Monday, October 26, 2009


Look. I'm going to start speaking with a British accent, okay? It's not weird, but I need you to go with it. It's not weird. I haven't decided which accent to use yet because apparently there are lots of them. But when I do, if you know me in real life, just pretend that I've sounded like that all along. It's not weird.

No, I'm not any kind of Anglophile at all. I'm quite happy calling chips chips and fries fries. Don't care for soccer at all. You ever seen this guy Russel Brand? He sucks. I guess he's outrageous or something and has the Brits all a twoggin' (that's a British term) but he's not funny. And the Arctic Monkey's are less good of a band than the Strokes. It's just true. Accept it.

But something has to give. I'm slumping here. I go to bed every night, and that's one more bedtime closer to the final curtain. I need a change and this is the easiest and most effective change I can make. Having an American accent hasn't gotten me anywhere. I can't really afford to move away and I don't want to buy new clothes. Listen, you won't even notice after a while. You'll just get used to it. It's not weird.

I really feel like this is the best move for me at this time. Picture it. Exact same me, but British. Here, examine this scenario.

Me, now: "Hey wanna go get a Gyro?"

You: "No."

Me, British: "Fahncy a jie-ro?"

You: "Oh yes let's!"

It's just that simple. Okay fine, this is all about chicks. I mean, birds. I mean, buhds. The new accent is going to make me 19% more attractive and interesting. This isn't a desperation move, it's just good business sense. My annoyances will become quirks. My rudeness will met with giggles. My lack of talent will be chalked up to you not getting my avant garde ways. Just trust me on this one. It's not weird.


  1. I'm glad to hear you're taking me seriously on this.

  2. Russell Brand is SO sucky.

    Good call, Chap.

  3. Wait, so what's your new British name going to be? Ringo, right?

    Come on, you know you want it to be Ringo.

  4. Weird, since I've never heard your voice I always assumed you had a British accent. I think your new British name should be Clive. Cheerio, barmy mate!

  5. I vote on Rupert for your new english name.
    It will add approximately 2.7% of sexiness to your person.