Wednesday, April 28, 2010

here are those oily musclemen you ordered

Today's post is about sports. You know, sports! I'll be covering the three major American sporting contests: basketball, baseball, and professional wrestling.

As of this writing the Utah Jazz are locked in a first round playoff battle with the Denver Nuggets. The series got off to a rough start when the Jazz lost badly and the Money Man was felled by a Trojan arrow. The Jazz went on to dominate the next three games and are up 3-1 on the series and looking mighty fine.

Maybe you don't care about that, but the thing you need to take away from it is that this man is coaching the Denver squad.

Look at that picture. Study it. Burn it into your memory. I feel like it may be the most important sports image of this or any generation.

That's Adrian Dantley, former Jazzman (obviously). I have one of his shoes in my possession and I'm not giving it back. If you watch any broadcast of the games the announcers are wont to remind you that Dantley played for the Jazz. They would also like you to remember that Jerry Sloan has been coaching a long time and that John McCain was a POW in Vietnam.

I went to one Jazz game during the regular season. The final game of the season in fact, vs. the Phoenix Suns. If the Jazz win that game, they get the #2 seed in the playoff. Lose, and they get #5. Sure to be a classic. One for the ages. A game you tell your kids about (if you're a bad parent).

The player introduction was exciting. And that's all I can say about that game.

This ended up being the worst live sporting experience of my life. To say the Jazz played lackadaisically is an insult to lackadaisians everywhere. Making matters worse was the whole gaggle of dorky Phoenix fans sitting in front of us, cheering every single play and holding up a big Arizona flag and just generally being dorks. I was so angry I couldn't even take a clear picture!

Well, it was a nice evening at least.

Considerably better was Game 3 of the playoffs. A game made boring in the 4th quarter because the Jazz were simply having their way with the Nuggets, like a lion toying with a jellyfish.

Now I'm not saying my seats were last row, but this was the view directly behind me.

Also it's baseball season.

The Bees are off to a rough start but they have some exciting young prospects. The Major League Twins are killing it so far, dominating their opponents like a jellyfish toying with a smaller jellyfish. I gotta say, I'm not a huge fan of Target Field so far. I miss the Metrodome and it's weirdo charm. Of course that's easy for me to say watching at home. Baseball outside is probably nicer than baseball in a tent.

What's going on here? WHAT ON EARTH IS GOING ON HERE?

Well that's pro wrestling of the WWE (formerly F) variety. I was huge nerd wrestling fan back in my younger days and recently my young brother has gotten back into it. He got front row tickets to a non-televised event and I went along. Man oh man it was fun! And unlike other, perhaps more "real" sports, with the wrestling the final result is almost always what you were rooting for.

Here Jack Swagger reacts to the agonizing pain of having someone kick the side of your calf with the top of their foot.

Here we have Cody Rhodes trying his darndest to rip Christian's arm clean off.

Occasionally they'll throw in something to appeal to the men.

I was close enough to the ring to warn that nice lady that with the way she kept bending over, we could all see her backside. Boy I bet she was embarrassed!

This guy, Lou Largeman, blatantly ignored the rules and tried to murder his opponent my crushing his larynx.

Here's a true story: I talked to that giant (The Giant) on the phone once when I worked in the hotel biz. He called to book a room for a vacation for him and his wife. I recognized his deep, otherworldly voice right away but never let on that I knew who he was. He was actually a really nice guy.

The main event featured a team-up of John Cena, HHH, and Sexy Boy Shawn HBK Michaels. Cena was so confident he openly mocked his opponents.

But maybe he didn't realize he was fighting Batista, the scariest man in the world.

Or Randy Orton, the second scariest.

While the bad guys preen and mock, the good guys plan out a strategy. That's what winners do.

Despite some back and forth action, near the end it really looked like the good guys were going to lose.

Somehow, SOMEHOW, they found some strength deep within and went on to score the victory!

Then they shared a nice tender moment.

Then HHH gave me a hi-five.

Go teams!


  1. Another great, from Jazz to wrestling, all on sweaty, oily men.

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