Friday, February 6, 2009

job trees

I'm looking for jobs. I'm not looking very hard. Just clicking around. I haven't pounded any pavement. I hate the whole process. I hate filling out job applications (bad handwriting) I hate job interviews (sweaty) and I hate meeting new people (gross). I always think that ordering office supplies is going to be fun, but it never is. You flip through a catalogue and get new stuff for free, but in the end they're just tools that you will use to do work.

Mind you, I'm not opposed to work. Recently I did some labor and it was kind of nice. My pappy used to say "a good job is one where you shower at the end of the day, not the beginning" and I think maybe there's something to that.

In any event, I need a job. I'm not really concerned about money (yet), but I'm just feeling totally unnecessary. I was driving home tonight thinking "why am I even here?" then realized I better update the blog since it's really the only thing I do.

Checking the double-u dot, I've found interesting openings that I might be good for.

Pizza Sales Associate

I like pizza. I eat it all the time. Once I bought seventy six pizzas in one go. I bet I'd be a great pizza salesman. I'd be a legend.

"The new kid's good, but he's no Bryton Sampson. I tell you that fella could sell a pizza to a cosmonaut on a Sunday afternoon. Why I once saw him turnaround three pies to a man who still had his hand in the hot n' ready box."

Validation Manager

I'm good at this too, which means I'm bad at comforting people. Because my idea of comforting someone in distress is to agree with them. I think I'm validating their feelings, but really I'm just making them feel worse. That's why they call me the Human Fog Machine.

Someone: "I'll never be a success!"
Bryton: "Well, few people ever are."

Waste Management

I know what this is. This is the Sopranos. What kid hasn't dreamed of living the mobster life? Problem is, I want a job with a lax dress code, and this one would require Tommy Bahama shirts and leather blazers.

Sales Rep, Associated Packaging

I bet I'd get free boxes. That would make me popular with the moving day crowd.

Well whatever. Maybe I can keep waiting for the zoo to have a monkey handler position open up. What else... gmail chatter? phone-call ignorer? Neon sign salesman? Hmm. That might have promise.


  1. You could start weatherizing some houses, maybe. Also, I hear there's a lot of money in your used gold, if you have any lying around.

  2. You know who your friends are on moving day and when you need a job!