays in the background. In particular the part where it crescendos during the chorus.
believe in me
drum drum drum drum drum drum drum
drnh, DRNH, drnh
By sheer chance I actually did this once, and it was way disappointing. Not nearly as cinematic as I thought it would be.
My next goal is to kiss a girl during the "Oooooh ooh ooooh" part of the song "Bleeding Heart Show" by the New Pornographers. If I ever finish writing my novel the characters in the book are going to do this, so that I can accomplish this by proxy.
I also want to dance with a girl to "Age of Consent" by New Order (possibly the best song ever). Also we're both silhouettes, like in an ipod commercial. (see below)
This one is going to be tricky. For one thing, where am I going to find that girl? Furthermore, I still haven't figured out a way to turn myself into a silhouette. The psychedelic background is doable, but it would be such a hassle that it would take a lot of the spontaneity out of it.
My last music/romance goal involves the song "Please Let That Be You" by The Rentals. We sort of broke up, and she's at a party with all her shallow snobby friends, and I'm hanging out with my idiot friends that are just holding me back. She half-heartedly drinks a champagne toast to her newly engaged friend, I half-heartedly chug a beer because wtf man. Both of us keep checking our phones hoping that the other has called. Finally we leave our respective parties and meet on the lawn of the mansion where we embrace and even though the sprinklers come on and soak us we don't even care.
I'm gonna go get some lunch now.
Wednesday, May 16, 2007
I had forgotten how good it is. The other day I wanted to listen to some music as I bathed and prepared for my day. As I've mentioned earlier my computer is slightly borked so that option was out. I have a large stereo in my bedroom (my room is too crowded and needs redecorating), but the CD player doesn't work. The stereo was a Christmas gift in 1993, so it had a good run. In case you need to know, the first CDs I bought for my new stereo were Led Zeppelin IV and The Doors self-titled debut.
Anyway, I was digging through the fourth drawer down, where I still have some old cassettes. I wanted to find the White Album because I had been listening to The Grey Album a lot lately and had a powerful craving for the White Album. Incidentally, I bought the White Album one summer after riding my bike to Raspberry Records, which no longer exists. Then I headed over to Blockbuster and rented the movie Yellow Submarine. A Cherry Coke was probably involved as well. This was back in... I'm gonna say 1993. That was a big year for me, musically.
Back to 2007! I couldn't find the White Album, but I did find "...And Out Come the Wolves." Guess where I bought that cassette? Raspberry Records. Probably closer to 1995 of 1996. My sophomore year of High School. Around this time my outward fashion sense was transitioning from classic rock t-shirts to a more ska/punk oriented mode.
There's another Rancid tape I have that I can't listen to anymore. "Let's Go." It's a fine record, but for some reason it brings up all sorts of bad memories. Nothing specific really, just a vague notion. Every time I hear it I'm reminded of lonely Saturday nights in January, the wind howling, sweeping away any remnants of the last snowfall, leaving exposed the muddy dead grass on the islands that divide different sections of an oil-stained parking lot. I hate that feeling.
By the way, I actually have spent some time hanging on the corner of 52nd and Broadway, but nothing cool happened.
Tuesday, May 15, 2007
Sadly, sometimes fruity drinks lose their umbrellas, which means that somewhere someone's cocktail isn't as festive as it could be. Tragic.
Friday, May 11, 2007
Thursday, May 10, 2007
Tuesday, May 8, 2007
On the ground, snow. In May! In the desert!
This picture was taken shortly after a scary incident in which I was cruising at 70mph enjoying Billy Joel's "We Didn't Start the Fire" when suddenly I hit a wall of snow and lost control of the vehicle. Luckily I remembered my training and regained composure while cars around me veered ditchward.
Though cold remains the temperature, breaks does the sun.
Through the Grand Arch I go.
Erected is a tent where no tent was before.
Sleep is interrupted by wind and rain and snores. Angry is B.
I went camping over the weekend. Don't believe me? Well I have proof!
Still don't believe me? Then this campfire exposes you for the fool that you are.
Oh, so you're one of those jerks that requires three forms of proof for every statement? How 'bout the desert sky?
Geez, what more do you want from me? Here's a tent!
More pictures throughout the week, if I feel like it.
Friday, May 4, 2007
Thursday, May 3, 2007
Tremendous disappointment! Aisle after aisle of mini-vans, mortgages, APRs, lawn-mowers, taxes, silky-hawaiian shirts, carpet samples, awkward small talk, collar tabs, prostate exams, AND an entire section devoted to going to bed early. Not... not what I had in mind.
Tuesday, May 1, 2007
Your blog sucks. Post a picture of a sea turtle already.
- Roy (Dearborn, MI)
If I wanted to read a blog with a complete lack of amphibians, I'd call my grandmother.
- Steve K. (Eden, UT)
Well I don't even know what that means, Steve. And sorry you don't like the blog, Roy. why don't you start your own damn blog
Don't worry readers, some people actually enjoy it here. Why, for every ten "you suck" letters I get one positive letter, like this one:
A skunk with a cup on its head? Where do you come up with this stuff? I love it! But I can't help but wonder: have you ever beheld a sea turtle? If so, what did that look like?
- Some Hot Chick (Reykjavik, Iceland)
Alright, I get it! You folks want more pictures of turtles. Well away we go.
Hope you're happy.
We don't have a name yet, but we had our first photoshoot last weekend and I'm really feeling good about it.