Being a man of the world, I like to be informed of hidden dangers, alarming trends, and new ways to get high. That's why every night I make sure to tune in to my local 10 o'clock news.
"It's slowly killing your dog, and it's probably in your garage. Find out what it is tonight at 10."
"A powerful new drug that's sweeping across the valley. It's not illegal, it can be found in any grocery store, and it's surprisingly cheap. Tune in at 10."
I saw a similar promo when I was watching the Big Game on Sunday. It went like this:
"Emo. Do you know what that means? Chances are your kids do. What every parent needs to know about this dangerous new subculture. Monday at 10, only on ABC 4 Utah."
I for one say thank goodness to KTVX Channel 4 news for bringing us this expose on beatniks. I mean, Elvis fans. I mean, Hippies. Er, Punk Rockers. No wait, Dungeons and Dragons players. Straight Edge. Goths. Emo kids. Yeah, Emo Kids. That's the ticket.
I'm going to share the report with you. I assure you that there are no exaggerations or inaccuracies, aside from my own parenthetical comments.
Newsman Ross Becker: "It's *shudder* ... weird."
(Who is Ross Becker anyway? Where did he come from?)
Reporter: "This is something that has come out of the internet, and into music. Emo is found in books, magazines [holds up stack of magazines, in case we're not familiar with the term], even Spiderman 3."
(Oh no, they got to Spidey!)
Cue a My Chemical Romance video, pictures of AFI, the Used, etc.
Reporter: "These kids wear black clothing and hair."
Reporter: "We started with the internet, where we quickly found thousands of websites dedicated to Emo!"
Cue a video that is obviously a parody of Emo culture, where a 1950s style announcer says, "Happiness is a sin in Emo culture!"
Reporter: "There's even an internet quiz for kids to determine if they too are Emo!"
(everyone knows quizzes are a gateway drug. It starts with some innocent quizzing, but that leads to questionnaires, surveys, tests, and even exams)
Reporter: "Do teenagers know about it?"
Reporter: "Do parents know about it?"
Reporter: "Emo fashion is obvious to the eye."
Then they show a picture of an orange polo shirt, and a pair of jeans. Yep. Obvious.
Reporter: "There's an even more disturbing aspect."
They show a video of some dude that is probably a hip young intern at Channel 4 pretending to cut himself.
Reporter: "Advanced Emo kids cut themselves."
(Advanced? How many experience points do you need to move up a level?)
Reporter: "On the internet, in this seemingly sweet song, a young boy sings about killing himself after the death of a lost love."
(since when is Ben Gibbard a young boy?)
Reporter: "Just because a teen may look Emo, parents shouldn't be alarmed. Unless they cut themselves."
(Some Parent sitting at home: "my boy cuts himself all the time. You're telling me I should be worried?"
After the report Ross Becker reacts as though this is the most shocking thing he's ever seen. I think he may vomit.
Who is Ross Becker?
Bleh. I hate these local news reports. After watching this I'm going to cut myself just out of spite.