Monday, March 31, 2008


what, i've got nothing better to do than sit around and update my blog? i'm at work. busy busy busy. today is terrible, i haven't been off the phone in the last three hours. it's outright hellish.

just now a guy got all mad at me for hanging up on him, and i didn't hang up on him at all. he was in mid-sentence and said "ah shit!" then as he was putting the phone down he said "asshole hung up on me." i am not the best customer serviceman in the world. in fact i'm probably in the lower percentile and i'll gladly own any mis-deeds that i actually commit, but i will not stand for being blamed for something i didn't do. if he call back then i will hang up with him just to keep the universe balanced

things are looking up though. it's baseball opening day. i'm DVR-ing the Twins/Angels game and having some gents over for my signature B.-Burgers. do any baseball fans read this blog? The Twins starting lineup is almost completely different from last year. should be interesting. Sports Illustrated has them finishing last in the division. bah to that, i say. over in the NL i'm still firmly on the Rockies bandwagon. also of note is the Bee's home opener in 10 days. exciting.

weekend was sedate. Friday night i went to Freaky Dee's, nothing too exciting, but i did see a guy wearing this coat.

Saturday i hung out with these idiots since it was Sean's last day in town. we went to lunch at Big & Delicious Burgers and then to the zoo.

not a real good day for animal watching since it was cold and all, but it was fun watching Talukan try to enjoy a bottle of frozen lemonade. he took the lid of and tried a few times to get a drink but it didn't work. finally he started ripping the plastic jug from the lemonade block with his teeth, then licked away as though it were a popsicle.

the zoo is trying to pass off this big rubber alligator as the real deal. those fools didn't even paint it the right color!

Sunday i watched season 1 of Twin Peaks. man-oh-man. that's good television. Dale Cooper is one of the best characters there's ever been.

ch ch-ch chhh ch-ch chhh ch-ch chhh

Friday, March 28, 2008


i've had a busy week. been doing family stuff, and other stuff that isn't family stuff. my idiot brother Sean is in town. we just got into a big argument over whether or not i can post a picture of his tattoo on my blog.

"can i post that picture of your tattoo on my blog?"



"will you give me a dollar?"


"then no, you can't."

"come on."


"come on."


"come on."

"fine, whatever."

"nah forget it, i don't even want to post it anymore."

"okay then, fine."

"but can i?"

"well not anymore!"

remember a few weeks ago when i saw Porter Rockwell's house? did you know Porter has his own Place? on Tuesday me and the fellas went there for steak, but none of us got steak after all. funny how life works sometimes.

Scott got himself a drink called the Silver Queen. he really liked it.

Scott: "is this place haunted?"

Waiter: "no."

the bathroom was eerie though. and the old newspapers lining the wall proved that old adage, "stuff used to be a lot cheaper."

make no mistake. Porter Rockwell was a scary mofo.

Wednesday i went back to Kilby to see a unit called Headlights.

great show! these kids are going places.

Headlights - TV

have you ever seen one of these, whaddya call 'em, babies? they're like puppies, but for humans. my cousin has one. answers to the name of Jonah. i met him for the first time last night and i was amazed by how tiny he was. that's my hand and then his hand there on the left (the smaller of the two).

Tuesday, March 25, 2008

when you walk through the garden

alright i'm back and i'm reinvigorated. you may notice that i've given up on using capital letters. i feel so free. i've also given up on using a wallet and i just carry around a wad of crisp hundreds and a state-issued identification card. and twelve credit cards. and my insurance card in case i get stabbed in the head in an unfamiliar city.

speaking of unfamiliar cities, i have a pending adventure in about three weeks. i'm really excited for it and you'll read about it after it happens.

today i got a haircut at the same place i wrote about a few weeks ago. outstanding haircut. that guy really knows his business, despite his eccentricities. when i showed up he was painting "haircuts $9.00" on the side of his building. when he finished he said "that's seven dollars. i'm painting nine on the building but it's only seven."

so, weekend. really good one. i've found that a really great weekend doesn't always translate into a really great blog. tales of misery and woe work better in this medium than a series of "you had to be there" moments. but we'll try it.

friday night i hung out with Emily and a couple of friends i've not seen in a while. i was in a rare mood. i was eager to throw down. it was a beautiful spring night in SLC and i wante to make the scene.

(note that SLC is capitalized above. proper names and acronyms will still be capitalized)

a few ideas were bandied about and we decided on dinner at Red Rock. i had a tasty sandwich.

then this happened

then we went to the Tavernacle (it's a play on words). this bar has a lot going for it. good location, non-smoking, rowdy crowds. the bar features "dueling pianos," but they take turns so a more apt name would be "alternating pianos." really fun place but i don't think you'd make a habit of going there. maybe you would if you were an alcoholic and lived nearby.

now we'll talk about drinking for a while. a had a couple swallows of champagne on New Year's Eve but i haven't had a drop since then. i wasn't some kind of crazy party man before, but i just wanted to examine my motivations a bit. like say, i'd go to dinner and just automatically order a beer, even if i didn't really want it. that's not a habit i want. i also wanted to prove that i could have fun without drinking, should i someday find myself in a circumstance where drinking is discouraged.

i went 77 days before finally breaking the streak on St. Patrick's day. i didn't want to be beholden to some streak anyway.

so yeah, Tavernacle. i drank Jameson's that night because that's what McNulty drinks on The Wire (and you thought i was done talking about The Wire!)

a few years ago i was with Emily and she ordered a Jameson's and i accidentally ordered something pink with a lime in it. i felt like a real tool.

this girl insisted on dancing on the pianos all night. the bouncers would drag her down and she'd act all indignant and give them the double bird, only to get right back up there. oh, by "dancing" i mean "bobbing up and down slightly"

then this clod got in on the action.

here's Mr. Afterthought Ponytail staring at my friend.

at one point something drew me outside...


anyway, fun night. one of the funnest. and the important thing is that i didn't call or text anyone. right...?

there's a lot more i could say but it just wouldn't convey anything. hey here's the thing about drunken stories: they suck. "i was already like, smashed, and then Ricky gave me a bottle of Marimbara and i swear i drank like half of it. i was all 'where's the mayor? get the mayor on the phone!' and then Ricky was all "har-ti-tar-ti-tar-ti-tar.'" i guess i just don't like glorified idiocy. my stories are good though, maybe i'll tell some more later. i think mine are more self-deprecating than glorifying.

oh! i almost forgot. somehow an empty shotglass made it's way into my pocket. it is now front and center in my vast paraphenelia/ephemera collection. that's how fun Friday night was.

Saturday i was going to go to a show but didn't make it. so instead we'll substitute this show that i went to last Wednesday. the band was called Say Hi, formerly knows as Say Hi to Your Mom. i'd never heard them before but Lee and Lisa convinced me to come along and i'm glad they did.

hey, sample a song why you don't? Say Hi - Let's Talk About Spaceships.

the show was at Kilby Court which was nice because it allowed me to add to my collection of interesting bathroom pictures.

Sunday i slept too long. also Happy Easter. is there anything better than a spring night in the SL Valley? Besides an autumn night?

Friday, March 21, 2008

micro-played (out)

Well it's official: I have nothing left to say to the world.

Wednesday, March 19, 2008


Troubling news out of the Microsuede camp. I may have to give up coffee. Sometime last week I became very anxietous. Not that I was nervous or worrying about things, but my heart became all poundy. That's not cool. As an experiment I went a couple of days without coffee, and I was fine. I mean, jitter-wise I was fine. I did fall asleep in the middle of giving a presentation to the VPs though.

To further the experiment I had some coffee yesterday, with the same pulse racing result. Today is another no-coffee today. We'll see how it goes. I'm feeling pretty dead inside. I would say "robotic" but robots generally serve some kind of purpose.

I have an appointment with a trained medical professional tomorrow, so maybe he'll know what's going on. Though one time he kept me waiting over an hour and when he came back he got Carl's Jr. all over the place.

If I do have to give up coffee it should be okay, I am pretty good at giving things up. I cut out 90% of my television viewing, I went 77 days without a drop of hops or spirits, and quitting smoking was the easiest thing I've ever done.

I don't get a lot of credit for quitting smoking, since my smoking habit lasted exactly as long as the time it took to snap this picture, but still.

Monday, March 17, 2008

a variety of snack

I picked the wrong day to give up coffee.

Friday! Pie.

Saturday! rained

Sunday! What?

I had to buy these. Opening the bag was an assault on the senses. They taste like that rotten beach smell. Why do they exist?
Ad I heard on the radio: "Who says you can't be Irish and Goth?" I know I've never said that.

Friday, March 14, 2008

the aftermath

Thanks for the well wishes on the one year blogiversary. It's nice to hear from all of you. At this point I have exactly zero ideas for upcoming blog entries, so I'm just checking in, maybe I'll talk about my job for a little while.

- there's a new girl at work that has nothing to do yet, so I'm pawning some of my work off on her for "training purposes." The problem is that actually finding stuff for her to do and explaining how to do it is a lot more work than just ignoring it.

I mean seriously, what is all this stuff?

- The girl that sits in front of me at work has an impressively loud voice. My ipod at full volume can't even drown it out. Worse, when she's not on the phone with her husband or yelling across the room to another co-worker, she's talking to herself. "I got an e-mail. Oh it's from blah blah blah. They need to send me their..." Yesterday I loudly announced that I was drinking a V8 and read off the ingredients but she didn't catch on.

- Not that it matters one way or another, but I feel you should know that she looks like the Hobbit.

- I don't dislike all my co-workers. For example, one of them just gave me delicious pumpkin bread.

- but check out this e-mail chain:

From: [someone at hotel]

To: [someone in my office]

Good afternoon,
Can you let me know if this is the correct email address where I am sending DOR every day in order to get reimbursed for gift certificates.
Thank you.


From: [someone in my office]
To: [me]
Hi Bryton,
Will you please let this property know that they did send this email to the correct email.
Thank you.

Are you serious? So it's easier to send that e-mail to me than just hit reply and type "yes"?

Well I guess that's all.

Wednesday, March 12, 2008


Dudes guys dudes, today is the one-year anniversary of this blog. One glorious year. I started this blog because if there's one thing I love, it's my own thoughts. I also I wanted this one girl to see how clever I am.

This collage represents six hours of my workday and one year of my life. Click on it to make it huge.

We're celebrating with pie in the comment room. Everyone that reads this blog should stop by and say "hey," even if you've never commented before.

Thanks for reading!

- B.

Monday, March 10, 2008


How many days was your weekend? How many apes did you befriend? Huh?

I had a three-day weekend because I just wanted an extra day off. No occasion for it. Friday night... nothing worth reporting. Oh, I cleaned out my freezer. There was stuff in there from when I first moved in three years ago.

Saturday night, big party in honor of Lee moving into Damian's house (both those guys are linked over there) and Danny H.'s birthday (he will be linked soon but isn't yet due to laziness).

Lots of good folk there. I almost found myself in a quagmire of a political argument but luckily Scott showed up with his new sword and distracted everybody.

You might remember that last week his old sword was stolen. This sword is way better. So much more honorable.

Some little girl put a dinosaur on my head. Kids have the worst jokes.

Also, black velvet painting of a temple.

I wish I had more pictures of the party but I'm sure someone out there in the blog-o-sphere has some.

On Sunday I got really confused and thought it was still last Sunday so I drove for hours to visit an old mining town and cemetery. My life is reruns, man.

Actually, my mom up and adopted herself a cat. She spent weeks researching pet adoption sites and finally found one she liked in Rifle, Colorado. The foster parents agreed to meet halfway in Price, Utah so my mother and I had ourselves a little road trip.

The early morning got off to a bad start when the fowl conspired to block my egress.

They wouldn't move! I inched closer and closer and honked the horn, and more ducks would come sit in the road. So we didn't end up taking my car.

Morning sure is pretty. I wish I could see it more often.

Before we get to the journey, how about you meet the new cat.

She's a very regal thing, but still quite skittish. Haven't decided on a name yet. The final candidates are Sushi, Maneki-Neko, Wasabi, and Ricky.

The drive to Price is on the perilous Highway 6. Old school Microsuede readers will remember that I wrote about this last year. Sunday morning was great though. No traffic, clear skies. It's actually a nice scenic drive.

We had some time to kill so we stopped by the old mining town of Helper. It's aged much better than Eureka, and people still live there since the coal-mining industry hasn't dried up yet.

Old signs, yep.

The streets were empty because I guess everyone was in church. Or working the mines. Or dead.

Lies! Piggly Wiggly only operates in seventeen U.S. states.

On the way back I wanted to stop at an old cemetery just off the Highway. It's called Mill Fork, and the graves there are very very old but it's still maintained by the descendants.

This section contains fourteen unknown travelers that were killed by Indians in the 1800s.

Leaving the cemetery some IDIOT was overconfident in the four-wheel drive and got us stuck in the snow. That same idiot had to crawl around on his hands and knees digging snow with an empty water bottle between intervals of pushing and lifting the car. Luckily another wayward traveler happened by and helped out. Thanks, whoever you are.

Sunday night: THE SERIES FINALE OF THE WIRE!!! - 30 -

Monday, the third day. Now look, I complain alot about that goose that's alway hassling me. You might think I'm just goofing around but it's a serious problem. This is the view from my bedroom window Monday morning.

Nothing on my plate Monday except for going to the zoo to look at orangutans. Kind of ridiculous that I watch them on TV all the time but haven't bothered to go see them in real life when four of them are only minutes away.

The zoo has a two year old named Acara, and she's awesome.

Here's the father, Eli. He's like a big ball of chewbacca.

Eve, the mother. She seemed to be in some distress today and Eli and Acara tried to comfort her to no avail.

This cool customer is Talukan. He's in a separate area from the other family, all by himself.

He yawns alot.

The best part is when Acara came over to say hi.

I almost always have my laptop with me, and I pulled it out to try to take a picture with the Mac-Cam. That's when she first came over. She was fascinated with my computer. Every time I pulled it back out she came over to take a look.

Finally, here's a gorilla reading the paper.