Wednesday, November 28, 2007

Thanksgiving etc.

Thursday morning I had plans to go to the Zoo. These plans are still unrealized, but hopefully one of these days I'll get there. I want to just strap on my ipod and zen out while observing the orangutans. Maybe find some inspiration. Anyway, didn't happen.

Went over to my mom's house for the traditional Thanksgiving pre-dinner: chicken-in-a-biscuit crackers and cherry 7-Up. The meal itself lasted only about ten minutes since it was just me, mother, and Mikey.

Afterward Mikey and I went around to different Red Box machines to try to get a movie. We kept running into the same people at each one. Guess we were all looking for the same thing. Finally ended up at Hollywood Video where I purchased a copy of Ratatouille. I really wanted to see it and buying was the only option. Such a cute movie.

Friday afternoon: No Country for Old Men.

Ho-lee shit. Could be one of the greatest movies of all time. I've never been so scared in any movie before. The first half I was sooo tense. I need to see it again... the coin-flip gas station scene, the final scene, Anton Chigurrh, no music, the dreary cinematography... I mean, wow. Furthermore, my love for Scottish actress Kelly MacDonald grows. She's going to be in a Sundance movie next year. I might have to do a bit of celebrity-bothering up in Park City.

Moon over the Foothills.
Saw this crazy thing in the Little Caesar's parking lot. Can't afford a Lamborghini? Why, just make your own!

After a Jazz game/nap, bowling. Real bowling this time, none of the electronic Wii mumbo-jumbo. We went to Sue Rich. I've posted a picture of the sign before, but here' s a still from my 16mm film, Electric Landscape.

(B., like my name. Get it?)

Saturday morning I had to get up early (at noon) to watch the Utah/BYU game over at Barlow's house. There was a healthy mix of Utah and BYU fans, and even Patsy got in on the action.

This neat little dude is Cash. He's good at sharing. He also likes avocados and big trucks. He's not upset in this picture, that's just his picture-takin' face.

Boring game until the last few minutes. BYU won. I went to the U but was raised a BYU fan, so I don't really have a strong allegiance one way or another. Scotty and Barlow were pretty devastated though.

After the game, this happened. This event has now been immortalized here. The Bud has got my back.

Once I was settled down I went to a Tibetan restaurant, and ultimately ended up here:

Cool bar. Divey and without any faux-Irish crap. Just real Irish crap. Good jukebox too, even though some slack-jawed fool spent an hour hogging it and not making any selections.

Had a couple of these, but didn't throw down too hard.

(I'm not going to mention the part where we were asked to leave).

Spent the night at a friend's house, then finally drove myself home around 630am. Caught this on the way back.

That about covers it.

Tuesday, November 27, 2007

The Electric Bowling Undersea Casket Test

Want an update on the shooting? (shooting? what shooting? Scroll down, irregular reader). I called the police department to get the crime statistics for my apartment complex. The lady whose entire job is to analyze and observe crime statistics, was shocked by the results of her report. She told me to move. Apparently the upscale fowl habitat I call home is not as safe as it would appear.

I think I have a little bit of post-traumatic stress disorder too. I can't even think about laundry without having a major freakout. I decided I'm not going to do laundry at all anymore. No, I'm not going to turn into a stinking hippie, I'm just going to throw my clothes out after one or two wearings and buy new ones. This will be nice because I won't have to iron anymore.

Anyway, let's back things up a bit to the start of the Thanksgiving Weekend, Wednesday night. I got off work a couple hours early and fell into a small coma. I woke up with literally no idea of the time or who, where, or why I was. Ever happened to you? It's disconcerting. Eventually I got it together and met up with some friends out in Draper to Neil's. They're known for fish&chips but we all got hamburger sandwiches for some reason. Neil's has really good fry sauce, fyi.

Whoa! It's like being underwater!

Only one logical thing to do next. Sneak into the haunted semi-abandoned casket factory. Scott, Danny, and I headed off for adventure.

First you have to cross the tracks. The lights, the warmth of the city, fading as you cross further into the darkness.

Down a steep embankment, through the trees. Devoid of life they are.

The factory looms on the horizon.

So, I guess it's not really abandoned. Still in use, judging my these fresh sarcophagi laying about.

One structure is in quite a state of disrepair. We can't quite figure out what this sign is trying to say so we go on in.

It's pitch dark inside. Lucky for us the vampires that surely live there have gone out on their nightly hunt.


Long walk back to the car. We arrive to the Bud with our faces frozen and our spirits dampened. But that's nothing a little Wii can't fix.

Wii bowling was on tap. I got to create my own Mii. Actually I didn't. Chris insisted on doing it for me which caused a lot of controversy. I'm pretty happy with it though.

By the way, I'm not sure who currently holds the title of Wii Bowling Champion of the Bud, but it isn't me.

Then we saw the movie Hitman. An action movie based on a video game that takes itself way too seriously? Yep, it's exactly as good as you think it is. Also, if you liked the action scenes in the Matrix but wished they were performed by different actors, then this is the movie for you.

Monday, November 26, 2007

Weekend Part 1: What do B., Larry Flynt, and Ronald Reagan have in common?

This double-stuft weekend was very eventful. What if I were to tell you that on a freezing Wednesday night I snuck into a haunted casket factory? What if I were to tell you that that was only the second most interesting thing that happened? What could possibly be more interesting than a haunted casket factory? Well...

I got shot.



Saturday evening I decide to get a head start on my weekend chores and errands, figuring that if I get everything done I could spend the rest of the weekend in a state of total relaxation. As the full moon shines down through the clear night sky upon the frigid Salt Lake Valley, I arm myself with a pocketful of quarters and the blue access key and head to the apartment complex northernmost laundry room. I usually do laundry at my mom's house, but wanted to get it out of the way.

I start the load, then go to the store and buy some stuff. Lots of good sales. I stock up on crackers and Kleenex boxes. Get home and unloaded the groceries, then go straight to the laundry room to put my stuff (the whites) into the drying machine.

With my back to the window, I hear a tremendous "SNAP!" I am quite startled. I finish filling the dryer, toss in a sheet of Bounce, and go to leave. Then I notice THIS:

A bullet hole where once there was none. Lined up right where I was standing. "Um... okay." I think. Then as I'm driving away I see two youths hiding behind the bushes, and one hiding behind a tree. One of them has a rifle-shaped gun thing. I try to call the Murray City Police Department but their office hours are 9-5, so I have to call 911 instead which makes me nervous. I worry that they'll scold me for not having a real emergency. They ask a bunch of questions while I sit in my car in my parking stall. After a few minutes the Murray City police show up. About ten guys in all. They pull machine guns from their cars and circle the laundry room like Jack Bauer and company. Pretty intense. Then 911 calls back and tells me to go talk to the cops. I admire their fancy guns while answering their questions. One guy, J. Hafoka, does most of the asking. He seems to be the youngest and lowest ranking of the crew. He's really nice and professional. I'm glad to know that he's protecting our streets. Also he looks a lot like AC Slater.

I try to downplay everything. I mean, it was nighttime, and though I saw something that looked like a rifle I couldn't tell if it was a toy or a BB gun or the real thing. I ask Officer Hafoka about the bullet hole, if it could have been made by a BB gun or even a slingshot. He tapped the glass and said "No way. Probably a .22 or other small caliber firearm." That really spooked me. I mean, it'd be one thing if a jilted ex-lover or loanshark tried to gun me down, but idiot kids trying to cause trouble, and I'm just minding my own business and making sure my socks are clean, and I get hit with their stupid bullet? That totally sucks. Even in the best case scenario it would have really stung and probably ruined my jacket.

Anyway, the cops did some CSI stuff around the scene, I gathered my dry clothes and went back home a little shaken but otherwise no worse for the wear. Not sure of the outcome of all this. I'll probably go to the station this week and see if I can get a copy of the police report or something.

Thursday, November 22, 2007


Things I am thankful for:

-my job. Even though it's stupid and unfulfilling and boring and I hate almost everybody there and everyone I have to deal with and I hate always having to go to it, I really can't complain.
-my blog.
-that my best friend got to go to Disneyland for the first time today.
-that my idiot brother Sean is doing something with his life, even if he's bored right now.
-that my other idiot brother Mike is so enthusiastic about so many dumb things.
-that my mom's evil co-worker will be quitting soon.
-peanut butter.
-indoor temperature regulation systems.
-that I live in land where I'm free to pour orange juice down my comically oversized pants.
-that a new Futurama dvd comes out next week.

Tuesday, November 20, 2007

three rules for how to do the local news

1. Gas Prices
2. Crowded Airports
3. A man in India married his own dog

Monday, November 19, 2007

there can be only none

So yeah, the strike? Still on. Don't worry, I'm still standing strong with the WGA. In fact, I've written many letters of support to the Coen Brothers, but they haven't written back (because of the strike of course). I'm inspired by their dedication.

So here's the thing. I wrote this blog entry several weeks ago. As it happens, my weekend matched up with it perfectly! Amazing, when you think about it.

Friday afternoon Gatsby and I went up to Sugarhouse. Just dickin' around on our lunch break, which is more or less a daily occurrence. This part of town is due for some remodeling, which I briefly touched on last week. (click here, or scroll down slightly). The businesses are all boarded up, with their new locations graffitied about in preparations for demolition. Still some interesting things to see there. Like... a door.

And this ominous warning.

We ended up in an antique store. This beautiful woman in a short skirt and a long jacket came in and I was hoping she was there to buy herself some GI Joes, but it turns out she was only there to get directions out of there.

Friday night, dinner at Chipotle with the Chris and Emily. The burrito was pretty good. No better or worse than any other local burrito outlet.

You may remember a few months ago when I lamented Chipotle's impending arrival. I was sad to see this sign go away:

But it looks like Chipotle has honored that classic sign with their own updated version. I appreciate that. I usually dislike modern neon stylings, but I think they've done pretty well for themselves here. And the white light was a good choice.

Later in the evening I found myself at the Highlander Club. It's near my home but I've never been. I went to meet up with an old friend, Jen, the midnight googler. Haven't seen her in over five years. It was a great little reunion.

When the Highlander Club first opened they only allowed one person to be in there at any given time. They changed that rule once they realized that it was a terrible business decision.

Saturday, watched Orangutan Island. It was a sad one. Then I took care of some nagging chores 'round the old apartment. Gatsby came over and we went around collecting debts.

Stopped by the home of new blogger Julia Gulia. She makes notebooks that are very impressive. I want to get one of those notebooks. I also want to steal her dog.

Saturday night I helped Chris fry a turkey. And by "help" I mean, didn't help at all. I checked the temperature once though. The event requiring a fried turkey is well documented over at Cindy's blog.

After that party I zipped up to the hills for Carbon Copy's birthday. I was killed by a werewolf.

Sunday I got some new pants. I also got a speeding ticket (unrelated to the pants). Officer Odor was very nice about it. Just doing his job I suppose. Still, setting up a speedtrap on a Sunday afternoon in a quiet and mostly abandoned neighborhood is kind of a drag.

Friday, November 16, 2007


Did you see this self-portrait I did? It's accurate to the very last detail, including the way the lower half of my legs just disappear. I have a rare medical condition known as ghost legs.

Thursday, November 15, 2007

three rules for how to do relationships

1) Communicate
2) Others' needs
3) Keep it fresh

Tuesday, November 13, 2007


I checked my inbox this morning and my gmail account was full. Do you have a gmail account? Do you have any idea how much it can hold? It can hold, like, a lot. But my e-mail was almost completely disabled due to all the letters crying "foul" over my strike. Perhaps I should clarify a few things.

1) I am still on strike until the Writers Guild situation is resolved or I start getting 8 cents per dvd.

2) Although I am not writing new material, I have several week's worth of blog entries "in the can" (showbiz speak). That means that there are still plenty of unpublished bloggies that were written before the strike.

3) Okay, maybe technically they weren't written before the strike, but the events described happened before the strike.

4) So as you can see, it's a win-win-win-win. You get new entries, I get to hold fast to the picket line.


Friday, after a hard day at the office, I went home to rest in gentle slumber. Didn't work though thanks to smoking downstairs neighbors, vacuuming upstairs neighbors, and chanting geese neighbors. I gave up on that and got to the late showing of Control, the movie about seminal post-punk band (and one of my all time favorites) Joy Division.

The movie was beautiful and moving, and the recreated Joy Division performances were amazing. Still, TOTAL downer. I already knew how it was going to end (spoiler! Ian Curtis dies at 23) but it still nearly ruined me. The whole drive home I was like "Uh."

I really relate to Ian Curtis in a lot of ways. Except he's more talented. And way cooler. And makes smoking look awesome. And he was a lot more angsty than me. And got more ladies. Way better singer. Also he's in pretty good shape.

(not a real picture of Ian Curtis, but rather actor Sam Riley)

Saturday morning I was still feeling down, so I watched something guaranteed to cheer me up: the best show on television, Orangutan Island. There's a whole entry about this show coming soon (but already written). Here's a picture of my favorite ape, Saturnus. He's the celebrity I would most like to meet.

In this week's episode he... well nevermind, I'll talk about that later (previously).

Saturday night Emzy and I were going to go see American Gangster. We didn't though. Instead we went to Blue Iguana for some Mexican cuisine.

In another life, I used to come here all the time, but I haven't been back in almost two years. The food was good, and I also saw my Least Favorite Utahn there. I won't mention who she (or he) is for fear of libel.

Hung out with the usuals for a while, then a few of us went out dickin' around at 2am. We found a big salt heap and I had Scott take some "Ian Curtis" pictures of me.

I really like this one. It looks cool, it captures my mood, and it's in front of a great big salt heap which is fitting since I'm from Salt Heap City.

Then we went over to the U, where nothing exciting happened at all.

On the way home I passed through Old Sugarhouse, which I believe will soon be torn down to make way for New Sugarhouse. I snapped some neon pictures I hadn't previously collected because it's kind of weird to hang out in front of the lingerie store taking pictures during business hours. But in the middle of the night it's not weird at all.

Not much happened Sunday.

Sunday, November 11, 2007


As surely you know, the Writers Guild of America has gone on strike. Though not "officially" a member of this guild, I do have a screenplay that's almost a third of the way finished, and two chapters of a novel that I think would also make a really kick-ass movie. Therefore I am pledging support to the writers, and I will not write another word for this blog until the tyranny and oppression that the studios are bringing to these writers has come to an end.

Furthermore, I see that one of the issues initially brought up by the writers is profit from DVD sales. Did you know that writers only get 4 cents for every copy of every DVD sold? 4 cents for a product that costs only 16 cents to make, and retails for over $20? Did you know that even though the writers asked for double the residuals, that's still only 8 cents for a DVD that wouldn't even exist save for the writers putting ink to paper? Did you know that I am not making a single penny off of any DVD sales? NOT ONE RED CENT!

To right this terrible wrong, I am making a DVD. The Microsuede Special Edition Box Set. Imagine if you will, a digital archive of this entire blog! Just pop the disc into your computer, digital video disc player, or next generation video game device, and relive all of your favorite Microsuede moments! It's all there. Everything from the very first post, to this post that you're reading right now. And that's only disc one! Disc two contains every neon photo I have ever taken. Of all the correspondence I get, the most frequent request is "B, I loved that neon sign, but could I see it ten more times from different angles?" well the answer is yes. 3,789 photos in all. Disc two also contains a special, never before published essay called My Favorite Hot Babes, and an interactive puzzle where you can unlock my almost 1/3rd finished screenplay.

The price will be $39.95, plus shipping and handling, plus 8 cents. I'll let you know when it's available. Maybe. If the strike ends in time. Because until the strike ends, this blog will be silent.

Friday, November 9, 2007

How much______ can B. fit in his comically oversized_______?

The Mediocre Gatsby and I like to play a game called "How much blank can blank fit in their blank?" Usually it involves someone stuffing grapes into their mouth, carrots into their shirt pocket, something along those lines. My friend Andy got in on the action and did Q-Tips in the nostril (18).

So I thought I'd give it a shot. This is just a tease. I'll post pictures tomorrow, maybe.

ps - a lot of you probably already know what this is all about, so don't give the ending.


You ready?

How much orange drink

Can B fit in his comically oversized Wal-Mart pants?

Answer? Almost the whole thing.

Thursday, November 8, 2007

three rules for how to do sports

1). Hustle
2). Eye on the ball
3). Follow through

Monday, November 5, 2007

Saturday Sunday

Didn't get much sleep Friday night. I didn't settle in til about 5am and wanted to get up early in time to have breakfast with the Grovers since I probably wouldn't see them again for the rest of the weekend. Nate G. loves this place, Johanna's Kitchen, and says it has the best corned beef hash around. I've never had CBH so I have no frame of reference, but I daresay it was hashtastic. And those scrambled eggs are the best I've ever had. No lie. I can understand why the parking lot was so full at Johanna's.

Pretty much the same crowd from the night before. We did a lot of talking, talking and eating breakfast foods.

This fine piece gazed down upon our table. It's for sale, if you want it.

They have a nice Jazz shrine too, but strictly from the years we went to the finals.

I talk about Emily all the time, but I've never posted a picture of her. I really like this one, snapped outside on that freezing and overly bright morn.


Went home and watched the first half of the movie Get Carter, starring one Michael Caine. Check out this awesome Michael Caine illustration Gatsby did. The movie was way cool but I didn't have time to finish because I had a Halloween party to go to at the Bud. A few days late, but a more than welcome diversion. Hosted by Danny and Elin, decorated by Scott.

At the last minute I threw together a disgruntled Vietnam Vet costume. That's me between Danny and Chris.

Scott was a smooth talking devil, trying his best to purchase your soul. (actually he just came from a wedding reception. The pitchfork is purely coincidental).

The crawling zombie torso came dressed as himself.

Look at the dogs look at the dogs look at the dogs! Gretel is a princess.

And Michkin is Batman. Normally Michkin loves posing for pictures but getting this was a real struggle.

I like Michkin 'cause sometimes he watches sports with me.

After-party at Damian's house. Ran into an old college chum and some other friends from L.A., and met these F.O.L.s (Friends of Lee). I told them I was a big deal on the blog scene, so if they come around here just play along, okay? Actually the girl on the right, Cindy, has a picture of me on her blog confirming my celebrity status.

After-after-party at my house, where I maybe did a shot or four of tequila and a couple of brews. I've never actually had tequila before but I've had a fancy bottle sitting around forever and figured that now was as good a time as any to break the seal. Turns out it tastes good. And I had no hangover! Yippee. I might have done some dancing and I might have made a passionate rant about orangutans.


Did some yard work over at my mom's house. It hurt my back. I'm either getting old, or out of shape, or don't have good posture. Back to The House for one last hurrah before the Bay Area folks left. Chris made the most delicious ribs and macaroni and cheese I've ever had. Left to assist in taking Rudy to the aero-puerto, then back again for pie and a game of catch with a neat little fella named Cash.

Bid farewell to the Rustens, then went to the store, then back home where there was a near disaster involving an overly sudsed sink. Then back to The House yet again to watch the Jazz/Lakers game with Emily

Look at this guy:

I just hate him so much! Argh!

Watching the game was fun though. We made a running list of great things about Utah and the Hogle Zoo was on there twice. It deserves to be on there twice. Where else can you look at orangutans while eating Dippin' Dots, the Ice Cream of the Future? Yep, Utah is a pretty great. I tried to add Cafe Rio to the list but Emily said "You know, I'm kinda over the big burrito thing." It's true. Cafe Rio's burritos are too large. I'm not afraid to say it publicly.

The end. Now get out so I can get some sleep.