Monday, February 18, 2008

I don't even know what day it is anymore

I know that it's Monday morning, but I don't know the date. Keeping track of that kind of thing is harder than you think.

I want you to take a look at this man.

How do you feel about him? Do you like him? Do you hate him? Do you want to shoot at him or headbutt him or fight him in a parking lot? Why or why not? We'll come back to this later.

The important thing is that Friday I bowled the best game of my life. For the first time in history I had the highest score. Check out that 149! Look at all those strikes and spares! What a great night.

Oh, also it was the season finale of Orangutan Island and I was moved to tears. Metaphorically. I want so badly to do my part to save the orangutans, but every organization I look up just wants money. Isn't there something I can do besides donate money? Like, play catch with them or push them around in a wheelbarrow maybe?

Not much to say about Saturday. Wait holy crap did you see the NBA dunk contest? I usually don't get into it but man, that was awesome.

I tried to watch a movie but it was so lousy I had to turn it off after forty-five minutes. I won't say which movie it was in case you liked it and I don't want you to feel like a jerk. Instead I let my inner film-geek take over and watched Citizen Kane with Roger Ebert's commentary. It was great. So fascinating! Also in case you wondering about the best smug laugh in cinema history, it's this:

Sunday I got it into my damn fool head to go to a different grocery instead of my usual reliable store. Spirit of adventure and all that. I'm walking through the parking lot and notice this guy staring at me. I keep glancing toward him thinking "Why is he looking at me? Do I know him? Did I steal his parking space? What?"

Then he yells "WHAT?" and I look back at him and he says "What are you looking at?" I had to pause to make sure I hadn't walked into a saloon circa 1876 because I didn't think people actually said that. So I looked at him again, puzzled. This angers him further. "What the f*** man! What's your f***ing problem!" I ignored him and went inside.

I grabbed a cart but realized I should probably get out of there. I didn't want to be walking out to my car with a sackful of pasta-roni and get jumped by this maniac. When I left he was a safe distance away, staring me down as I walked to my car. I got in the car and gave him a shrug. I drove off with him burning a hole with his eyes, so as I was pulling out of the parking lot I rolled down my window and gave him a wave. Then he just went nuts. Screaming so loud his voice was hoarse. Wanted me to go back so he could eff me up. He also threatened to eff up all my friends which is weird because I was alone and I don't think he knows my friends.

That brings us back to the big question: why do strangers always want to hurt me? Is it because I look so threatening? (see pic below). Is it because I'm clearly the dominant male and they want to unseat me from the throne? Seriously, I have no idea.


  1. wow who got 108. they must be fantastic.

  2. I think it was the same person that took the picture...

  3. I think your problem is your transparency. It's like you have a floating thought bubble declaring: this guy is a few french fries short of a happy meal. Only crazy people can actually see it. Practice your poker face.

  4. that's a really impressive bowling game. congrats.

    also, ironically, that scene in the parking long could have come straight from an episode of orangitan island.