Saturday, February 14, 2009

happy valentine's day or something

I'm not one of those bitter-about-Valentine's-Day sorts. Granted, in general I'm a mope, and I spend most of my free time thinking about girls, but Valentine's Day ain't no thing. Whatever. By and large I heart everyone, except for when I don't. But we can all say that can't we?

Anyway, here's something I've been wanting to talk about for a while, and today seems like as good a day as any: romantic comedies. Specifically, romantic comedy posters, specifically this one, which is possibly the worst movie poster of all time.

Wow. Here's everything that's wrong about this:

- It stars French Stewart. The squinty nasally guy from that one show.
- Look at the way his arms are tied. He can still bend his elbows. That hideously awkward position he's lying in is completely unnecessary.
- If I'm tied up by Pete Sampras's attractive ladywife, I'm not thinking "love stinks." Especially if I'm the squinty nasally guy from that show.
- Then you have TV's Bill Bellamy leaning in from out of nowhere doing that classic comedy poster cliche move, the "getaloadofthis." I think that's supposed to make us want to see the movie, so we can get a load of whatever Everyman Bill Bellamy wants us to get a load of.
- Bill Bellamy coined the phrase "booty call." That's not a complaint about the poster, just a fun fact.
- Tyra Banks. Actually Tyra Banks is the least offensive thing about this. Which is saying alot, because she's one of the most offensive things about Earth.
- "Okay, we've got all our demographics covered. Fans of French Stewart, fans of boobs, guys who hate love, the 'urban' crowd... is that everyone? WAIT! Let's throw a cute animal on there too."
-Whichever numbskull said "best date movie of the year." Get this, from the wikipedia page:

As Seth leaves the chapel, Chelsea grabs a security guard's gun and shoots Seth in the butt. The film ends with Chelsea being arrested and Seth on a gurney rolling into an ambulance. Chelsea is calling him an "asshole" and he is screaming in return, "Back to hell demon! Back to hell!"

This sounds like the most miserable movie ever! If I took a date to see this she'd have every right to set me on fire afterward.

I have more to say on the subject of rom-coms, but that's enough negativity for one day.


  1. Hey, Bridgette Wilson: French Stewart is just not that into you.

  2. So: instead of shooting him, shoot yourself. I don't know where you went wrong, but this life isn't worth it anymore, this earth is no longer yours. (if Adam Sandler would have said, "The Spanish Inquisition," I have a feeling things would have turned out better for all of us.)

  3. I would like to meet whatever horrible person wrote that wikipedia entry.

  4. why do i always confuse french stewart with sasha mitchell?

  5. You are supposed to write "Spoiler Alert" whenever you are going to write what Bill Bellamy wants me to get a load of.

    I guess I know the suprise ending now, thanks.

  6. ahem... I believe they are called ro-co's, not rom-com's. I know because I am a girl.