let's break a deal

If there's one thing I can tell it's that you guys love it when I talk about dating! Today's topic is Dealbreakers. You know how that goes. Whether it's a first date or well into a relationship, sometimes something comes up that may seem minor to an outsider, but to you it's a sign that the relationship is going nowhere and any attraction you may have had for the person melts away like Toht's face.

For example, ladies,maybe things are going well, and even though the waitress is taking forever to bring out the miso soup you don't even care because you're having such a good time. But then he says "I used to play guitar in a ska band. At least, I wish I did." Game over.

Just like the time you were waiting for 3:10 to Yuma to start and he says "My t-shirt? Well, it's the logo of this secret internet society, er, club, er, community, that I belong to. We talk about limes, and I have adventures, and my little picture looks like Adam West, and we all have code names and inside jokes and sometimes we get into really mean fights. You know, on the internet. So what do you like to do in your spare time?" Total Dealbreaker, am I right? And then he goes on to say "That's not the only thing I do on the internet. Let me ask you: do you prefer chimps or orangutans?"

Anyway, I'm going to share some of my own Dealbreakers with you. This should be helpful to any potential suitettes out there.

- answers, "chimps"
- prefers Pepsi to Coke
- favorite movie is Swing Kids
- uses too much mayonnaise
- doesn't wear a seatbelt
- doesn't own a camera
- not into the freaky stuff
- owns a pair of Princess-assed sweats
- looks like a spider
- does a Stewie impression
- can't name the three major Allied powers from WWII
- doesn't like the Beatles
- like the Beatles too much
- walnut breath
- everytime you eat something she tells you how many calories it has
- uses a weird font in her e-mails
- says "tell us how you really feel!"
- doesn't have a head

"bad dates," warned sallah, gesturing to the dead monkey

You know what I never talk about on this blog? Dating. Maybe it's because my chief rival Yahoo already has the topic covered so well. Take fer instance this recent Yahoo article, "Sure Signs of a Great Date."

"5: Your first date is coming to an end, and you go to give her a sweet hug; and
instead, she gives you a full-on smooch. That sign is unmistakable."

I read that and smacked my own forehead in embarrassment. B, you idiot! There are so many girls, probably dozens, that I never called back after that surprising first date smooch. How many malts have I had to drink alone thanks to my lack of perception? So frustrating. Clearly I'm not qualified to talk about dating or relationships at all.