More Betterness 1

the best thing of 2009, so far.

what gives this mess some grace

It's been a prosperous time for me. A real Pax Microtextilis. I mean, I haven't actually accomplished anything. Well, I guess those Twilight lolcats are a pretty big deal... anyway from last Tuesday to present I've been enjoying health and happiness. Those elusive "good times" we're all chasing after. Kicks, man.

Tuesday I saw Twilight. See entry below for a summary. I can't say it's a great movie, but it did have one scene I really liked:




It was probably the most fun I've had at the movies since I saw Godzilla (the movie) with Scotty Seal and Andy Paulsen back in whenever-that-movie-came-out. Matthew Broderick. Yeesh. Anyway, quality group of souls and we went to the Secret Theater and parked at the usual spot and TR dressed as a vampire and that's that.


Last year on the night before Thanksgiving I went to the haunted casket factory. I guess I always try to incorporate some element of the macabre into my Thanksgiving celebration. Be it haunted factories, vampire movies, stealing Geronimo's skull, whatever.

Wednesday night, hanging at Lisa's which is kind of a second home to me. Although I would never allow a slanket into my own home.

Thanksgiving I sat around all day reading... literature. I thought about making a "what I'm thankful for" post but nothing came to mind. Not that I'm not thankful for things, I just like to express it throughout the entire year instead of just on one measly day.

The food was extra good this year and I think I ate more than I ever have before on Thanksgiving. My eating habits favor frequency over volume, but I was ravenous. Now I know what it feels like to be Edward the Sparkly Vampire.

Before we knew it we had a Snoring Gordon on our hands.


Friday I took no pictures. But get this, so I'm going to get some coffee and maybe some McNuggets (I hadn't decided) and I'm at a stop light and then *thunk* I get rear-ended. I pull over and I think she's a cop or a bus driver or something but it turns out she's a security guard and there's an imprint in my car of the bolt from her licence plate holder and a couple of deep angry gashes that she insists were already there but if they were already there how come I've never seen them before huh? She calls the cops and we wait for an hour and it's cold a the cop shows up and he's a cool young dude with good posture and we fill out some forms and then each get a copy of each other's form so basically the cop and both of us had to take all that time just so we could exchage insurance info and the cop says "Now if you'll excuse me I have to go fill out tons of paperwork!" Man, cops hate paperwork.

I ended up getting free tickets for the Jazz game on Saturday. While standing on the corner waiting to cross to get to the train a car drove by and threw a tampon at me. It was unused, but that's still low on the list of things you want thrown at you.

Turns out Hot Rod Hundley prefers to go sockless.

And he keeps strange company. This cowboy tried three times before getting Hot Rod's attention. "Good evening Hot Rod."


With his back to the camera, Ron Boone, one-half of the greatest announcing duo in all of sports.


Craig: "The score's tied again. What is this, Ping Pong?"
Ron: "Pac-man."

I think I've complained about half time entertainment before, but I have no complaints about this patriotic leaping dog.


X-Treme The Bear with a cute little mini The Bear.


I wish there was a more efficient method of t-shirt delivery HOLY SHIT!


Go Jazz! In your face, net and Nets!

We left in the 4th quarter when the Jazz were down by 27.

Decided to make it a two vampire week and saw the Suedish film Let the Right One In. Becky has summed up these two flicks nicely and I echo much of her sentiment. Especially the part where she quotes me.

Sunday I went to a catered soup-based affair but you know what soup looks like.

But check this out. So Chen-Chen is trying to show off or something (now that he's not vying to be dominant male he can relax a little) and he just yanks down the whole feeding platform!


The dudes come to fix it cause apes gotta have a place to eat and Chen-Chen helps.


He helps with tools.


Hahahahahaha. Oh Chen-Chen.

CONTEST!

Today is August 12 and this is Microsuede's 266th post. In honor of that, I'm giving away a FABULOUS PRIZE!!!

You want this, even if you don't know you want it.

That's right. Orangutan Island, Season 1, on digital video disc. Delivered right to your door! OR delivered right to your hands, if I see you regularly! That's a $15 value!!!!!!!

B B B! How do I win?

It's an old fashioned caption contest! To enter, post a comment either captioning this photo or describing what's going on.

Wait, so you mean judging will be based on your crappy sense of humor?

Well, not exactly. To qualify, caption the photo. Once you're qualified you will be entered into a random drawing. You will have one entry for every caption you post. So be creative, have a take, don't suck. The winner will be determined Thursday, August 14, 2008, at 7pm MST. I will draw the winning entry from my Salt Lake Bees hat. Gatsby will witness this to make sure this contest remains free of shenanigans.

Important! I reserve the right to disqualify and delete any post that I don't feel properly matches the spirit of this contest. Meaning, you're not going to get an entry for posting "blah blah naked old man blah blah."

i thought you meant of the things you eat

Man, yesterday was frustrating. I kept getting some error when trying to load my pictures, leaving my thousands of readers in the dark. Sorry to put you through that, Suedeheads. I know it must have been awful for you. Maybe you can swap stories about what you did on The Day Without Microsuede.

I had a good weekend. Probably because it started with a good breakfast, the most important meal of the morning.

That idiot Sean was in town all week. Nice having him here, even if seeing him around the house is about as common as a Bigfoot sighting.


Friday night I enjoyed some Horchata and a drive-in picture show. I ended up seeing Get Smart, which I also saw Thursday. I found it just as enjoyable the second time. I was a big fan of the TV show as a kid. As of now I'm a big fan of Anne Hathaway. Oh that reminds me. You know what I never need to see in movies again? An actor in a fat suit. I'm through with that. You know what can be in every movie and I wouldn't mind? A lady navigating through a web of laser beams. It worked in Entrapment, it worked in Get Smart, and there's no reason it can't work in your film, Hollywood Director.

The second part of the double feature was You Don't Mess with the Zohan. I was a very outspoken critic of this movie throughout it's promotional campaign, but I'll be damned if I didn't laugh. A lot. I really liked it. That Adam Sandler is such a likeable fellow. Unlike that smug jerk Mike Myers.


Saturday I met this dog. I think his name is Little Dog.


Then, the annual Salt Lake City Arts Fest!


I want to start taking photography seriously. I'm so obsessed with "light painting" photos it's not even funny. I want to start doing it more well and printing them out or something. Maybe win some awards. Why would I talk about awards in conjunction with the Arts Fest? Who knows.

One thing I do know is that our parks are safer now that the Guardian Angels have come to town.

I think it's neat, what they do, but you gotta ditch the plaid shorts, man.

Anyway, why did I bring up awards? Oh, probably has something to do with the fact that in 2004 my award winning film was shown at the Arts Fest's Fear No Film film fest. My film headlined the program, and afterward I did a Q&A for the packed house.

That whole thing was such a great experience. So great that I'll give a shout out, four years later, to the Fear No Film organizer Amy Caron (standing to my right). She's an interesting local film-maker/artist/etc. and did an amazing job organizing that program. Amy, we should collaborate. I think your work needs more streaky neon photos.

Enough talking about the past. Let's look to the future! A future full of Dippin' Dots and Corn Fried Frankfurt Sausages.


Cowboy Corndogs ended up being a little more disturbing than I would have liked.


This hippie, along with his bongo bongoing friend were offering free hugs.


On the way out I took him up on his offer, because I will do anything to make this blog interesting. I hugged with such force that he became uncomfortable. Thing is, some super hot girl was passing by and was so impressed with my hug that she wanted one of her own. Take that hippie!

The thing about the new Salt Lake Library, is that it's really nice. A couple weeks ago there was a news story where a transvestite had allegedly tried to abduct two children. "Be on the lookout for a man dressed like a woman!" they warned. Then it turned out it actually was a woman.

I found some art that really spoke to me. Old neon signs and old buildings done up all trippy like. I almost bought this, even though I'm not really even sure what the Temple is.

She only had the huge size so I didn't get it, but see more of her work here.

Did I mention how crowded it was? Well it was very crowded. Ridiculously so. The whole thing was one big mosh pit. I did manage to find some breathing room and snapped this. I like it but I'm bugged by how crooked the City County Building is. They should fix that.

As with all things, you know it's time to leave when the Didgeridou Man starts playing.

Next year, arts fest.

Afterward, dinner at the Pub where we have a perfectly nice time on the balcony when a group of about fifty horrible, horrible drunks showed up and took the place over. I've never been around so much pure shrillness.

This picture has convinced me that I should go back to my old camera when taking pictures of neon. I guess it looks fine, but it's just missing... something.

This made me happy though.

Alright, I'm too tired to continue blogging.

rise up, my minions!

Phase 1 of my fiendish plan is complete.

Thursday April 03 2008
DUBLIN - An adventurous orang-utan went on-the-run yesterday in Dublin Zoo, making a bold bid for freedom after 24 years in captivity.
Maggie managed to enjoy an hour on the loose wandering around in front of her enclosure.

Sunday May 18 2008
TAMPA — A 10-year-old Bornean orangutan escaped from her new exhibit at Busch Gardens for nearly an hour Saturday before she was recaptured.
Luna Bella, who weighs about 85 pounds, climbed up the outside edge of a visitor viewing window in the park's new Jungala exhibit and then onto the roof of the exhibit about 6 p.m.
Caretakers were able to lure her back about 7:20 p.m. with apples, carrots and vanilla ice cream.

Sunday May 18 2008
LOS ANGELES - A 29-year-old male orangutan named Bruno escaped from his enclosure at Los Angeles Zoo on Saturday evening after making a hole in the wire fencing.
Zoo staff said Bruno never managed to enter the public areas and was quickly sedated by his keepers.
"He was calm and responded well to the staff," promotions co-ordinator Gina Dart said. "He was never aggressive."
Once out of his enclosure, instead of trying to flee, Bruno hid in an area behind his pen, where one of his keepers spotted him, the Los Angeles Times reported.
ABC News quoted zoo director John Lewis as saying that Bruno was easily sedated because, like the other five orangutans at the facility, had been trained to allow his keepers to administer medicine:
"Fortunately all of our great apes, the staff trained them to allow medical procedures, so the keeper actually put him through his behaviours, and he allowed her to hand inject him with anaesthetic and went right to sleep," Mr Lewis quoted as saying.
"They carried him to his bedroom, and it was all over in about 20 minutes," he added.

what was the question oh yeah memento mori

I'm at work. 716am. I'm typing slowly and quietly because I don't want to break the eerie silence consuming the room.

Here I am, tucked away in the far south east corner of the office. I think I'm the only one here.

Hark! In the distance rings a phone. A faint voice puts an end to the electronic trill. I am not as alone as I thought. I better put my shirt back on.

My department used to have this entire building all to ourselves, but since that was a poor use of space for a department of twelve people they moved this other department in. Then they decided to make things all pretty for the newbies so they're painting everything and building walls where none need be. I don't mind this new department being here, except that I used to work for them and I'm really afraid of - hang on, my phone is ringing.

I'm back. I'm pretty happy with the way my voice sounds today.

I didn't get much sleep last night because of the late Jazz game. I couldn't believe it. When Stockton hit that three -

- wow.

Oh wait. That wasn't last night. That was eleven years ago. Damn. I watched the whole stupid post game show in hopes of getting a nice end-of-season montage. The end-of-season sports montage is one of my favorite things in the world. But no. All I got was forty-five minutes of Pace Mannion's trite and pointless analysis and Thurl Bailey's ridiculous yellow suit. Funny: when you google Pace Mannion you only get two pictures of him. On the whole internet, two pictures of Pace Mannion. The Jazz's Number 1 priority this off season should be firing Pace Mannion and getting a post-game analyst who can actually analyze. It would be nice to get someone who can enunciate clearly as well.

What's my point? Right. Not much sleep. Getting out of bed was hard because I was seeing double. I feel okay now, but not exactly right. I think this picture accurately represents how I feel at the moment.

Updates throughout the day as I see fit.

UPDATE 945am

Time flies, I guess. I've almost been here three hours. I've been reading about Dante's Divine Comedy on Wikipedia. It's shorter than reading the actual book, but still too long.

Someone just texted me this picture, from the zoo in DC. My reputation is far reaching.

Listen, I had an important point to make about that other department moving in to our building. From the first day they arrived there's been an epidemic of people failing to properly flush the toilet. Which doesn't make any sense at all because they flush automatically. Also they toss their cigarette butts hither and thither. Not cool, Zeus.

I'm hungry. Very hungry. I'm gonna go steal some candy from under Liz's desk. The way I look at it if she didn't want me stealing it she would have done a better job hiding it.

These Kit Kats are all melty. And would kill her to stock up on some Reese's, or maybe a nice savory snack?

UPDATE 1219pm

I have returned from a refreshing couch nap on the couch in our "lobby." I put lobby in quotes because it's really just that one couch. But it's a great nappin' couch. I've been complaining about that other department all day, and now I will complain some more. You'd think that when entering the building, if saw a strange hobo looking guy passed out on the couch, you'd show common courtesy and be quiet. But no. They come stomping in like they own the place, chatterboxin' away.

The scene has really picked up though. I've got Joy and my damn fool brother Sean on chat, and Gatsby is here at work, so things are more lively.

UPDATE 109pm

I just got off the phone with a woman who sounded exactly like Ringo.

Now I'm having a conversation about Oprah's favorite things.

UPDATE 229pm

I just refilled my water bottle.

I wonder what's happening out there. Out in the real world. So many people, living their lives, unaware of the plight that has befallen me.

UPDATE 303pm

Sometimes I like my job, like just now when Gatsby and I spent ten minutes making jokes about scriveners.

how i spent my birthday

with a few of my favorite things.

please standby

Technical Difficulties are preventing me from updating the Microsuede as planned.

Please return later this evening to read about my fantastic adventures in the mythical city of Chicago.

slikk

what, i've got nothing better to do than sit around and update my blog? i'm at work. busy busy busy. today is terrible, i haven't been off the phone in the last three hours. it's outright hellish.

just now a guy got all mad at me for hanging up on him, and i didn't hang up on him at all. he was in mid-sentence and said "ah shit!" then as he was putting the phone down he said "asshole hung up on me." i am not the best customer serviceman in the world. in fact i'm probably in the lower percentile and i'll gladly own any mis-deeds that i actually commit, but i will not stand for being blamed for something i didn't do. if he call back then i will hang up with him just to keep the universe balanced

things are looking up though. it's baseball opening day. i'm DVR-ing the Twins/Angels game and having some gents over for my signature B.-Burgers. do any baseball fans read this blog? The Twins starting lineup is almost completely different from last year. should be interesting. Sports Illustrated has them finishing last in the division. bah to that, i say. over in the NL i'm still firmly on the Rockies bandwagon. also of note is the Bee's home opener in 10 days. exciting.

weekend was sedate. Friday night i went to Freaky Dee's, nothing too exciting, but i did see a guy wearing this coat.

Saturday i hung out with these idiots since it was Sean's last day in town. we went to lunch at Big & Delicious Burgers and then to the zoo.

not a real good day for animal watching since it was cold and all, but it was fun watching Talukan try to enjoy a bottle of frozen lemonade. he took the lid of and tried a few times to get a drink but it didn't work. finally he started ripping the plastic jug from the lemonade block with his teeth, then licked away as though it were a popsicle.

the zoo is trying to pass off this big rubber alligator as the real deal. those fools didn't even paint it the right color!

Sunday i watched season 1 of Twin Peaks. man-oh-man. that's good television. Dale Cooper is one of the best characters there's ever been.

ch ch-ch chhh ch-ch chhh ch-ch chhh

3/7-3/10

How many days was your weekend? How many apes did you befriend? Huh?

I had a three-day weekend because I just wanted an extra day off. No occasion for it. Friday night... nothing worth reporting. Oh, I cleaned out my freezer. There was stuff in there from when I first moved in three years ago.

Saturday night, big party in honor of Lee moving into Damian's house (both those guys are linked over there) and Danny H.'s birthday (he will be linked soon but isn't yet due to laziness).

Lots of good folk there. I almost found myself in a quagmire of a political argument but luckily Scott showed up with his new sword and distracted everybody.


You might remember that last week his old sword was stolen. This sword is way better. So much more honorable.

Some little girl put a dinosaur on my head. Kids have the worst jokes.


Also, black velvet painting of a temple.

I wish I had more pictures of the party but I'm sure someone out there in the blog-o-sphere has some.

On Sunday I got really confused and thought it was still last Sunday so I drove for hours to visit an old mining town and cemetery. My life is reruns, man.

Actually, my mom up and adopted herself a cat. She spent weeks researching pet adoption sites and finally found one she liked in Rifle, Colorado. The foster parents agreed to meet halfway in Price, Utah so my mother and I had ourselves a little road trip.

The early morning got off to a bad start when the fowl conspired to block my egress.



They wouldn't move! I inched closer and closer and honked the horn, and more ducks would come sit in the road. So we didn't end up taking my car.

Morning sure is pretty. I wish I could see it more often.


Before we get to the journey, how about you meet the new cat.


She's a very regal thing, but still quite skittish. Haven't decided on a name yet. The final candidates are Sushi, Maneki-Neko, Wasabi, and Ricky.

The drive to Price is on the perilous Highway 6. Old school Microsuede readers will remember that I wrote about this last year. Sunday morning was great though. No traffic, clear skies. It's actually a nice scenic drive.


We had some time to kill so we stopped by the old mining town of Helper. It's aged much better than Eureka, and people still live there since the coal-mining industry hasn't dried up yet.

Old signs, yep.


The streets were empty because I guess everyone was in church. Or working the mines. Or dead.



Lies! Piggly Wiggly only operates in seventeen U.S. states.

On the way back I wanted to stop at an old cemetery just off the Highway. It's called Mill Fork, and the graves there are very very old but it's still maintained by the descendants.


This section contains fourteen unknown travelers that were killed by Indians in the 1800s.

Leaving the cemetery some IDIOT was overconfident in the four-wheel drive and got us stuck in the snow. That same idiot had to crawl around on his hands and knees digging snow with an empty water bottle between intervals of pushing and lifting the car. Luckily another wayward traveler happened by and helped out. Thanks, whoever you are.


Sunday night: THE SERIES FINALE OF THE WIRE!!! - 30 -


Monday, the third day. Now look, I complain alot about that goose that's alway hassling me. You might think I'm just goofing around but it's a serious problem. This is the view from my bedroom window Monday morning.


Nothing on my plate Monday except for going to the zoo to look at orangutans. Kind of ridiculous that I watch them on TV all the time but haven't bothered to go see them in real life when four of them are only minutes away.

The zoo has a two year old named Acara, and she's awesome.

Here's the father, Eli. He's like a big ball of chewbacca.



Eve, the mother. She seemed to be in some distress today and Eli and Acara tried to comfort her to no avail.


This cool customer is Talukan. He's in a separate area from the other family, all by himself.

He yawns alot.


The best part is when Acara came over to say hi.

I almost always have my laptop with me, and I pulled it out to try to take a picture with the Mac-Cam. That's when she first came over. She was fascinated with my computer. Every time I pulled it back out she came over to take a look.



Finally, here's a gorilla reading the paper.