common side effects include drowsiness and mime hallucinations

You wouldn't think it would be that hard to recap very recent events in one's own life. Yet I find myself frozen at the keyboard, unable to summarize the events of Christmas week. I was hoping that by diving on in I'd find my groove, but I just spent about an hour between typing "... Christmas week." and "I was hoping..."

Well whatever.

Tuesday night. Tuesday had that "last day of school" feeling. I guess that Christmas Break excitement that you pick up in grade school never really leaves. After work I went to one of my downtown safehouses to watch the Jazz lose badly in a game that wasn't interesting to watch. But the night still had a happy ending when we found ourselves with a huge bag of balloon animal balloons. The reasons for this are too complicated and dull to get into, but balloon animals is the shit, yo. Check out this one:

Yeah Terrence made that one. Here's one of mine:


To be fair, he had the instruction book and I did not. Plus, did anyone really expect me to be good at balloon animals? Have you ever seen me try to wrap a present or write my own name?

Christmas Eve Morn I got up like way early and went to breakfast with some of the crew. I was satisfied with my breakfast, but I feel like it could have been more exotic. There was also some controversy over fresh fruit, but maybe that busker TR can explain that.

I zipped around to do some last minute Christmas shopping and it wasn't bad at all. I expected less parking spaces and more sharp elbows to the ribs. One thing I didn't expect at all was this:

I don't often see Native American Mimes dancing and miming on a street corner in front of the dollar theaters. What was she doing there? My comic book- I mean, drug dealer Greg said "maybe she's protesting against Indians that talk too much." That's a good explanation. More likely though, I think she was just embracing the indie-film idea of making the world more magical or something like that. Normally I would scoff at such an idea but hey, it got me talking. Godspeed, girl.


I classed it up for our family Christmas party. I tied a Windsor knot in my necktie for the first time. Usually I just go with the four-in-hand which is strange because I like symmetry. There aren't any pictures of Handsome B but here's Mikey keepin' it cool.


There was a really awesome cheese log and cracker platter but you'll have to imagine it because the picture I took was grotesque.

Gordon is not gonna put up with any bullshit.


Christmas Morning. Awwww look at the cat she thinks she's presents!



Mikey wanted an iPhone but I couldn't afford that so I just made one for him.


I asked him to take pictures of the family and stuff but instead he took about fifty pictures exactly like this.



I got some fun stuff. Like this, Joy Division's "Love Will Tear Us Apart" on vinyl. That's one of the best songs there is.


The problem is there are three different versions. This has the March 1980 version, but I like the January 1980 version much better. I didn't know that it would be the lesser (in my opinion) version on this record. But it's got a cool cover and it's on green vinyl and there are secret messages written on the inner groove so that's cool.

I also got a bitchin' coffee table book about the history of Marvel Comics. It yielded this discovery:


That night I went to see the Curious Case of Benjamin Button. A massive ice storm hit right as I left the house and I was worried that I'd have to spend the night inside of a taun-taun. From what I understand, they smell bad.

I really hated this movie. Hated it! If you want me to be more specific as to why, we can have that conversation. Also from now on I'm boycotting the Gateway Theaters. They're dirty. The crowd is bad. They have assigned seating, which on the surface sounds like a good idea but it's actually not. And the aisles are so narrow that it is impossible to walk past seated people unless you're as nimble as a giraffe.

I mean, the whole framing story with the Hurricane was completely unnecessary, and the tone and style were inconsistent throughout, and the "gimmick" was never really addressed and I'm not even sure ... forget it.

But hey! It's time for one of my patented and hilarious movie review lolcats!


Snow continued throughout the weekend. I had to take a pack of sled dogs to work on Friday. This gives you an idea of how much snow fell in a 24 minute period.

Driving home was a little slippery.

I'm done talking about this.

Duvall

I'm still here. Sorry I haven't updated lately. Just kidding, I'm not sorry. I've just been really busy. New job and stuff. Plus all the free time I have is usually spent lifting weights (no it isn't). The good news is I don't really need to nap after work anymore. Or during work, or in the late evening. I sleep a lot. But not so much anymore, which I think is a good thing.

October! October is the best month. Right now I'm sitting in my office with the lights off (weirdo) with a great view of the Wasatch Mountains engulfed in mist. I like it. I wish I could hear the rain though. I'll have to figure that one out.

October also brings us post season baseball. The best postseason in sports. My heroic Minnesota Twins, predicted by many to finish in last place, defied the odds and made it to the pre-postseason... where they lost to the White Sox in a tie breaker game. Freaking White Sox! I hate them.

We're running about a week behind schedule here at Microsuede HQ, so let's talk about last weekend. I learned a lot. Like where Cowboys come from.

It was Gordon's 80th birthday so cowboy grub was in order. What better place for cowboy grub than a restaurant called Cowboy Grub.

Here Gordon talks about Cowboy stuff with Sean.

Now Sean is holding what can only be described as a baby. That kid is neat. He just learned how to roll over. And the baby is neat too.

When this picture was taken, I kid you not, Gordon was making an impassioned speech about his favorite actor Robert Duvall. "Now there's an actor!"

It was actually a really fun night. Gordon is rad, and dispensed plenty of folksy wisdom that really made sense.

Late night Friday I watched the Presidential debates. I didn't enjoy them as much as I thought I would. But I did get a note from my Congressman in response to my letter voicing my concerns about the economy. I love Government. Can't wait to vote.

I have an Obama sticker on my car and it's really changed my driving habits. I don't want to reflect poorly on the campaign. The other day I saw a car with Ohio plates on the freeway and I cut in front of them and drove very slowly so they could have plenty of time to see the sticker. Ohio is a battleground state after all.

Saturday night my pal Rudy was in town with his special lady pal and we hung out with some of my other pals. Great night. It's going on the year-end Best Of list for sure. We went to the Twilite Lounge. It has a great jukebox, even though it refuses to accept requests.


I think the most important thing we learned that night is that this video is the gayest thing that's ever been filmed.
Bruce Springsteen - Dancin' in the Dark

Sunday was unseasonably warm. I was at work. By the way I've now worked 14 days straight. My own fault though. One job gave me days off and I stupidly went to my other job. I should really only be having one job. I don't need two.

I enjoyed a break at Library Square and ate some soup. The soup was lousy. And too hot. Here's pictures of stuff.

Have you heard of this exhibit, Body Worlds 3 at theLeonardo? Everyone is talking about. Why haven't you seen it yet?

all things must pass

The time finally came for me to sell my car, Gertrude old girl... I mean, Betty. Having two cars just isn't practical, it turns out.

I remember the night I got her, driving home from Bountiful and listening to a Me First and the Gimme Gimmes CD. Maybe I shouldn't be admitting that. I had to work at 6am the next morning and I parked it by the window so I could look at it all day. Also I beat my high score in Bejeweled many times over. What a great day.

So many memories: driving places... parking... idling... I could go on and on.

There were a lot of repairs needed on the car, and I kept putting it off because I didn't want to drop the kind of mad bones it would take to fix it. I finally did and it turned out that fixing every single thing wrong with it cost less than $200. Roast.

I put an ad on Craigslist with no response. Luckily my uncle needed a new car. He didn't even test drive it or ask what kind of mileage it got or anything. Just came over and looked at it and asked if it had a CD player. He just got a tattoo based on a Rush album cover, but don't tell Gordon, who we see here, on the outside looking in.

As I was waving goodbye to the car Gordon backed out in front of it and both cars ended up totalled. Oh well. Not my car, not my problem.

You were a good ride Betty. Catch you later on down the trail.

he's from the future AND the past

Jiminy Christmas, I am one tired gato. What's my problem? Always with the tiredness? Hopefully science can tell me someday.

Well I'm back from the weekend, and already working for the next one. Friday night I hung out with Emily and the Orson Welles cat.

Like the real Orson Welles, this guy loves having his belly scratched.

We hopped into my new car and went on a driving tour of Salt Lake City landmarks. I'm hoping to market this tour and be able to quit my job. We saw the Capital, the Temple, Grand America, Trolley Square, This is the Place, Trax, the Hoberman Arch, President's Circle at the U, Cafe Rio, and the Cathedral of the Madeline. The expanded tour will include the Tower Theater and Liberty Park. Best thing is, the whole thing can be completed in fifteen minutes!

Saturday I almost went to the Farmer's Market. I'm glad I didn't because I'm told there was no produce. How do these farmers ever hope to compete without produce?

Remember how my old car, Betty, got all broken? Well I didn't really take it to a dumpster. It's been sitting in the driveway. An attempt to remove the starter motor failed due to poor design, so I had it towed to Wayne's, the only car place I trust.

Turns it wouldn't start because the Occam's Razor was broken. It's still at the shop, and will be for a while so that it's in tip top shape when I sell it. By the way, any interested parties out there? $30,000 or best offer.

Saturday night, a party hosted by Cosmo:

The party was in honor of Katie (leaving town) and Ashley (returning to town). They're linked over there. >>>

It was a garden party, obviously.

Us dudes played croquet, and Lee took an early lead (like the Lakers).

Unfortunately, Lee blew it (like the Lakers).

Scott ended up winning, and I knew he would because that guy is pretty good at croquet. I'm always saying that about him.

Sunday! Family gathering. The Valley was covered with a thin translucent film.

My aunt tried to get rid of her salmonella tomatoes by pawning them off on me. I know better than that! I'm on to your tricks!

Here's me.

What am I smiling at? Probably this.


Watched the Celtics/Lakers game. The Lakers (jerks) won, but they can't hope to win in Boston if they keep playing like that (crappy). I just don't understand why Kevin McHale doesn't take it inside more often. Big man's got to own the paint.

not with a rusty bayonet

Desolation.

Three months ago (seriously? three months? wow, my life is such a waste of time) I went off adventuring with my grandpa Gordon and idiot Mikey. At the time we had agreed to seek another adventure on Memorial Day. I had completely forgotten about that until Gordon called Sunday night to see if we were still on. I invited Scotty along on this trip as he likes adventure, and it would be a good opportunity to fire some weapons.

I didn't want to go back to Eureka (been there, done that) so I planned to head southwest toward another abandoned minding town, Ophir.

On the way to Ophir you pass through historic Camp Floyd, where in 1858 one-third of the U.S. Army came to put down those pesky Mormons. The Army hung around for a couple of years but then had to leave to fight some other war back east.

Camp Floyd is always interesting. There's like, a field, and an old schoolhouse, and some other stuff, and - uh-oh.

Those look like Yankee tents. That can only mean one thing...

Oh shit! A ghost regiment! Doomed to march the fields of Camp Floyd for all eternity, this spectral brigade serves as a grim reminder of the damning essence of war.

Wait nevermind, they're just Civil War re-enactors. Not every day you stumble into one of these.

Don't worry, Wyatt Earp was there to keep the peace.

As usual, Gordon is on the outside looking in.

This poor guy wasn't invited to the festivities.

"But I've got all my Civil War stuff on!"

"Forget it Ricky, you can't come!"

Ladies and gentlemen, civilization.

Some guy put testicles on his truck. That's not a standard feature. Some guy had to have the idea, obtain the testicles, and then attach them to the truck. Plenty of time to have second thoughts, but no.

After we'd had out fill of Camp Floyd we crossed into Tooele County and found Ophir Canyon (just follow the signs), one of many abandoned mining towns that dot the West.

Perfect day to be up there. Pouring rain, light grey skies, mist rising from the coniferous peaks.
They had to give up mining in Ophir after one too many Balrog attacks. Either that or the hills ran out of riches.

The town is actually much more populated than I thought it would be. The 2000 census lists the population as 23, but there has to be more than that now. Including this guy, who lives in an old mine.

I have a feeling if you get too close he'll skin your hide.

Finally it was time for shootin'. Gordon had bought a couple guns of his own, which nobody knew he had. When I picked him up in the morning he hauled the guns out to the car and my grandmother asked "What is that you've got?" to which he snapped back "Nothin'!"

Gordon was irritated that Scott and I were unwilling to shoot in the National Forest, or on fenced-off land. We finally found a good spot to shoot and he took off a wanderin', just checking stuff out, as is his wont.

My grandmother likes to tell the story of the time in Germany where he wandered away and ended up on the wrong side of the Berlin Wall.

Here Mikey shoots a gun for the first time.

What a dope, trying to look all "gangsta."

Here I am getting ready to fire the .40, the one that made me go deaf last time.

I gotta give Mike credit for his camera work here.

In hindsight this might have been a bad idea. Good thing Scott is a crack shot.

This was the highlight. Scott recently got himself an M1 Garand, the standard issue rifle for U.S. infantrymen in World War II. This particular one dates to 1944. Awesome. You may know that I'm a wannabe WWII buff, and that the mini-series Band of Brothers is one of my favorite things ever. So it was real nifty to shoot this thing.

I'm wearing my helmet for added authenticity. It's a good thing I'm such a geek though because when the clip came flying out it bonked right off of my head with a nice "ping" sound. If I wasn't wearing the helmet I would have experienced very slight pain. I don't even want to think about it.

Overall, pretty great day.

When I dropped Scott off Gordon spent twenty minutes standing in his socks and washing mud off his shoes.

Here I am relating my exploits to this tiny human, as he looks at me with disbelief.