i could be dancing right now

I got a job!

One of those jobs that only lasts one day. But it's in the film industry! I turned a studio from this:


To this:


Using this:




and both of these (hands) (only one pictured):


I've never painted anything before, unless you count that one time a kid in the neighborhood tricked me into whitewashing a fence for him.


Also I have a really bad cold.

supplemental

I haven't updated in a week! What's going on here?

I have a big update coming soon that I was planning on working on tonight but I don't feel good and I smell like fry bread for some reason and it's making me sick. Also I'm tired from all the adventuring I did today (coming soon).

Pictures.

Here I am in the middle of one of my narcoleptic episodes.



Here's some weird food stuff.





and here's the kid from Bad Santa, because that kid is awesome.



The end.

Harrison Ford Wants Snack

pardon our mess

Gack! I've accidentally hit "publish" twice on an entry that wasn't ready yet. You'll see them if you're using google reader. Please disregard and check back later today.

Maybe it's time for me to get out of the Game. The Game of Blogging. I'm getting slow on the draw. Or I guess, too quick on the draw.

I could retire... set up a nice website somewhere, get myself a Tamagotchi for companionship.

Every once in a while some young punk looking to make a name for himself will stop by, click on "contact us."

"They say you used to be a blogger. They say you used to be the best."

-"You got the wrong guy, kid. I don't do that anymore. I ask you now to please move along. I have to ask a second time, won't be so polite."

"Just what I thought. You're nothing but a wash up. I guess I'll let you get back to your Gateway computer to check your AOL account."

[B. sets his jaw]

-"Kid."

"What?"

[B. uploads a picture of John McCain and adds his own hilarious caption. The younger man is stunned. He's never seen anyone use a macbook track-pad that fast.]

-"Whoever told you I used to be the best was wrong. I'm still the best. Now I ask you again, move along."




That was a pretty good story. I call it Unforgiven.

documentary

Very tasty.

world was on fire no one could save me but you

Hey! We have a lot to talk about this week so let's get going. I mentioned in my last blog that I was thinking of going to Denver. Well I did go to Denver, and I took pictures. Not gonna get to that until tomorrow though. There are time-sensitive issues that need to be discussed.

In the interest of full disclosure, my general attitude right now is "nope." Whatever that means.

So what do people do when they're not watching the Olympics? Apparently 86% of America watched the games. I watched a lot of lympics myself. Really enjoyed them. Come to think of it I think I've enjoyed the games every time ever since LA in '84. Actually I don't remember watching much if any of the last summer games in Athens. But that was a turbulent time. Athens: nope.

I bet you think you're pretty cool huh Beijing? Hosting the Olympics and all. Not every city gets to do that. Oh oh oh, what's this?


Boom.

So the Wasatch Front was on fire today. Could still be on fire for all I know. I noticed billows of smoke on my lunch (nap) break and figured the fire was just down the street. Turns out it was a million miles away, just huge. The whole valley is literally covered with ash. We're all going to need to get up early tomorrow to shovel our driveways. Because of all the ash. After work I went to pick up a sandwich and then cruised around taking pictures of the apocalypse.








Maybe I should name this post "Apocalympics." Eh.

David Bowie Sells Out

Everyone acts like David Bowie is such a respectable artist, but the truth is he will shill any product that comes along. Anything! The man has no scruples.

auteur theory

I've noticed an odd phenomenon at the movies lately. The last four pictures I've been to I've seen people walk in about an hour into the movie. They have a big full bucket of popcorn and drinks and they stand there in the dark trying to decide where to sit.

You see what's happened, is they've walked into the wrong theater. This is disturbing for a variety of reasons. The theater number is printed on the ticket, and posted in front of the proper auditorium. Then someone takes your ticket, and despite their adversities they courageously tell you which theater to go to. Furthermore, can't these people tell when they walk in that something isn't right? I mean I guess they just assume that they're a few minutes late, but still.

I guess the thing that worries me the most is that this has only started happening recently. I don't like this new direction that we the people are taking. Oh well. Guess it's just another thing for Obama to take care of.

I bring this up because I've thinking alot about movies lately. My screenwriting career hasn't taken off like I'd hoped. It's time for me to get crackin', so this week I've been brainstorming and I've come up with tons of plot ideas for different movies and I wanted to share a few:

- heist gone wrong
- two people don't like each other at first
- some assholes go to college
- misfit triumphant
- boobs n' monsters
- funny accents
- there's nothing in the rulebook that says a Dachshund can't play third base
- based on the graphic novel nobody has ever heard of
- old people skydive
- the robots have started thinking for themselves
- rappin' animals (cgi)

America

Love:
- the hum of the highway
- the abundance of soda pop
- HBO Original Series'
- Shan Foster
- The Tampa Bay Rays
- The Ramones
- sagebrush
- D-Day
- when steam comes out of manhole covers
- southern style biscuits
- ray bans
- "They say it can't be done? Well by golly we'll figure out a way."
- motel signs
- immigrants with their own businesses
- 24 hour diners
- the way 7-11 smells
- Obama
- McSorley's Old Ale House
- comic books
- Converse All-Stars
- Wrigley Field
- league night
- the fact that you can get like, any kind of food here
- the Great American Novel

Hate:

- My Super Sweet 16
- Calvin Pissing decals
- No respect for the land. No respect at all.
- Outrageous Comedies
- Famous Non-Celebrities
- Local news broadcasts
- the lack of any native apes
- doctors


what about you?

Grassroots Effort

If you do a google image search for "hotchuma hotchuma" you get six pictures, one of which is this:


Hotchuma Hotchuma? What the eff is that all about? Check it out here. Join the movement.

Hotchuma!

...

I hope when I die I'm not in the nude.

rise up, my minions!

Phase 1 of my fiendish plan is complete.

Thursday April 03 2008
DUBLIN - An adventurous orang-utan went on-the-run yesterday in Dublin Zoo, making a bold bid for freedom after 24 years in captivity.
Maggie managed to enjoy an hour on the loose wandering around in front of her enclosure.

Sunday May 18 2008
TAMPA — A 10-year-old Bornean orangutan escaped from her new exhibit at Busch Gardens for nearly an hour Saturday before she was recaptured.
Luna Bella, who weighs about 85 pounds, climbed up the outside edge of a visitor viewing window in the park's new Jungala exhibit and then onto the roof of the exhibit about 6 p.m.
Caretakers were able to lure her back about 7:20 p.m. with apples, carrots and vanilla ice cream.

Sunday May 18 2008
LOS ANGELES - A 29-year-old male orangutan named Bruno escaped from his enclosure at Los Angeles Zoo on Saturday evening after making a hole in the wire fencing.
Zoo staff said Bruno never managed to enter the public areas and was quickly sedated by his keepers.
"He was calm and responded well to the staff," promotions co-ordinator Gina Dart said. "He was never aggressive."
Once out of his enclosure, instead of trying to flee, Bruno hid in an area behind his pen, where one of his keepers spotted him, the Los Angeles Times reported.
ABC News quoted zoo director John Lewis as saying that Bruno was easily sedated because, like the other five orangutans at the facility, had been trained to allow his keepers to administer medicine:
"Fortunately all of our great apes, the staff trained them to allow medical procedures, so the keeper actually put him through his behaviours, and he allowed her to hand inject him with anaesthetic and went right to sleep," Mr Lewis quoted as saying.
"They carried him to his bedroom, and it was all over in about 20 minutes," he added.

hat dance

Scotty is my oldest friend. Or rather, the friend I've had the longest. We've known each other since kindergarten, can you believe that? Anyway, if you think that Scotty doesn't love banging thunder stix together, then you are dead wrong.

Don't worry!

Here we have a list of my favorite inside jokes

- Is there a ... prblm?
- Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!
- Ghost Whore Guy getting mad at the concierge
- Bold. Angry. Like a stallion.
- No, will you marry me.
- She doesn't know where a coffee shop is
- Ghost Whore Guy taking a nap after every meal
- My finest memoirs
- Viking Coal
- Ghost Whore Guy loves this couch
- A. Puma
- 420 for President
- All we need is one more unigloshi
- We!?! I
- Really? Really?

March 15!

Oh no, the Ides! I completely forgot about the Ides!

This does not bode well.

This is the thing I did the other night instead of getting a haircut

Things we will not be discussing today

-My new haircut (I didn't end up going to the barbershoppe after all)
-What I ended up doing last night instead of getting a haircut (forgot to upload the pictures)
-My trip to Cuba (don't feel like it)
-Pants (not now)
-The movie 300 (seek this discussion elsewhere)


Things we can discuss:

-Springtime (isn't it great?)

The following is a list of characters I encountered during a recent trip to the store

-The Oblivious Polygamist
-The Whorebot
-Coach Headbutt, the Fast-Motion Man (an accomplished gum-chewer)
-The Armless Lesbian
-White Sweatpants and Fringy Leather Jacket Lady Who Needs Sunglasses
-Nervous Young Couple Buying Prophylactics
-Hamburger Lecter